THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[VirginiaHam]

"A man goes to the doctors and says ""Doctor, I've got a strawberry on my head"". The Doctor says ""hold on, I've got some cream for that""."

[madeeasy]

"A man goes to the doctors and says ""everytime I masturbate I shout 'come on you spurs' "" Doctor replied ""don't worry most wankers do"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Never adopt a stupid dwarf 'cos it ain''t big and it ain't clever

[Wanstead-BML]

Midget Psychic escapes from prison. Police have confirmed this by stating that there is a small medium at large.

[Eindhoven Hammer]

Everyone on the Blackburn away thread!

[riosleftsock]

This has gone a bit quiet - can't think why....

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A woman notices that her dog has an ear infection so she goes to the vets.He says that the dog has ingrowing hairs that are irritating him and suggest she get a hair removal cream from the chemist and rub it into his ears. The chemists asks ""Is it for your legs?"" ""No"" she says...""Is it for your arms?"" ""No"" she says...""What's it for then?"" She says ""It's for my Schnauzer"" "" OK"" says the chemist ""but don't ride your bike for two weeks """

[Coffee]

"A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, ""Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!""ù She responds: ""He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.""ù"

[ted fenton]

Fucked Up Video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJzwAswDzns

[ted fenton]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88nWsOHdnbI

[longford]

Ok the punch line is the ZIKO virus .... im trying to think up a gag to go with it !! theres one somewhere

[Rio or Anton or Les]

"A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, ""Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."" He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, ""What's your occupation?"" ""I'm a Hooker,"" she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ""Let's try to re-phrase that."" The woman says, ""OK, I'm a high-end call girl"". ""No, that still won't work. Try again."" They both think for a minute; then the woman says, ""I'm an elite poultry farmer."" The accountant asks, ""What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"" ""Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."" ""Poultry Farmer it is."""

[Rio or Anton or Les]

"A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. ""Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."" The art collector replied, ""I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."" The lawyer said, ""Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."" Saul replied enthusiastically, ""Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"" The lawyer replied, ""The pictures are of you with your secretary."""

[joyo]

My daughter used to love the cabbage patch dolls....now she's off to Brazil to get a real life One!

[Mad Dog]

"Sorry, by the way"

[Mad Dog]

"If all these women giving birth to disabled brown babies in Brazil tells us one thing, at least we know where Dwight Yorke went on holiday last year"

[riosleftsock]

"The other day my girlfriend said she wanted a rape alarm. So at 6.45 this morning, I put tape over her mouth and fucked her up the arse. When I was finished, I whispered in her ear, ""Time to get up for work, darling."""

[joyo]

"People living in Brazil are quite liberal with sun,sex and samba, but l think because of the Zika virus they have become very narrow minded!"

[BigDad]

joyo... BOOM !!! Now that's what this thread is all about

[The Stoat]

"A bloke strolls into an Islamic Book Shop in Brick Lane and is approached by the owner who asked him what he wants He said 'Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of immigrants? The owner replied, ""Fuck off get out and never come back"" He said ""yes, that's the one, how much?"""

[bell]

"What if Stephen Hawking is The Real Slim Shady, but no one will ever know because he won't stand up?"

[joyo]

I'm thinking of going to Brazil for a blow-job as I've heard it's a good place to get a little head!

[ted fenton]

"It's IKEA's 25th birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk, and told them there's your fucking cake. Hahaha"

[riosleftsock]

I discovered that my son has become sexually active today. Not what I wanted to find out from the vet.

[riosleftsock]

"One day the Pope was walking down an Italian road when he spotted a black magic shop in an alleyway. Curious, he decided to go inside and look around. As he approached the counter, the woman behind told him they were doing a special on Voodoo Dolls. The Pope thought for a few moments and told the woman he would like to buy one. She then informed him he would need to get the hair of the person he would like the doll to represent. He plucked some hair from his head and handed it over the counter. ""You want a doll of yourself?"" she asked. The Pope nodded and soon left with his doll. The next day the Pope was visiting the victim of abuse at one of his churches. Producing the doll he said to the child, ""Show me on the doll where the naughty priest touched you."""