THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"Q: What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend, Swiss, a blow job while he was driving? A: They both came off the motorcycle."

[Willtell]

"A woman tells her doctor, ""My husband is Swiss and is 3 times impotent."" The doctor asks her, ""I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"" She replies, ""Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger so whatever will I do?"""

[Willtell]

Q: How can you always tell a blind man at a nude beach? A: It's not hard.

[joe blob]

What do you call a woman with two cunts? NDubz

[claret on my shirt]

Bought a dog and called him shark. I'm now banned from every beach in Australia

[Coffee]

Mrs Jones Ha ha ha! I bet he'll never work in Britain!

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Scroll down to the members of staff. You'll know which name I mean http://www.vanderkindere.com/UserFiles/upload/sales_catalogues_print/vanderkindere_2017-06.pdf

[chim chim cha boo]

"Is it too early for a joke about that crank at Finsbury Park Mosque only wanting to join in with Ramavan? Yeah, thought so. Please don't read it."

[claret50]

The Stoat 4:05 Thu Jun 22 Tick tock.....

[Far East Hammer]

claret on my shirt 1:51 Thu Jun 22 great one!

[The Stoat]

Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham Ahmed Al Sheriah ÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩ here Mustafa Al Sheriah ÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩ.. here Fatima El Bindiri ÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩ.. here Ali Acmah Shabeeb ÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩ here Ali Sun Al En ÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩÔøΩ no answer Ali Sun Al En Little girl at the back stands up and yells ........ It's pronounced Alison Allen for fuck sake

[claret on my shirt]

"Next time you go on a roller coaster take some spare bolts with you & tell the person in front of you ""dude, these just came out of your seat!"""

[Sniper]

"I've been feeling a bit down recently, and my mate just keeps telling me 'come on, it could be worse - you could be stuck in a deep hole full of water' I know he means well..."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his missus and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my missus. He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician....."

[Saul Bollox]

"An Irish man returns home and sees 16 crates of Guinness and a loaf of bread in the hallway. He asks his friend who is also Irish if they were expecting company, and his friend said ""No."" The first bloke then said ""What's all this bread for?"""

[The Stoat]

BREAKING NEWS!!!! Two Muslims have crashed their speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be linked to Ram-a-dam.

[claret on my shirt]

"Tom and Tim, both gay, were traveling on a plane. ""Dude, what if we had sex?"" asks Tom. ""Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it,"" said Tim. ""Nobody is paying attention to anything. Watch this."" Tom stands up and asks loudly, ""Could I please have a magazine?"" Nobody looks at him. Everyone is sleeping, reading or looking out the window. ""They really wouldn't notice then, would they?"" said Tim. So Tom and Tim have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives at the airport and the people are leaving, the flight attendant sees an old man who puked all over his shirt and pants. ""Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"" ""I didn't dare"" whispered the old man. ""A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a magazine and he got fucked in the ass."

[Willtell]

"Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they had sex, she would complain about splinters, so Pinocchio went to Gepetto about the problem. Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend. A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, ""So how's it going with your girlfriend?"" Pinocchio said, ""Who needs a girlfriend?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"J.C. and the boys turn up at the restaurant for the Last Supper and ask for a table for 26 The manager says ""But there's only 13 of you"" ""We'll only be sitting on one side, pal"""

[The Stoat]

"A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sitting in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, ÔøΩIÔøΩm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!ÔøΩ Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around, puts his thumb up and says, ÔøΩThanks mate!ÔøΩ The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesnÔøΩt pay too much attention to it. The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is a black guy sitting in the corner, so the man, again, goes to the bar, turns around and says, ÔøΩIÔøΩm going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that black guy over there!ÔøΩ The patrons are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity. When he buys the last pint, the black guy turns around, puts his thumb up and says, ÔøΩThanks mate!ÔøΩ The racist scratches his head and asks the barman, ÔøΩWhy is that black guy thanking me when heÔøΩs the only person IÔøΩm not buying drinks for?ÔøΩ ÔøΩWellÔøΩ the barman responds, ÔøΩhe owns this place.ÔøΩ"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Here's hoping this isn't awful or old.... Two Paddys get chatting in a bar... ""Are you from Dublin??"" ""I am"" ""What part?"" ""Balanteer"" ""Jaysus,so am I"" ""What school did you go to?"" ""St .Lukes"" ""So did I!"" ""Who was your maths teacher?"" ""Father Delaney"" ""So was mine!"" ""What year did you leave?"" ""1964"" ""So did I!!"" The barman starts smiling and shaking his head so a fella at the bar asks him what's funny. ""Those Fitzpatrick twins, once they had a few pints!"""

[cheeses cruyf]

"Just got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band, l just stand around an' ting"

[claret on my shirt]

"A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ""The KEY,"" where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted ""The Key."" Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. ""For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."" The doctor looked at her closely and said, ""Those aren't bags, those are your tits."" ÔøΩOh!ÔøΩ, she said, ""No point asking about the beard then..........."""

[les marteaux]

"1st Man in gym:""How long have you been wearing that corset."" 2nd Man: ""Ever since me wife found it in the back of the car."""

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 6:27 Fri Jun 9 Vely Good