THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A dwarf couple had time off from the circus to go to the maternity unit for their baby scan. The midwife asked "" what are you hoping for ? ""..."" they reply "" we don't care....as long as it fits in the cannon"

[Aalborg Hammer]

To the bastard who stole 200 cans of Red Bull from my garage: how do you sleep at night?!

[Mad Dog]

Measured myself earlier 6 feet 2 inches Should point out those are 2 separate measurements

[Swiss.]

Willtell Yeah you got me bad back man...You're a regular Cyrano De Bergerac. I bow to your cunning wit.

[Willtell]

Swiss Simple really. You don't take the mick out of me and get away with it mate....

[ray winstone]

Swiss. 3:35 Fri Sep 29 That actually made me laugh out loud. üòÇ

[Swiss.]

"Willtell You sad, senile old mong."

[Willtell]

"Swiss was standing on a pier with intentions of committing suicide. A sailor walks past and asks him whats wrong. Swiss says my life stinks and they all think I'm a joke at WHO - you just don't want to know! The sailor tells Swiss he's sailing to America and he will smuggle him on board and look after him, feed him and make sure he is OK. Swiss asks why he's being so kind and what does he want in return for all his help. The sailor replies your a good looking man and I think you know what we sailors like. Swiss grudgingly agrees to keep him happy sexually. Two weeks later the captain of the ship is doing his rounds and finds Swiss hiding in the hold of the ship. ""What are you doing in here"" the captain says. Swiss replies that one of his crew is looking after him until they arrive in America. The captain asks Swiss what he is doing for him, and Swiss replies ""He's fucking me up the arse every night."" The captain says ""he sure is, this is the Liverpool ferry""."

[Willtell]

"Swiss once tried to tell me a boomerang joke. All of a sudden he forgot what he was trying to say. I said reassuringly ""Swiss. Don't worry it will come back to you."""

[Swiss.]

Willtell lol..did you ever get over the Carry On films?

[Willtell]

"There was this stupid Swiss bloke and he was at his English lessons. His teacher (an elderly lady) told him to go to three different places and learn three different words for his homework. So Swiss went to the airport and learned all about ""takeoff"". Then he went to the zoo and saw a nice stripey animal so learned the word ""zebra"". Then he went to the hospital and saw a room full of kids in cots and so learned the word ""baby"" Next week when he went back to his English teacher she asked him what three words he had learnt. He said to his elderly teacher ""takeoff ze-bra baby"""

[Swiss.]

The message here is never invite Willtell to a dinner party unless you want your guests to leave early.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When asked about the reasons why he resigned, Sunderland manager Dick Advocaat said, ""Someone poured lemonade over me and it just snowballed from there"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I travelled to the Ulan Bator branch of B & Q for a particularly bland colour of paint but was told they were outer magnolia.

[Mirkwood]

Made me laugh as well...:)

[Willtell]

I do my best Coffee

[Coffee]

"Willtell, that reply made me chuckle!"

[Willtell]

What do you mean wtf was that? It was a classy joke fit for WHO audience...

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Willtell....wtf was that?

[Willtell]

"A moron, a nitwit and a psychopath, walk into a bar. The moron says ""My god is best god. And Jesus is the son of god."" The nitwit says ""My god is the best god. And Israelites are the chosen people."" The psychopath says ""My god is best god."" Both moron and nitwit ask ""And?"" The psychopath looks them in the eyes, takes out a gun, shoots them both dead and says ""And Allahu Akbar!"""

[Mad Dog]

I slept for 6 hours straight last night And a further 2 hours gay

[Willtell]

"This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. ""Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"" She told him, ""because he was conceived during a mighty storm."" Then he asked, ""Why is my sister named Cornflower?"" She replied, ""Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."" ""And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"" The mother said, ""We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."" Mother Indian paused and asked her son, ""Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"""

[Mad Dog]

"Dickens ""it was the best of times, it was the worst of times Schroedinger ""nice, nice"""

[Willtell]

"One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, ""Honey, would you give me a blow job?"" Horrified, she replies ""Are you mad? My parents will see us!"" ""Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"" ""No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "" Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"" ""No way. It's just too risky!"" ""Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"" ""No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"" ""Oh yes you can. Please?"" ""No, no. I just can't"" ""I'm begging you ... Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, ""Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."""

[Johnson]

Not funny Zoltan