THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[boleyn8420]

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye

[The Cult Of Bob]

"I tried to force feed my child... After a while my wife said ""Just use a fucking spoon, you're not a Jedi""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He's Espanyol

[ray winstone]

My mate asked me to pass him some lip balm but I gave him some superglue instead. He's still not talking to me.....

[ray winstone]

"The Bayeux Tapestry will spend 6 months in Wales during its loan to the UK from France. A spokesman for the National Museum of Wales said ""We haven't decided yet where we're going to display it. It'll either be Bayeux, or by there.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. ""Twenty quid"" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before ,but he decides ""What the heck,it's only twenty quid"" So they hide in the bushes.They're going ""at it"" for a couple of minutes when ,all of a sudden,a light flashes on them and it's a Garda . ""What's going on here,people?"" asks the police officer ""Paddy says ""I'm making love to my wife"" ""Oh,I'm sorry,i didn't realise"" says the policeman ""Well"" says Paddy ""Neither did I until you shined that torch in her face"""

[The Stoat]

I made a curry last night and put ginger in it. My other half went ballistic. She loved that cat......

[Aalborg Hammer]

I applied for a job at Citroen.I had to send in 2 CV's

[ted fenton]

"Just back from the Hospital. They reckon I might have Pneumonoultrmicroscopicsilicovolcanconosis, But it's hard to say"

[Mirkwood]

"Karen Carpenter sang ""Why do birds suddenly appear"" Is it because you threw your dinner out the window Karen?"

[Willtell]

Excellent Ted!

[ted fenton]

"THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada . Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and the USA ; ruled by a pair of nuts."

[joyo]

That's a cracker coffee

[Coffee]

Someone's having a late Christmas lunch.

[The Libertine]

Q# What did the idiot call his Zebra? A# Spot

[arsene york-hunt]

"Undertaker says to widow: ""He died with a hard on and we can't get the lid on the coffin. Widow says: Cut it off and shove it up his arse."" Undertaker carries out her instruction and the body lies there with a pained expression on his face. Widow leans over him and says: ""Fucking hurts, doesn't it!"""

[ted fenton]

"Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: ""You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: ""Then you used to kiss me... Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: ""Then you used to bite my Neck..."" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. ""Where are you going?"" Barb asked.. ""To get my teeth!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Bloody Amazon I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

[Coffee]

Hello Mrs. Jones 2:01 Mon Jan 8 Brilliant!

[Hermit Road]

It was so cold today I saw a socialist with his hands in his own pockets.

[claret on my shirt]

Mad Dog 10:48 Mon Jan 8 my son sent it to me after seeing on FB

[Mad Dog]

"Even if it's stolen off of the tv show ""how I met your mother"""

[Willtell]

Excellent find claret...

[claret on my shirt]

The Universal Hot vs Crazy Matrix - a Man's Guide to Women https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwbKYcBdVyk

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRD3z9WaLRg