THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[HairyHammer]

"So there was this football manager called Slaven Bilic and for two games in a row he managed to get the tactics for his team absolutely spot on with his team gelling well, and every single player played as if they knew exactly what they had to do."

[Mirkwood]

"A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ""Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, ""Honey, please...just one more time before die."" She says, ""Of course, Dear,"" and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. ""Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."" At this point the wife sits up and says,""Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A dwarf girl goes to the doctor. ""What seems to be the problem?"" the doctor asks ""Well its a funny one"" she replies "" every time i go out in the rain my fanny goes red raw"" The doctor looks out of the window and notices its raining. He says ""go out in the rain and come back in five minutes and I'll examine you"" She comes back after five minutes and sure enough her fanny is red raw. The doctor says ""I think I know how we can fix this"" ""Go home and cut two inches off the top of your wellies"""

[Willtell]

"A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says ""Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"" The blonde replies, ""I'm OK with the head but how do you give shoulders?"""

[The Stoat]

"I applied for a job at Citroen last week, for some reason I had to send in 2 CV's."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two fish are sitting in a tank. Says the first to the second, ""You man the guns and I'll drive."""

[Willtell]

Swiss. 12:04 You make me laugh with all your bullshit Swiss... I just try to bring a smile to my fellow hammers.

[Aalborg Hammer]

The dyslexic Yorkshireman who was walking round Leeds with a cat flap on his head

[Swiss.]

Willtell You do know the concept of a joke is to make someone laugh. Btw did you steal Bod Monkhouse's book of jokes?

[Willtell]

"I saw a real joke on Twitter this morning that made me laugh anyway. ""BREAKING: A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case."""

[Willtell]

"A wealthy business man was having an affair with an Italian model for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money and told her to go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write ""Spaghetti"" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ""Honey,"" she said, ""you received a very strange post card from Italy today."" ""Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,"" he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: ""Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."""

[Willtell]

"An Iishman gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. ""What's up babe?"" he says. ""I'm having a heart attack,"" cries his wife. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says ""Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. ""You rotten bastard,"" says the husband, ""my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"""

[ted fenton]

"Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. ""Tell me about your staff,"" he asked Paddy. ""Well,"" said Paddy, ""there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."" ""That's disgraceful"" said the inspector, ""I need to interview the half-wit."" ""That'll be me then,"" said Paddy."

[The Stoat]

the_bigot 3:08 Mon Sep 18 ;-)

[the_bigot]

"A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, ""So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news."" The art collector replied, ""I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."" The lawyer said, ""Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."" Fred replied enthusiastically, ""Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"" The lawyer replied, ""The pictures are of you and your secretary."""

[Willtell]

"A Policeman was testing 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. ""This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"" The first blonde answers "" That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye"" The policeman says ""Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile so you can only see one eye!"" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her ""This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says ""Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!"" The policeman angrily responds, ""What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks ""This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"" He adds quickly ""....think hard before giving a stupid blonde answer"" The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says ""HMMMM... the suspect is wearing contact lenses."" The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. ""Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that"" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. ""WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"" ""That's easy"" the blonde replied. ""He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. ""Breast-fed"" she replied. ""Well, strip down to your waist,"" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, ""No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."" I know,"" she said, ""I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mother was a red Indian and my father was a Scotsman - they were going to call me Hawkeye- the-Noo

[Pee Wee]

I just had an operation to have a mole removed from my penis. Doctor said the procedure went well. RSPCA said they are going to prosecute

[cheeses cruyf]

Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.

[ted fenton]

:-) Well I nicked it !!!

[The Stoat]

ted ;-) nicking that one

[ted fenton]

"To all my friends on Facebook beware. There's a person using the name Buster , if you add him as a friend he fills your wall with videos of 70s glam rock. Does anyone know a way, there's got to be a way to block buster."

[Willtell]

"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software licensing agreement. In the end you just ignore everything and say ""I agree""."

[Willtell]

During labour a woman feels pain so great that she can almost imagine what it feels like for a man with a cold...