THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of £10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. (That was the reason he got the job in the first place....it was assumed that Guido would never hear anything and would therefore never have to testify in Court). When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing £10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ""Ask him where my money is!"" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, �Where's the money ? Guido signs back, ""I don't know what you are talking about."" The lawyer tells the Godfather, ""He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, ""Ask him again or I'll kill him!"" The lawyer signs to Guido, ""He'll kill you if you don't tell him where the money is."" Guido trembles and signs back, ""OK, OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house, 23448 Valley Road. But he's away on vacation currently."" The Godfather asks the lawyer, ""What did he say?"" After a brief pause, the lawyer replies, ""He says that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger, you fat fuck"""

[Pee Wee]

"What's the difference between Judo and Karate? One's a martial art, the other is used in bagels"

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit-a-lot

[Pee Wee]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face

[brabrook]

"Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, ""How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. ""Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"" ""I don't have any,"" he replied gruffly. ""Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"" ""Ninety-eight,"" he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. ""Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply ""ì ""I outlived the bastards."""

[lab]

Luckily anyone who had to leave a dog in the car at this car park blaze were asked to park on the top floor where the fire didn't reach. Mind you if they were beagles I imagine they're use to smoke inhalation.

[ted fenton]

I wonder how many calls 'We buy any car dot com' have had from the Liverpool area today...

[The Stoat]

"CAN ADMIN OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED ON HERE PLEASE? WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON."

[joyo]

That London zoo fire is an insurance job........simples

[ozeki]

Late Christmas Deal Bargain. 50% off Meerkat Steaks at London Zoo

[Willtell]

Reply ray winstone 6:38 Thu Dec 21 Unusual for you to admit to being a wanker mate...

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"New married couple Liz and Jerry are on the first night of their honeymoon, Jerry isn't sure how to tell his wife about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while Liz is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she's been able to cover up. After some soul-searching,Jerry gathers his nerve and says, ""I have a confession.""ù Liz comes closer, looks into his eyes, and says, ""Darling, so do I.""ù Recoiling,Jerry says, ""Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.""ù"

[Swiss.]

very topical Ray

[ray winstone]

Good job it's the shortest day of the year; I'm more tired than Damien Green's right hand....

[Swiss.]

Aalborg. LOL The winner again.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk ""Do you have any grapes?"" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks ""Do you have any grapes?"" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks ""Do you have any grapes?"" The clerk screams at the duck ""You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every **** time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your **** webbed feet to the floor!!"" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked ""Do you have any nails?"" The clerk replied ""No"" and the duck said ""Good! Got any grapes?"""

[JMB]

"A young Arab boy asks his father ""What is that strange hat The father said: ""Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun. ""And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?""ù asked the boy. ""Oh, my son!""ù exclaimed the father ""It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing, my djbellah protects the entire body,""ù The son then asked: ""But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?""ù ""These are 'babouches' my son,""ù the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.""ù ""So tell me then,"" added the boy. ""Yes, my son."" ""Why are we living in Manchester and still wearing all this crap?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? Both get to smell it,neither get to eat it"

[Willtell]

"Three nurses are working late at a hospital and notice a handsome dead guy in his hospital bed. The one thing they notice is that he has a huge erection locked in place even though he was dead. The red head nurse says ""Oh I can't let that go to waste..."" so she hitches her dress up and rides him to satisfaction. The brunette nurse says the same thing ""I can't let that go to waste either and who would know?"" so she also hitches her dress up and rides him to orgasm. The blond nurse is having second thoughts due to her having her period, but after looking at him she says ""Sod it!"" and hitches her dress up and also rides him. Just as she finishes herself off the man stirs and gets off the bed and all three nurses screamed in fright ""We thought you were dead!"" He replies ""Thanks for that. I had died and was going to heaven but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I suddenly feel great!"""

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

"met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."

[Briano]

"A Brummie goes into a menswear shop, he tries his suit on and agrees to take it. As the shop assistant is wrapping it up he says 'would you like a Kipper Tie with that sir' 'Ooh yes please, milk and two sugars'"

[Willtell]

Actually Swiss it was funny when I first heard it and then told it on here years ago....

[Swiss.]

Now Willtell that's a funny joke. Although the Rodeo joke mad me slightly chuckle. Did you lose the Bob Monkhouse joke book? You silly old fool.

[Swiss.]

"Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman compare pubs ""As good as this bar is,"" said the Scotsman, ""I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."" ""Well, Angus,"" said the Englishman, ""At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."" ""Ahhh, dat's nothin',"" said the Irishman, ""back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, ""C'mon. Did this actually happen to you?"" ""Not to meself, personally, no,"" admitted the Irishman, ""but it did happen to me sister quite a few times""."

[Willtell]

"Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.. One says ""I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."" I don't think I have ever heard of that one:, says the other cowboy, ""what is it""?"" ""Well, its where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, ""Boy, these feel just like your sister's - then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."""