THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Swiss.]

The message here is never invite Willtell to a dinner party unless you want your guests to leave early.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When asked about the reasons why he resigned, Sunderland manager Dick Advocaat said, ""Someone poured lemonade over me and it just snowballed from there"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I travelled to the Ulan Bator branch of B & Q for a particularly bland colour of paint but was told they were outer magnolia.

[Mirkwood]

Made me laugh as well...:)

[Willtell]

I do my best Coffee

[Coffee]

"Willtell, that reply made me chuckle!"

[Willtell]

What do you mean wtf was that? It was a classy joke fit for WHO audience...

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Willtell....wtf was that?

[Willtell]

"A moron, a nitwit and a psychopath, walk into a bar. The moron says ""My god is best god. And Jesus is the son of god."" The nitwit says ""My god is the best god. And Israelites are the chosen people."" The psychopath says ""My god is best god."" Both moron and nitwit ask ""And?"" The psychopath looks them in the eyes, takes out a gun, shoots them both dead and says ""And Allahu Akbar!"""

[Mad Dog]

I slept for 6 hours straight last night And a further 2 hours gay

[Willtell]

"This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. ""Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"" She told him, ""because he was conceived during a mighty storm."" Then he asked, ""Why is my sister named Cornflower?"" She replied, ""Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."" ""And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"" The mother said, ""We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."" Mother Indian paused and asked her son, ""Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"""

[Mad Dog]

"Dickens ""it was the best of times, it was the worst of times Schroedinger ""nice, nice"""

[Willtell]

"One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, ""Honey, would you give me a blow job?"" Horrified, she replies ""Are you mad? My parents will see us!"" ""Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"" ""No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "" Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"" ""No way. It's just too risky!"" ""Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"" ""No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"" ""Oh yes you can. Please?"" ""No, no. I just can't"" ""I'm begging you ... Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, ""Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."""

[Johnson]

Not funny Zoltan

[HairyHammer]

"So there was this football manager called Slaven Bilic and for two games in a row he managed to get the tactics for his team absolutely spot on with his team gelling well, and every single player played as if they knew exactly what they had to do."

[Mirkwood]

"A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ""Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, ""Honey, please...just one more time before die."" She says, ""Of course, Dear,"" and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. ""Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."" At this point the wife sits up and says,""Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A dwarf girl goes to the doctor. ""What seems to be the problem?"" the doctor asks ""Well its a funny one"" she replies "" every time i go out in the rain my fanny goes red raw"" The doctor looks out of the window and notices its raining. He says ""go out in the rain and come back in five minutes and I'll examine you"" She comes back after five minutes and sure enough her fanny is red raw. The doctor says ""I think I know how we can fix this"" ""Go home and cut two inches off the top of your wellies"""

[Willtell]

"A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says ""Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"" The blonde replies, ""I'm OK with the head but how do you give shoulders?"""

[The Stoat]

"I applied for a job at Citroen last week, for some reason I had to send in 2 CV's."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two fish are sitting in a tank. Says the first to the second, ""You man the guns and I'll drive."""

[Willtell]

Swiss. 12:04 You make me laugh with all your bullshit Swiss... I just try to bring a smile to my fellow hammers.

[Aalborg Hammer]

The dyslexic Yorkshireman who was walking round Leeds with a cat flap on his head

[Swiss.]

Willtell You do know the concept of a joke is to make someone laugh. Btw did you steal Bod Monkhouse's book of jokes?

[Willtell]

"I saw a real joke on Twitter this morning that made me laugh anyway. ""BREAKING: A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case."""

[Willtell]

"A wealthy business man was having an affair with an Italian model for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money and told her to go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write ""Spaghetti"" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ""Honey,"" she said, ""you received a very strange post card from Italy today."" ""Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,"" he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: ""Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."""