THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"That's terrible Aalborg. Try this one.... A drunk man was staggering home with a bottle of whiskey in his back pocket. He slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. ""Please God,"" he thought. ""Let it be blood!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"There's this huge woman standing at the bar in a nightclub and she has a tee shirt with 'Maneater' on the front...a bloke goes up to her and says ""It's about your tee shirt, love"" ""What, because it looks like I've eaten a man 'cos I'm so big??"" ""No"" says the bloke ""You don't spell 'Manatee' like that"""

[The_Phantom]

"Heres a really old (literally) one I found...and sorry its a bit long... Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. ""Friends,Romans Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to Conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."" The crowd are up on their feet ""Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"". In the background, Brutus turns to his mate and says ""Caesar doesn't half talk some s***e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."" six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. ""Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls"". The crowd is up on their feet again. ""Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"". Brutus once again turns to his mate ""I'm sick of his bulls**t. I'm off to France to check this out."" So Brutus sets off for France. Three weeks later he comes back to Rome,just as Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again. Caesar is giving his usual patter to the assembled throng, ""Friends, Romans Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out!"" The crowd is up on their feet. ""Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"" Brutus jumps up and shouts, ""Caesar, you are exposed as a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!"" The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says...................... ""Brutus, you are forgetting one thing............. Away Gauls count double in Europe."""

[penners28]

what kind of drugs do ducks like? quack cocaine

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Stoat...reminds me of the bloke who goes into a Glaswegian bakery and says ""Is that a doughnut in the window or a meringue?"" The woman says ""No, you're perfectly correct ,it's a doughnut"""

[ted fenton]

"I decided to go to the local mosque in Bradford to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: ""By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammad ""ì you will walk today""ù. I told him I wasn't paralysed but I did have a small bunion on my left foot. He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: ""By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammad ""ì you will walk today""ù. Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me. After prayers, I stepped outside. And bugger me ............... MY CAR WAS GONE!!!"

[The Stoat]

"I went into a Scottish bakery, earlier. 'How much is that cake?' I asked the baker. 'A poond' And how much is that one? 'A poond' And that one? 'A poond' 'In fact, all ma cakes are a poond', he said. 'Ach, apart from that one' 'Its two poonds' Why's that then? 'That's Madeira cake..'"

[claret50]

"Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, if my wife smells that she will think I've been in a whorehouse,' The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?' Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."

[Ridikzappa]

I don't know Saul.

[Saul Bollox]

"What is 14"" long with a purple head?"

[strong dreams]

"Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, ""Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"" She says tearfully, ""I'm going to commit suicide!!"" While he didn't want to appear ""sensitive,"" George also didn't want to miss this ""be-a-legend"" opportunity either so he asked . . . ""Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, ""Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"" ""My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."" It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed."

[madeeasy]

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face.

[Queens Fish Bar]

"A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, ""Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?""ù The father, surprised, answers, ""Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.""ù ""Onions?""ù the son asks. ""Yes. You see them and they make you cry.""ù This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, ""Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?""ù The mother smiles and says, ""Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree.""ù ""A Christmas tree?""ù the daughter asks. ""Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.""ù"

[Willtell]

"These jokes certainly get around the world... BubblesCyprus 10:40 Thu Dec 8 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven....."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, ""Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."" God asks Obama first: ""What do you believe?"" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, ""I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen"". God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, ""What do you believe?"" Hillary says, ""I believe passion, discipline, courage and honour are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."" God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, ""And you, Donald, what do you believe?"" Trump replies,  ""I believe you're in my seat."""

[ted fenton]

It's Burns night. That must be awkward in a certain unit of the hospital...

[ray winstone]

"A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this storeONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.' After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. 'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'"

[Briano]

"Bloke wakes up in hospital after a car crash, doctor says 'good news is your gonna make a full recovery, bad news is your knob got sliced off, a police car ran over it so we can't re attach it. The bloke it distraught, doctor then says ' not to worry though, you've got 9 grand on the insurance and with the pioneering surgery we can rebuild it, the cost is 1000 pounds an inch so you have decide if you want a modest 5 incher or go for the full monty. Bloke rings his wife, doctor comes back and says 'well, what's the verdict' 'Granite worktops'"

[The Joker]

Question. My oldest child (8 now) was having a bath with me when he was a baby and tried to stick his finger up my arse. Do I wait 10years until he's got a bit of money in his pocket and sue him for 'historical sexual abuse' or wait a bit longer?

[ted fenton]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAp8pBIVn3o

[Steven P]

Stoat - im sure that's in part 1

[Keeno78]

Payet

[ted fenton]

:-(

[The Stoat]

"I went down the pub last night and noticed three pieces of meat stuck on the ceiling. I said to the landlord ""What's all that about then?"". He said ""If you can jump high enough to touch one of them you can drink all night for free. If you take the challenge and don't manage to touch any of the meat you have to buy everyone who's in the bar at the moment a pint. Wanna try it?"" I thought about it but replied ""Nah... the steaks are too high..."""