THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"An Iishman gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. ""What's up babe?"" he says. ""I'm having a heart attack,"" cries his wife. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says ""Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. ""You rotten bastard,"" says the husband, ""my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"""

[ted fenton]

"Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. ""Tell me about your staff,"" he asked Paddy. ""Well,"" said Paddy, ""there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."" ""That's disgraceful"" said the inspector, ""I need to interview the half-wit."" ""That'll be me then,"" said Paddy."

[The Stoat]

the_bigot 3:08 Mon Sep 18 ;-)

[the_bigot]

"A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, ""So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news."" The art collector replied, ""I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."" The lawyer said, ""Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."" Fred replied enthusiastically, ""Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"" The lawyer replied, ""The pictures are of you and your secretary."""

[Willtell]

"A Policeman was testing 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. ""This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"" The first blonde answers "" That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye"" The policeman says ""Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile so you can only see one eye!"" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her ""This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says ""Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!"" The policeman angrily responds, ""What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks ""This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"" He adds quickly ""....think hard before giving a stupid blonde answer"" The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says ""HMMMM... the suspect is wearing contact lenses."" The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. ""Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that"" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. ""WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"" ""That's easy"" the blonde replied. ""He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. ""Breast-fed"" she replied. ""Well, strip down to your waist,"" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, ""No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."" I know,"" she said, ""I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mother was a red Indian and my father was a Scotsman - they were going to call me Hawkeye- the-Noo

[Pee Wee]

I just had an operation to have a mole removed from my penis. Doctor said the procedure went well. RSPCA said they are going to prosecute

[cheeses cruyf]

Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.

[ted fenton]

:-) Well I nicked it !!!

[The Stoat]

ted ;-) nicking that one

[ted fenton]

"To all my friends on Facebook beware. There's a person using the name Buster , if you add him as a friend he fills your wall with videos of 70s glam rock. Does anyone know a way, there's got to be a way to block buster."

[Willtell]

"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software licensing agreement. In the end you just ignore everything and say ""I agree""."

[Willtell]

During labour a woman feels pain so great that she can almost imagine what it feels like for a man with a cold...

[The Stoat]

"A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ""The KEY,"" where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted ""The Key."" Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. ""All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."" The doctor looked at her closely and said, ""Those aren't bags, those are your tits"" She said, ""No point asking about the beard then ......"""

[Keep dreaming]

"What's the French word for pussy? Can't remember, but I had it on the tip of my tongue yesterday"

[Mirkwood]

That was funny...lol

[Willtell]

"A boy walks in late for school and has no shirt on. The new teacher asks ""where have you been to be so late?"" The boy said ""I was on top of BlueBerry Hill"". Being a new teacher she thought this was weird and that she'd find out what Blueberry hill was later but didn't want to appear naive so said ""alright sit down."" Another boy walks in late with no pants on and says ""Sorry I'm late teacher but I was on top of BlueBerry Hill?"" ""Alright sit down"" says the teacher. Then a girl walks in with no clothes on. The teacher says ""Let me guess you were on top of Blueberry Hill too huh?"" the girl replies ""No I am BlueBerry Hill"""

[Son of Sam]

Knock Knock Whos there? The Interupting Cow The Inte.. MOOOOOO !

[ted fenton]

"I was on a plane and the air hostess said, ""Want some headphones?"" I said, ""Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"""

[Willtell]

"A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The interviewing manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the shop was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p. ' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him loads of fishing gear, a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'"

[Willtell]

"Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business. ""It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell"" says one of the girls. ""How can you tell?"" says the other. ""I can smell cock in the air"" replies the first hooker. ""Sorry"", her friend replied, "" I just burped!"""

[Willtell]

"The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for some cheap flights. Well, I was completely surprised when she said ""I love you!"" and kissed me, got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me a fantastic blow job and the most amazing sex ever. It was really odd because she's never shown an interest in my darts before!"

[Mad Dog]

"15 Funniest Jokes of the Fringe Festival 2017 (apparently) I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng - 33% Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle ""ì 30% I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point? Alexei Sayle - 29% I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz - 28% I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated. Andy Field - 27% Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant. Mark Simmons - 27% I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it""¶ Jimeoin - 26% I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne - 24% I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine. Olaf Falafel - 24% Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!' Alasdair Beckett-King - 23% A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event. Angela Barnes - 20% As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff - 20% For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it. Phil Wang - 20% I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. Adam Hess - 18% I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine - 18%"

[boleyn8420]

"I am not a fan of the new one pound coin, but then again, I hate all change"