THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[cheeses cruyf]

"Just heard that doctors have found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse"

[ted fenton]

"Jamie Oliver came into my garden centre today. ""Thugs have destroyed my lettuces,"" he said. ""That's disgusting. Have you called the police?"" I asked. ""No, I was just thinking of putting thum thug pellets down."""

[cheeses cruyf]

"They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen"

[Willtell]

Excellent!

[Mirkwood]

"One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her suggestively. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself when the man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. ""Why are you stopping darling?"" she whispered. He whispered back, ""I found the remote!"""

[claret upstart]

Had a knock on the door last night and when I opened it there was a group of lads there. They sang some songs and then elbowed me in the face. Turned out they were Andy Carollers.

[Helmut Shown]

Why would you not want to celebrate Shrove Tuesday with any member of the current West Ham team? They're all useless tossers

[The Stoat]

"A bloke walked into Waterstones and asked the assitant ""Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"" The girl said, ""I don't think it's in yet"" He said, ""Yeah, that's the one.ÔøΩ"

[The Stoat]

Have you ever noticed how a lot of F1 drivers share their names with Scottish places? Stirling Moss Eddie Irvine Lewis Hamilton Ayr Town Centre.

[Rio or Anton or Les]

"Nothing on the ""Joke thread"" for a while?? Watch this space tomorrow morning, apparently there will be a joke."

[ted fenton]

"I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered: ""I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday,"" I said. ""You fly from Essex tomorrow, don't you?"" She said, ""Stansted."" ""Blimey,"" I thought, ""he seemed absolutely fine last week."" RIP Stan."

[ian.d.canio]

"West Ham vs Liverpool K.O. moved to 5.30pm The Prem initially offered them an option of 4.00pm Sunday 5th but this was rejected by LFC as they said that due to the Sunday services on West of England Trains to Lime Street, this would not allow the Loyal Travelling Red supporters time to get home and ready/fresh for ""work""ù on Monday Morning. This was wholly rejected as a defence by the Prem as blatantly false. It was only accepted when LFC retracted the statement and amended it to read ""Time to get home and ready/fresh to ""Sign On""ù on Monday Morning."

[ian.d.canio]

"West Ham vs Liverpool K.O. moved to 5.30pm Following an impassioned plea from The Spirt of Shankly Supporters association and LFC to the F.A./Premier League that the match should be rescheduled to 5.30pm to allow the loyal Reds travelling fans to be able to absorb the 2012 legacy that is the Olympic Park, its cultural benefits, the Arcelor Mittal Orbit, Parks, waterways, Caf√©'s and the fantastic work that the LDDC have achieved. In addition, extoll their Quirky Charm, Cheeky Liverpudlian Humour and ""joie de vie""ù to cheer up the Hard Working, Financially burdened, Cynical, Dour Cockney's Basically translates: The lads will have an extra couple of hour to: A)

[ted fenton]

"""Hello The Savoy Hotel, reception speaking"" ""I'd like to report a wine stain in my room"" ""Relax, the police are on their way madam"" ""I said wine stain"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Jewish Kamikaze pilot- crashed his plane in his brothers' scrapyard

[kirok1]

Side effect - all too true. Though the lovely concrete block going up at the top of Station Road is no joke.

[side effect]

Crossrail Harold Wood. They have built a whole new housingl estate opposite whilst in the space of thembarrassment last year and half still not completed a new ticket office.

[claret on my shirt]

"So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar. He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. ÔøΩHow many people here make love once a day?ÔøΩ Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. ÔøΩOnce a week?ÔøΩ A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. ""How many of you make love once a month?ÔøΩ A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted. Then he asks, ÔøΩOK, how about once a year?ÔøΩ To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling. The therapist is shockedÔøΩthis man's reaction completely disproves his theory! ÔøΩIf you make love only once a year,ÔøΩ he asks, ÔøΩwhy are you so happy?ÔøΩ The man yells, ÔøΩTodayÔøΩs the day!"

[joyo]

"I'm looking to buy /rent place in north London, nothing flash anyone help? Just a two up and three down. Cheers"

[ted fenton]

"SAYING THE RIGHT THING. Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night? ''Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son,'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies,'Oh THAT...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!' Broken coffee Table £239.99 Hot breakfast £4.20 Two aspirins 38p Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS"

[Willtell]

"Swiss had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So Swiss stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. Swiss figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his Belgium home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and once again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right onto the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Swiss was awakened the next morning by his boyfriend standing over him, shouting, ""SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, ""What makes you say that?"" ""The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."""

[ted fenton]

"Thomas The Tank Engine - HILARIOUS! A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."

[ted fenton]

"My ugly neighbour just walked past as I was trying to put out the fire I'd accidentally started in my wheelie bin... She said, ""Bonfire night isn't for another two weeks."" ""Neither is Halloween,"" I replied."

[Willtell]

Not at all ray. Swiss makes insults out of the blue on another thread so I take the piss out of the cսnt. They're still jokes on the joke thread and I like to amuse my fellow WHOers...

[ray winstone]

Obsessed....