THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again... In response he said, ""I'd prefer it if you called her Heather"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. Why do Ghouls and Demons go to Halloween parties together? A . 'Cos Demons are a Ghouls' best friend *I'll get me cloak*

[ted fenton]

"""Old But Gold"" A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, ""Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"" Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think"

[Queens Fish Bar]

"A little old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank. She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank. The president is curious, so he asks her, ""Where did you get all this money?"" The old lady replies, ""I make bets."" The president then asks, ""Bets? What kind of bets?"" The old woman says, ""Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."" ""Ha!"" laughs the president, ""That's ridiculous -- you can never win that kind of bet!"" The old lady challenges, ""So, would you like to take my bet?"" ""Sure,"" says the president, ""I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"" The little old lady says, ""OK. I'll bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 a.m. as a witness, and we'll see."" The next morning, the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. ""OK,"" she says, ""Time to drop your pants and settle this bet."" The president complies. The little old lady peers closely at his balls and asks if she could feel them. ""Well, OK,"" says the bank president, ""since there's so much money on the line."" Just then, the lawyer starts banging his head against the wall. The president asks the old lady, ""What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"" She replies, ""I bet him $50,000 that at 10 a.m. today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just been given two weeks to live. The wife's gone to her mothers' for a fortnight

[Willtell]

"It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at London zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape house they pass in front of a very large gorilla. The gorilla goes apeshit. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. ""Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"" ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, ""Now, let's see you tell HIM you have a fucking headache."""

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "" So why are you here ? "" The yellow Lab replied, ""I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."" The black Lab said, ""So what's the vet going to do?"" ""Gonna cut my nuts off ""came the reply from the yellow Lab. ""They reckon it'll calm me down."" The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked ""why are you here? "" The Black Lab said, ""I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."" ""So what are they going to do to you?"" the Yellow Lab inquired. ""Looks like I'm losing my nuts too,"" the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, ""Why are you here?"" ""I'm a humper,"" said the Great Dane. ""I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."" The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, ""So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"" The Great Dane said, ""No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"""

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said, ""That will be £1 please, Mr. O'Leary."" Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, ""That's very cheap,"" and handed over his money. ""Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition"", said the barman. ""And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England"". ""That is remarkable value"", Michael comments. ""I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."" O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. ""Ah, you want to sit down?"" said the barman. ""That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."" ""I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"". Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains ""Nobody would fit in that little frame"". ""I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir"". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. ""I see that you have brought your laptop with you"" added the barman. ""And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."" O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, ""This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager"". ""I see you want to use the counter,"" says the barman, ""that will be £2 please."" O'Leary's face was red with rage. ""Do you know who I am?"" ""Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."" ""I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"" ""Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof"". ""I will never use this bar again"". ""OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."""

[ted fenton]

"A man says to his wife, ""Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."" His wife replies, ""You've got a bigger willy than your brother."""

[The Stoat]

"ÔøΩPoor old fool,ÔøΩ I thought to myself as i watched an old man fish in a puddle outside the pub. So I invited the old man inside for a drink. As we sipped our whiskeys, I thought I'd humour the old man and asked, ÔøΩSo how many have you caught today?ÔøΩ The old man replied, ÔøΩYouÔøΩre the eighth.ÔøΩ"

[Willtell]

"Harvey Weinstein and a Priest die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Weinstein gets sent to Heaven and the Preist gets sent to Hell. The Priest explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Priest is called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Weinstein on the way down, and they stop to chat. Priest: Sorry about the mix up. Weinstein: No problem. I'm going where I belong. Priest: Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven. Weinstein: Why's that? Priest: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Weinstein: Ahhh! Sorry Priest but you're a day too late..."

[Willtell]

Nice one Ted.

[ted fenton]

"His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. ""May I ask you a question, My Lord?"" ""Go ahead, Carson ,"" said His Lordship. ""I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."" ""What word is that?"" asked His Lordship. ""Aplomb,"" My Lord. ""Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."" ""Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."" ""Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"" ""I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."" ""Also,"" continued the Earl of Grantham, ""do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"" ""I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."" ""While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."" ""I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."" ""That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."" ""Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."" ""The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."""

[riosleftsock]

My disabled girlfriend left me after I stole her wheelchair. But she'll come crawling back.

[Willtell]

Coffee 2:44 Thanks mate - my theme tune....

[Willtell]

"In Switzerland they tell ""dumb"" English Brexiter jokes. Once Swiss was telling dumb English Brexiter jokes to his Swiss boyfriend. Swiss asks him: ""How many English Brexiters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"" The other thinks for a minute, and says ""I don't know, how many?"" Swiss replies ""one"", and they both laugh and laugh and laugh....."

[Coffee]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7O91GDWGPU

[penners28]

cant you 2 take this bollox onto whomail?

[Willtell]

"Swiss was walking down the road with his headphones on when he passes a barber shop. Swiss decides he needs a haircut. So he goes into the barbers and asks for a haircut. The barber said ""If you want a haircut you`ll have to take those headphones off."" Swiss says ""I can't take these off or I`ll die. You'll have to cut around them."" The barber thinks ""what a nutter this Swiss bloke is. How can ear phones keep him alive!"" and so while standing behind him he quickly takes them off. After only 5 seconds Swiss stops breathing and falls off the barbers chair in a snotty heap. The barber picks up the headphones and listens to the message and heard ""Breath in ... breath out ... breath in ... breath out."""

[Willtell]

"You're obviously feeling a bit lonely Swiss... Swiss entered a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms for his next imaginary girlfriend. The pharmacist asks, What size? Swiss replied, I don't know. Well, take this measuring board with holes in it and go to the bathroom, look at the porn and when you get an erection, measure your dick's thickness by seeing which hole is most comfortable fit. After 10 minutes Swiss comes back and tells the pharmacist, ""I have changed my mind I don't need the condoms but how much is this beautiful measuring board""?"

[Swiss.]

"Willtell ius frantically looking through his joke book to c&p and find and replace ""A man"" with ""Swiss"". If he knows how to use it . Which is doubtful so this could take some time."

[Swiss.]

"An old man hobbles into a book shop. ""Excuse me""ù he says whilst drooling to the man behind the counter ""Can you sell me a book of the oldest jokes known to man?""ù The man behind the counter replies ""Willtell, Not you again. I sold that book to you over ten years ago and you still come in here every day asking for it. You really are a senile old fool aren't you?""ù Willtell replies ""Yes I suppose I am""¶hehe""ù .Chuckling to himself"

[Far East Hammer]

"In hindsight i should of put my Facebook status as ""Blew the gasket on on my Ford"" Rather than ""I just fucked a 15 year old escort "" Police have confiscated my laptop ,and the Mrs has gone back to her mothers."

[ted fenton]

"My boss phoned me today. He said, ""Is everything okay at the office?"" I said, ""Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."" ""Can you do me a favour?"" he asked. I said, ""Of course, what is it?"" He said, ""Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."""