THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ray winstone]

"I mentioned to a girl at work that her painted eyebrows looked weird, she looked surprised...."

[lab]

Ag !that's good.

[Willtell]

"As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ""I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."" ""In that case,"" said the patient, ""I'll come back when you're sober."""

[lab]

"Well if we're doing sick ones . . . . .little boy shagging his sister, he says ere you're a better shag than mum , she says I know dad already told me ."

[les marteaux]

How do you know when Mum's having a period? Dad's cock tastes different.

[Willtell]

"Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, ""It's the chemist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."" Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, ""Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of 10p's against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the 10p's - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back into a showcase of perfume bottles. Half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"""

[claret on my shirt]

"Got pulled over by the police..Police: ""Turn around"" Me: ""Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"" Police: ""Turn around"" Me: ""Bright eye's"" That's when I got tasered."

[claret on my shirt]

"The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet. ""Just slide your finger between the flaps"", she suggested. That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance"

[bigst]

"Completely wasted a tenner on a pay-per-view film last night. Turns out ""Katie Price- My dribbling cսnt"" was just a video of Harvey's birthday party"

[claret on my shirt]

"A catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, ""I'm pregnant"" He asks, ""How did this happen my child?"" She says, ""I think it must be the second coming! The priest, shocked by this reply asks, ""What makes you think it is the second coming?"" She replies, ""Because I swallowed the first!"

[Willtell]

"At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from Australia stood up: ""At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb dinner for us."" The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: ""After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."" The crowd cheered. The third speaker from East London stood up: ""After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."""

[Willtell]

"A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. ""I don't want to know!"" the child said, bursting into tears. ""Promise me you won't tell me."" Confused, the father asked what was wrong ""Oh dad,"" the boy sobbed, ""when I was 6 I got the ""there's no Santa"" speech. At 7, I got the ""there's no Easter Bunny"" speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the ""there's no tooth fairy"" speech. IF you're telling me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."""

[Willtell]

"A child asked his father, ""How were people first born?"" So his father said, ""Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."" The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, ""We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."" The child ran back to his father and said, ""You lied to me!"" His father replied, ""No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."""

[Willtell]

"An company manager had a business with money problems. He decided he had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee that came late into work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. So then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager jumped up to her and said, ""Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."" Jill replied ""Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."""

[frank marker]

Stoat :-)

[The_Phantom]

"A couple are on holiday in Holland and whilst shopping, pause outside a pet shop. In the window is a kitten next to a sign ""Genuine Amsterdam Breed"". The lady , a real cat enthusiast, is extremely curious about it, especially as she'd never heard of cats being bred in Holland before. So she sends her husband in enquire. He approaches the assistant and says ""Ere mate, how Dutch is that moggie in the window ?"""

[boleyn8420]

We have a beautiful little girl that we named after my mum. In fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turn 5 tomorrow

[Helmut Shown]

Did you hear about the Millwall supporter who had a boil on his bum? He stuck the plaster on the mirror

[The Stoat]

"I thought I would try something different at the Indian restaurant, so I had a pelican madras it was very tasty .... but the bill was enormous!"

[claret on my shirt]

"When a Lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say ""Congratulations"" But none of them come over and touch a man's knob and say 'well done '!"

[claret on my shirt]

"Top Tip: Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant! Attention!!...All bald people...Never wear polo neck jumpers, unless you are happy to look like a Roll-on deodorant"

[claret on my shirt]

"I was in the Bar when I started chatting to a Midget. ""You seem like a Nice and Trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine""..?? I asked. ""Looking for a good time, are you""..?? she said, smiling. ""No,"" I replied. ""I've lost my Door Key and you're the only fucker I know, that could Fit through my Cat Flap."

[claret on my shirt]

"Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti... Hang on, doesn't matter now"

[Willtell]

No you do that with your constant abuse. I just take the piss out of you...

[Swiss.]

How do you embarrass yourself and look like an old fool?. Take the username Willtell and post on WHO.