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THE joke threads (part 5)
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Whilst 'off-topic' means all non-football topics can be discussed. This is not a free for all. Rights to this area of the forum aren't implicit, and illegal, defamator, spammy or absuive topics will be removed, with the protagonist's sanctioned.
Whilst 'off-topic' means all non-football topics can be discussed. This is not a free for all. Rights to this area of the forum aren't implicit, and illegal, defamator, spammy or absuive topics will be removed, with the protagonist's sanctioned.
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: ""Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the bombs'. I love you, too, Ahmed"" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. ""Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."""
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ""Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."" The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ""Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."" The doctor was shocked! ""You asked your neighbor?"" The old man replied, ""Yep, none of us could get the jar open."""
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Aalborg Hammer
- Posts: 124
- Location: Hampshire
- Old WHO Number: 19748
- Has liked: 1 time
- Been liked: 27 times
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, ""I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."" The instructor said, ""During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. ""You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."" After a pause, the instructor added, ""I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
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Aalborg Hammer
- Posts: 124
- Location: Hampshire
- Old WHO Number: 19748
- Has liked: 1 time
- Been liked: 27 times
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"Two rabbits, who have spent their whole lives in a laboratory, are set free one night by an animal activist. They run off into the countryside and come across a field of carrots. Instinct takes over: they get stuck in and start to eat all the carrots they can, until they fall asleep. The following night they go into a field of cabbages. Again, they eat all they can and fall asleep. The night after that, they find a field full of lettuce, which, as before, they proceed to chomp through until they fall asleep. The next night they find themselves in a field full of lady rabbits, all of whom are willing partners. They do what comes naturally and embark upon an all-night session. In the morning, the older rabbit decides he wants to return to the lab. ""What the hell for?"" asks his pal. ""We've had carrots, cabbages, lettuce and, best of all, those ladies last night. What's your problem?"" ""Life is sweet, I agree,"" says the older chap. ""But the thing is, I'm dying for a fag"""
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East Auckland Hammer
- Posts: 43
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Shiit. My local butcher just got busted for selling drugs. Blew my mind. Been his customer for years and had no idea he was a butcher........
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Saul Bollox
- Posts: 1271
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"Woman on life support machine is being washed by a nurse. When she washes her vagina, the woman blinks. The nurse calls the Sister who in turn calls the Doctor. The Doctor summons the husband and explains the situation. He tells the husband that stimulation could help, and advises him to try oral sex. The husband goes in and pulls the screen. After some minutes the alarms start going off and nurses and doctors rush to the scene. ""What happened."" asked the Doctor The husband replies "" I think she's choking on the semen."""
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Mike Oxsaw
- Posts: 5305
- Location: Flip between Belvedere & Buri Ram and anywhere else I fancy, just because I can.
- Old WHO Number: 14021
- Has liked: 71 times
- Been liked: 727 times
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Someone related a humorous story to me the other day concerning every rainwater collection barrel in the world. It was the joke of all butts.
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Saul Bollox
- Posts: 1271
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Why is the Star Ship Enterprise like a bog paper. They both go around Uranus flushing out Kilngons
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Aalborg Hammer
- Posts: 124
- Location: Hampshire
- Old WHO Number: 19748
- Has liked: 1 time
- Been liked: 27 times
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"I see that they've dug up a new Mummy out in Egypt .When they opened the sarcophagus ,the bandages were covered in chopped nuts and chocolate.They realised it was the Pharoah Rocher"
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ted fenton
- Posts: 465
- Old WHO Number: 213137
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"The wife and I were walking down the street today and noticed two cats in a tree. They were both slowly inching their way along a branch toward the tree's centre. ""Look at them."" I whispered to the wife. ""There must be a nest up there."" ""Don't talk like a cnut."" She replied. ""Cats don't live in nests."""
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
So Jesus was crucified on Good Friday and rose from the dead on the Sunday? Just in time for half price Easter eggs. Typical fucking Jew.
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
LondonE3 12:38 Sun Apr 16 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Seeing as im not a bailiff i wouldnt know sweetie