THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"You're obviously feeling a bit lonely Swiss... Swiss entered a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms for his next imaginary girlfriend. The pharmacist asks, What size? Swiss replied, I don't know. Well, take this measuring board with holes in it and go to the bathroom, look at the porn and when you get an erection, measure your dick's thickness by seeing which hole is most comfortable fit. After 10 minutes Swiss comes back and tells the pharmacist, ""I have changed my mind I don't need the condoms but how much is this beautiful measuring board""?"

[Swiss.]

"Willtell ius frantically looking through his joke book to c&p and find and replace ""A man"" with ""Swiss"". If he knows how to use it . Which is doubtful so this could take some time."

[Swiss.]

"An old man hobbles into a book shop. ""Excuse me""ù he says whilst drooling to the man behind the counter ""Can you sell me a book of the oldest jokes known to man?""ù The man behind the counter replies ""Willtell, Not you again. I sold that book to you over ten years ago and you still come in here every day asking for it. You really are a senile old fool aren't you?""ù Willtell replies ""Yes I suppose I am""¶hehe""ù .Chuckling to himself"

[Far East Hammer]

"In hindsight i should of put my Facebook status as ""Blew the gasket on on my Ford"" Rather than ""I just fucked a 15 year old escort "" Police have confiscated my laptop ,and the Mrs has gone back to her mothers."

[ted fenton]

"My boss phoned me today. He said, ""Is everything okay at the office?"" I said, ""Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."" ""Can you do me a favour?"" he asked. I said, ""Of course, what is it?"" He said, ""Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The asteroid which is set to miss Earth by 26,000 miles has been christened 'Emil Heskey' by NASA"

[Willtell]

"A beautiful blond lady went to the dry cleaners with her white blouse and gave it to the young man behind the counter. The young man gave her special attention writing out the slip and took down all her details. He was trying to work out how to ask her for a date but the blond walked to the door so he said ""Come again!"" The blond turned around at the door and said ""No! Its mustard."""

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

If God didn't intend us to eat animals then why did he make them out of food?

[Willtell]

"Q. What's the difference between a nine- months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him."

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 3:03 Tue Oct 10 Very witty ;-)

[Willtell]

"Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes school."

[ted fenton]

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday. He had a Wigan address.

[SecondOpinion]

DAD would have been funnier in that last joke.........or maybe not?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This young student asks a gorgeous girl out.He knows he's punching way above his weight so he draws all his money out ,blows his budget and takes her to a posh restaurant. She orders all the expensive dishes and the best wines. He says ""Does your Mum feed you this well?"" She says ""No, but my Mum isn't expecting me to suck her cock later"""

[Willtell]

Excellent one Ted.

[Coffee]

Ha!!

[ted fenton]

"History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement. It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night."

[Willtell]

"A postman was getting ready to retire and it was his last day on the job. At the first house the man greeted him at the door and gave him a cigar. The mailman said thank you and went on his way. At the second house a woman gave him £10 and said she would miss him. Again he said thank you and went on his way. At the third house a beautiful blonde opened the door then pulled him up to her bedroom. They made love for a while. Afterwards she made him breakfast. As he ate he noticed a £1 coin under his coffee cup. The man asks ""This has been great and all but what is the £1 coin for?"" The woman replied ""Well last night when I told my husband about this being your last day I asked him what I should give you. He said screw him, give him a pound. But the breakfast was my idea."" source: http://www.thedirtyjoke.com/blondejokes/mailmanjoke.html"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q .What do you call a policewoman who shaves her fanny? A. C*nt stubble

[Willtell]

"A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying ""I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting as surely 150% is impossible?"" The instructor said, ""During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe..."""

[ted fenton]

"I was at a funeral yesterday and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. ""Have some respect for the dead!"" He said. ""Ok,"" I replied. ""Is that all lowercase without spaces?"" Yeah I know it's old but I like it."

[Willtell]

"As the Titanic was sinking some religious leaders were praying. The Jewish rabbi said ""Save the children"" ""Save the children?"". The baptist minister said ""ahh fuck the children"" The catholic priest asks ""do we have time?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life Her follow up 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out in the summer.

[Willtell]

"A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says ""Hey that's pretty cool where did you get that?"" The parrot replies ""Africa there's millions of them."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

The bloke who was badly mauled after gate crashed the Teddy Bears' picnic is in hospital - doctors say he's doing OK but he's not out of the woods yet.