THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a mate asked, ""Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"" Fred replied, ""Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother never likes them."" His mate thinks for a moment and says, ""I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl that's just like your mother."" A few months later they meet again and his friend says, ""Did you find the perfect girl?"" Yes I did he says. ""Did your mother like her?"" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, ""Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."" The friend said, ""Then what's the problem?"" Fred replied, ""My father hates her."""

[Willtell]

"A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. ""Well,"" says the bus driver, ""every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."" The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. ""Oh, God!"" she exclaims. ""Take me with you!"" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. ""Ha, ha!"" he says, ""I'm the man from the bus!"" ""Ha, ha!"" says the nun, removing her costume, ""I'm the gay bus driver!"""

[Nagel]

At least the Irishman wasn't a poof like the other two.

[Willtell]

"An American, a Scotsman and an Irishman were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The American wished to be back home. Poof! He was back home. The Scotsman wished to be at home with his family. Poof! He was back home with his family. The Irishman said, ""Awwww, I wish my friends were here."""

[joe royal]

"There I was just sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. ""Well, whatcha gonna do about it?""ù he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears. ""Oh, come on, man,""ù the biker says, ""I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.""ù ""This is the worst day of my life,""ù I say. ""I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.""ù ""So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[boleyn8420]

Storm Doris is causing some problems. I am sure that after this Doris Day we will be relieved when its over and we will all be Gladys Knight

[Willtell]

"Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about ""the good days,"" when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, ""Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, ""Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, ""Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, ""Honey, where are you going?"" Grandpa replied, ""To get my teeth!"""

[Willtell]

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and... we have no idea where she is.

[DocMarten]

"The missus reckons she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through when watching it. Funnily enough, I have a similar system."

[DocMarten]

"A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill.The doctor checks him over and says, ""I'm Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.It's called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.""ùSo he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news.Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins ¬£50.Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins ¬£350.Then he gets the full house and wins ¬£1000.Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning ¬£400,000!The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,""Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!""ù""Lucky?""ù the bloke screams, ""Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.""ù""Fuck me,""ù says the bingo caller, ""You've won the raffle as well!""ù"

[frank marker]

Twat should have ordered the first one again. ;-)

[Willtell]

"There is a fat bastard watching TV and he sees a commercial for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So, thinking what the hell, he signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, ""If you can catch me, you can have me."" As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost his 10 pounds. After this success he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the doo. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a massive erection, and a sign around his neck that says, ""If I catch you, you're mine!"" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34...."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: ""we're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.""ù The Scotsman says: ""I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.""ù The Irishman says: ""I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.""ù The Welshman says: ""I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.""ù The Englishman says: ""I'd like to be shot first.""ù"

[Mad Dog]

this is true. fucking autocorrect. (will edit it)

[Dwight Van Mann]

It's Moonpig you cսnt

[Mad Dog]

got a birthday card from moonpig today. but she doesn't really like me calling her that

[The Stoat]

A young Arab asks his father. What is this weird hat we wear? It's a chechia in the desert it protects our heads from the sun! And what is this clothing we wear? It's a djbellah in the desert it is very hot and it protects our body! And what are these ugly shoes we have on our feet? These are babouches which keep us from burning our feet in the desert! Tell me papa? Yes my son? Why the f**k are we wearing them in Birmingham?

[boleyn8420]

Went for a coffe the other day and the barista threw milk all over me. How dairy

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke calls the whorehouse asking for a kinky girl to visit.When she knocks on his door, he answers dressed like a trawlerman,Sou'wester hat,oilskin cape and wellies holding an umbrella. He gives her a pair of cymbals and says ""Follow me"" They go into the bathroom and he says ""I'm going to stand in the shower and I want you to switch the light on and off and smash the cymbals together"" After 20 minutes of this ,she says ""Aren't you going to fuck me, then??"" ""What,in this weather???"""

[stoneman]

Women's rugby.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q.What's the similarity between and marriage and a hurricane? A. At the start of it, there's lots of blowing and banging , at the end of it ,you lose your house."

[ted fenton]

This is weird. annagram of west ham united is = The new stadium

[penners28]

This is the JOKE thread people. Just thought i'd post a reminder

[ted fenton]

"Apparently the world Gullible isn't in the English dictionary. Ha - that's rubbish, I looked and it's there!"

[Willtell]

"The West Ham fan's feeling unwell so instead of asking 'Will it work? Will there be any side effects?' No, it's 'Will I be able to drink with these?'"