THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[claret upstart]

Had a knock on the door last night and when I opened it there was a group of lads there. They sang some songs and then elbowed me in the face. Turned out they were Andy Carollers.

[Helmut Shown]

Why would you not want to celebrate Shrove Tuesday with any member of the current West Ham team? They're all useless tossers

[The Stoat]

"A bloke walked into Waterstones and asked the assitant ""Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"" The girl said, ""I don't think it's in yet"" He said, ""Yeah, that's the one.ÔøΩ"

[The Stoat]

Have you ever noticed how a lot of F1 drivers share their names with Scottish places? Stirling Moss Eddie Irvine Lewis Hamilton Ayr Town Centre.

[Rio or Anton or Les]

"Nothing on the ""Joke thread"" for a while?? Watch this space tomorrow morning, apparently there will be a joke."

[ted fenton]

"I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered: ""I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday,"" I said. ""You fly from Essex tomorrow, don't you?"" She said, ""Stansted."" ""Blimey,"" I thought, ""he seemed absolutely fine last week."" RIP Stan."

[ian.d.canio]

"West Ham vs Liverpool K.O. moved to 5.30pm The Prem initially offered them an option of 4.00pm Sunday 5th but this was rejected by LFC as they said that due to the Sunday services on West of England Trains to Lime Street, this would not allow the Loyal Travelling Red supporters time to get home and ready/fresh for ""work""ù on Monday Morning. This was wholly rejected as a defence by the Prem as blatantly false. It was only accepted when LFC retracted the statement and amended it to read ""Time to get home and ready/fresh to ""Sign On""ù on Monday Morning."

[ian.d.canio]

"West Ham vs Liverpool K.O. moved to 5.30pm Following an impassioned plea from The Spirt of Shankly Supporters association and LFC to the F.A./Premier League that the match should be rescheduled to 5.30pm to allow the loyal Reds travelling fans to be able to absorb the 2012 legacy that is the Olympic Park, its cultural benefits, the Arcelor Mittal Orbit, Parks, waterways, Caf√©'s and the fantastic work that the LDDC have achieved. In addition, extoll their Quirky Charm, Cheeky Liverpudlian Humour and ""joie de vie""ù to cheer up the Hard Working, Financially burdened, Cynical, Dour Cockney's Basically translates: The lads will have an extra couple of hour to: A)

[ted fenton]

"""Hello The Savoy Hotel, reception speaking"" ""I'd like to report a wine stain in my room"" ""Relax, the police are on their way madam"" ""I said wine stain"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Jewish Kamikaze pilot- crashed his plane in his brothers' scrapyard

[kirok1]

Side effect - all too true. Though the lovely concrete block going up at the top of Station Road is no joke.

[side effect]

Crossrail Harold Wood. They have built a whole new housingl estate opposite whilst in the space of thembarrassment last year and half still not completed a new ticket office.

[claret on my shirt]

"So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar. He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. ÔøΩHow many people here make love once a day?ÔøΩ Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. ÔøΩOnce a week?ÔøΩ A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. ""How many of you make love once a month?ÔøΩ A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted. Then he asks, ÔøΩOK, how about once a year?ÔøΩ To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling. The therapist is shockedÔøΩthis man's reaction completely disproves his theory! ÔøΩIf you make love only once a year,ÔøΩ he asks, ÔøΩwhy are you so happy?ÔøΩ The man yells, ÔøΩTodayÔøΩs the day!"

[joyo]

"I'm looking to buy /rent place in north London, nothing flash anyone help? Just a two up and three down. Cheers"

[ted fenton]

"SAYING THE RIGHT THING. Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night? ''Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son,'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies,'Oh THAT...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!' Broken coffee Table £239.99 Hot breakfast £4.20 Two aspirins 38p Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS"

[Willtell]

"Swiss had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So Swiss stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. Swiss figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his Belgium home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and once again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right onto the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Swiss was awakened the next morning by his boyfriend standing over him, shouting, ""SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, ""What makes you say that?"" ""The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."""

[ted fenton]

"Thomas The Tank Engine - HILARIOUS! A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."

[ted fenton]

"My ugly neighbour just walked past as I was trying to put out the fire I'd accidentally started in my wheelie bin... She said, ""Bonfire night isn't for another two weeks."" ""Neither is Halloween,"" I replied."

[Willtell]

Not at all ray. Swiss makes insults out of the blue on another thread so I take the piss out of the cսnt. They're still jokes on the joke thread and I like to amuse my fellow WHOers...

[ray winstone]

Obsessed....

[Willtell]

"A farmer saw our old mate Swiss scooping water into his mouth from a stream. ""I wouldn't drink that as my cows piss and shit in it all the time."" ""Could you speak slowly? I'm actually from Pakistan and live in Switzerland so don't speak English very well"", said Swiss. ""I said,you'd do better if you used both hands to scoop up the water"", replied the farmer."

[Willtell]

"Swiss wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary ""tools"" together, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly- from the sky - a voice boomed, ""THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"" Startled, Swiss moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from a Thermos, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens the voice bellowed, ""THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"" Swiss, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up his stool, and tried again to cut the hole in the ice. The voice came once more. ""I'VE TOLD YOU THAT THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"" Swiss stopped, looked skyward and said, ""Is that you Lord?"" the voice replied, ""NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK YOU FUCKING IDIOT."""

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Three Canadian surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, ""I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England. The second surgeon said. ""That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics. The third surgeon said, ""You guys are amateurs""ù.. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the Horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now he's President of the U.S.A!"""

[Willtell]

"A scruffy old man walks into a bank and says to Swiss who was the teller at the window, ""I want to open a fucking current account."" Astonished Swiss replies, ""I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"" ""Listen up, fuck wit. I said I want to open a fucking current account now!"" ""I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."" Swiss leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of his situation with a foul-mouthed client. The manager agrees that Swiss does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, ""Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"" ""There is no fucking problem,"" the man says. ""I just won £50 million in the fucking lottery and I want to open a fucking current account in this fucking bank, okay?"" ""I see,"" says the manager, ""and this fucking idiot Swiss is giving you a hard time is he?"""

[Willtell]

"A teacher asks her class, ""If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ""None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"" The teacher replies, ""The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."" Then, Little Johnny says ""I have a question for YOU miss. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? ""The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied ""Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"" To which LittleJohnny replied, ""The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring, but I like your thinking."""