THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"An Englishman, Irishman and Swiss come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. The Englishman goes first and yells ""Gold!"" and lands in gold. The Irishman goes next and screams ""Silver!"" so he lands in silver. Swiss looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out ""OH SH*T!"""

[Willtell]

If Swiss fell into the English Channel that would be unfortunate. If someone rescued him that would be a calamity...

[Willtell]

How often did you reckon you mug me off Swiss?

[Willtell]

"Swiss was in a restaurant with his girlfriend when, all of a sudden, he got down on one knee. ""Oh Swiss""ù she cried. ""I can't believe this is happening!""ù ""Shut the fuck up,""ù he said, peering over the table. ""My wife's just walked in.""ù"

[Willtell]

"Reporter: ""Excuse me, may I interview you?"" Man: ""Yes!"" Reporter: ""Name?"" Man: ""Swiss."" Reporter: ""Sex?"" Man: ""Three to five times a week."" Reporter: ""No no! I mean male or female?"" Man: ""Yes, male, female..."" Reporter: ""Holy cow!"" Man: ""Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."" Reporter: ""But isn't that hostile?"" Man: ""Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."" Reporter: ""Oh dear!"" Man: ""No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."""

[Willtell]

What's the best thing about the Swiss? Absolutely nothing except their flag is a big plus....

[Willtell]

"Swiss: Shall we try a new position tonight darling? Wife: Sure. You go stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch watching West Ham while drinking beer and farting...."

[Willtell]

Since when did you become a judge? Stick to clock watching and making Hammer & Pickle sound intelligent...

[Swiss.]

Aalborg - that made me chuckle Willtell - Stick to your Brexit posts. Much funnier.

[Willtell]

"An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: ""Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the bombs'. I love you, too, Ahmed"" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. ""Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."""

[Willtell]

"An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ""Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."" The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ""Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."" The doctor was shocked! ""You asked your neighbor?"" The old man replied, ""Yep, none of us could get the jar open."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, ""I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."" The instructor said, ""During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. ""You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."" After a pause, the instructor added, ""I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two rabbits, who have spent their whole lives in a laboratory, are set free one night by an animal activist. They run off into the countryside and come across a field of carrots. Instinct takes over: they get stuck in and start to eat all the carrots they can, until they fall asleep. The following night they go into a field of cabbages. Again, they eat all they can and fall asleep. The night after that, they find a field full of lettuce, which, as before, they proceed to chomp through until they fall asleep. The next night they find themselves in a field full of lady rabbits, all of whom are willing partners. They do what comes naturally and embark upon an all-night session. In the morning, the older rabbit decides he wants to return to the lab. ""What the hell for?"" asks his pal. ""We've had carrots, cabbages, lettuce and, best of all, those ladies last night. What's your problem?"" ""Life is sweet, I agree,"" says the older chap. ""But the thing is, I'm dying for a fag"""

[Willtell]

Look in the mirror then Swiss....

[Swiss.]

yeah I'm still looking for the joke thread

[East Auckland Hammer]

Shiit. My local butcher just got busted for selling drugs. Blew my mind. Been his customer for years and had no idea he was a butcher........

[Willtell]

Saul I heard it the first time...

[Mr Anon]

Saul Bollox 5:01 Wed Apr 19 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Heard it

[Saul Bollox]

"Woman on life support machine is being washed by a nurse. When she washes her vagina, the woman blinks. The nurse calls the Sister who in turn calls the Doctor. The Doctor summons the husband and explains the situation. He tells the husband that stimulation could help, and advises him to try oral sex. The husband goes in and pulls the screen. After some minutes the alarms start going off and nurses and doctors rush to the scene. ""What happened."" asked the Doctor The husband replies "" I think she's choking on the semen."""

[Mike Oxsaw]

Someone related a humorous story to me the other day concerning every rainwater collection barrel in the world. It was the joke of all butts.

[Saul Bollox]

Why is the Star Ship Enterprise like a bog paper. They both go around Uranus flushing out Kilngons

[Gavros]

did you get that out of a christmas cracker?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I see that they've dug up a new Mummy out in Egypt .When they opened the sarcophagus ,the bandages were covered in chopped nuts and chocolate.They realised it was the Pharoah Rocher"

[LondonE3]

good un that Ted

[ted fenton]

"The wife and I were walking down the street today and noticed two cats in a tree. They were both slowly inching their way along a branch toward the tree's centre. ""Look at them."" I whispered to the wife. ""There must be a nest up there."" ""Don't talk like a cnut."" She replied. ""Cats don't live in nests."""