THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mirkwood]

Funny that Ted :)

[ted fenton]

Very Clever Lad https://www.facebook.com/thedailyheckle/videos/863803410403532/?fref=nf

[lab]

"Well done sir , made me chuckle."

[claret on my shirt]

"Muslims are not happy?? They're not happy in Gaza .. They're not happy in Egypt .. They're not happy in Libya .. They're not happy in Morocco .. They're not happy in Iran .. They're not happy in Iraq .. They're not happy in Yemen ... They're not happy in Afghanistan ... They're not happy in Pakistan .. They're not happy in Syria .. They're not happy in Lebanon ... SO.. WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY? They're happy in Australia .. They're happy in Canada .. They're happy in England .. They're happy in France .. They're happy in Italy .. They're happy in Germany .. They're happy in Sweden .. They're happy in the USA .. They're happy in Norway .. They're happy in Holland .. They're happy in Denmark .. Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is! AND WHO DO THEY BLAME? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN ! AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY! Excuse me, but I can't help wondering... How frigging dumb can you get? Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas - No television - No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from some bloke in a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother-in-law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkeys - You cook over burning camel shit - Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse than your donkey - Then they tell them that ""when they die, it all gets better""???"

[WHOicidal Maniac]

"Shouldn't...clearly. No need to get defensive, just because your joke is shit."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

I should not do it or should do it......dick

[WHOicidal Maniac]

Hello Mrs. Jones 11:43 Fri Jan 22 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I never post on this thread because all my jokes arent funny...you should do it too.

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Winnie Mandela....

[The Joker]

Fuck's sake.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Not a joke but too good not to share... Whilst looking on the web to find when Hoare & Cos introduced Toby Ale came across this on a John Hoares family history site. Extract from ""The Magic of my Youth"" by Arthur Calder-Marshall *The author, under age, visits 'the Blue Posts' public house off Tottenham Court Road (Central London)* I pushed open the door. Behind the bar was a peroxide blonde who pulled beer dreamily as she conversed with a red foxy-faced man sitting on a stool. Her cheeks were white with powder, her thin lips painted with greasy lipstick in a parody of passion. From home training I knew she was 'common' and probably fast. She appeared entrancingly desirable, even though she was pathetically plain and undernourished. I liked standing there not being served. It was a cheap peek at Life. Having served customers to my right and left, she deigned to notice me. ""And what do you want, son?"" she asked. The 'son' riled me (though it might have been 'sonny'). In a loud, clear voice which betrayed the timidity it was meant to disguise I said, ""I want two large Elephants, please."" This sentence, formulated as I hesitated outside, seemed to me a triumph of expertise, until I saw the expression on the girl's face. ""I'm sorry, son,"" she said; ""I didn't quite catch."" A couple of large Elephants,"" I repeated, laying my money on the counter. ""Or four small ones would do."" She turned to a managerial person by her side. ""There's a young gentleman here,"" she said in a ringing voice, ""wanting to buy elephants. Could you see to him?"" The bar was silent. The customers knew they were on, to a good thing. The Manager asked me to repeat my request. I did so with what I hoped was the proper scorn of anybody in the pub business who didn't know what an Elephant was. ""There's a pet shop up the road, son,"" he said, ""but I doubt they could give you delivery tonight."" This and the roar of laughter which followed it made me realise the double entendre, but I was too ashamed to laugh myself. ""Don't you,"" I asked with surging contempt, ""don't you keep Fremlin's Elephant Ale?"" ""Oh,"" said the barmaid. ""This is a Hoare's house, sonny, not a Fremlin's. What about two large Hoares?"". Nearly capsized in the hurricane of laughter which this suggestion raised, I paid across my money, snatched the large Hoares and pushed into the street"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy goes for an interview and the bloke says ""Have you filled in the questionnaire yet?"" so he went downstairs and beat up the doorman...."

[Dwight Van Mann]

Aalborg Hammer 12:36 Sun Jan 17 ©Jim Davidson 1986

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Prince Charles goes to Middlesbrough to open a new factory and he turns up wearing a fur coat and hat. After the ceremony is over the manager says ""Your Majesty,I'm so pleased that you're here to open our new factory but I'm surprised that you're wearing such warm clothes on a summers day like this !"" ""Well "" says Charles ""I was discussing today's duties with the Queen last night over dinner and I mentioned that I was coming up to Middlesbrough today to open a carpet factory and she said Middlesbrough?Wear the fox hat?"""

[riosleftsock]

"A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; ""Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"" A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, ""Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"" He replied, ""They had eggs."""

[riosleftsock]

"A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 'Frank , for the FIFTH fucking time, CHICKEN!'"

[Dwight Van Mann]

Reply Mirkwood 8:49 Fri Jan 15 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Good un.

[Mirkwood]

"A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'"

[dannyboy]

Knock knock Who's there? Europe .........

[joe royal]

? Hello.

[Cc]

I don't know if it's possible but you can nobble it

[Trevor B]

How do you nob someone's wi-fi?

[Cc]

"Bob receives the following text from his neighbour: 'I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been nobbling your wife, day and night when you're not around, I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again'. Bob feels anguished and betrayed and enters his bedroom, grabs his gun, and without a word, shoots his wife and kills her. A few moments later, a second text comes in: 'Damn auto-correct. I meant ""Wi-Fi"", not ""Wife""'."

[ted fenton]

"A man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, ""Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."" The social worker behind the counter said ""Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."" ""Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."" The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,..............""You're bull-shittin' me!"" The social worker said, ""Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . """

[mike hunt]

oh dear just been on sickipedia have we?

[team boaty]

"Thousands of David Bowie fans have flocked to Brixton today, paying tribute to its most famous son. He turned the area white. Bowie's a hero, just for one day. PS:What was David Bowie`s last hit ? Morphine"