THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[claret on my shirt]

"It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for ÔøΩ50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a ÔøΩ5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. ""All this was just too wonderful for words,"" he said, ""but what's the five quid for?"" ""Well,"" said the dumb blonde, ""last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. ""He said, f*** him. Give him a fiver.' "" She smiled shyly and said, ""The breakfast was my idea!"""

[claret on my shirt]

"It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for ÔøΩ50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a ÔøΩ5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. ""All this was just too wonderful for words,"" he said, ""but what's the five quid for?"" ""Well,"" said the dumb blonde, ""last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. ""He said, f*** him. Give him a fiver.' "" She smiled shyly and said, ""The breakfast was my idea!"""

[brabrook]

"In these snowbound difficult times I popped next door to see if 83 year-old Vera needed anything from the shop. She said she did, so I gave her my list. No point in both of us going out in this weather."

[claret50]

"One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, feeling rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'"

[Swiss.]

haha Alborg always the man.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It's been reported on Sky News that it's so cold in Liverpool,Scousers have been spotted with their hands in their own pockets"

[longford]

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

[boleyn8420]

I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.

[Mirkwood]

Cheered me up...lol

[WSM Hammer]

I bought the Mrs a cutlery set for her birthday - there was no knives or spoons in it but it's the fork that counts.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This fella is standing in town and an elephant comes down the road on a motorbike.He gets off,takes a rock out of his bag and throws it through the jewellers' window. In seconds,he's cleaned the window out of watches and jewellery,got back on the bike and ridden off. The man is giving a statement to the police and the copper said ""Can give me a description of the elephant??"" ""Well,you know,grey,tusks and a trunk"" ""Was it an African or an Indian elephant?"" ""What's the difference??"" ""An Indian elephant has small ears and an African elephant large ears"" ""How would I know that? he was wearing a balaclava"""

[arsene york-hunt]

How would Shaku Kanneh Mason repair his broken instrument? With Cellotape

[chim chim cha boo]

Here's another from last night. What do you call a hen looking at some lettuce? Chicken Caesar Salad.

[chim chim cha boo]

I went to see Simon Day (Brian Pern/ Tommy Cockles/ Billy Bleach) last night and heard some crackers. 'I went to the fertility clinic and the doctor said 'I want you to wank in the cup please?' I said 'well I'm pretty good but not sure I'm up to international standard'.

[WSM Hammer]

"Player - Position - Annual Salary - Weekly Wage Javier Hernandez - F - £7,280,000 - £140,000 Joe Hart - GK - £6,032,000 - £116,000 Marko Arnautovic - M - £5,200,000 - £100,000 Andy Carroll - F - £4,680,000 - £90,000 Jose Fonte - D - £3,900,000 - £75,000 Pablo Zabaleta - D - £3,900,000 - £75,000 Michail Antonio - M - £3,640,000 - £70,000 Manuel Lanzini - M - £3,640,000 - £70,000 Angelo Ogbonna - D - £3,640,000 - £70,000 Winston Reid - D - £3,640,000 - £70,000 Cheikhou Kouyate - M - £3,120,000 - £60,000 Pedro Obiang - M - £2,860,000 - £55,000 Aaron Cresswell - D - £2,600,000 £50,000 Mark Noble - M - £2,600,000 - £50,000 Adrian - GK - £2,600,000 - £50,000 Arthur Masuaku - D - £2,080,000 - £40,000 James Collins - D - £1,820,000 - £35,000 Sam Byram - D £1,560,000 - £30,000 Edimilson Fernandes - M - £1,560,000 - £30,000 Josh Cullen - M - £416,000 - £8,000 Domingos Quina - M - £416,000 - £8,000 Sead Haksabanovic - M - £260,000 - £5,000 Declan Rice - M - £52,000 - £1,000"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road. The horse walked over to eat the corn. Before he got to the corn he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud. So he tells the chicken, ""Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.""ù When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can't find anybody to help him get the horse out of the mud. However, he notices that there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in the ignition. The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road, ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to the horse. In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud. The two proceed down the road again. And again they see some more corn on the side of the road. This time the chicken crosses over the ditch to get the corn. And as luck would have it, the chicken gets stuck in the mud. The chicken tells the horse, ""Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull me out of this mud.""ù The horse surveys the problem and says, ""I think I can straddle this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my dick and I'll pull you out of the mud.""ù The horse does as he say sand the chicken is pulled out of the mud. So what is the moral of this story? > > When you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Sat here watching the winter Olympics... So far I've learnt, David Beckham isn't the only person who has gone down on a skeleton."

[Helmut Shown]

"Two young boys talking to each other, one says: ""what's your biggest ambition?"" The other replies: "" I want a cock as big as my brothers so I can hold it with four fingers when I piss. ""Well that's not much of an ambition"" replies the other"" I can hold my cock with four fingers when I piss"" ""Yes"" exclaims the other one ""but you piss on the last two fingers"""

[claret on my shirt]

"After Pards said Gareth Barry and Johnny Evans will never play for the club again after stealing a taxi outside of a fast food restaurant in Barcelona earlier in the week, 8 other West Brom players have admitted to being in the back of the taxi!"

[riosleftsock]

"Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter and Brendon Cox walk into a bar in Ireland. The landlord says ""not yewtree again""."

[The Stoat]

IÔøΩve been trying to get my girlfriend to stimulate me sexually with her keyring but she keeps fobbing me off.

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"Bloke goes into a florists and says he wants a big Valentines bouquet for his wife. Florist says, are you looking for anything in particular? Bloke says, well ideally a blow job."

[jfk]

"Robbie Williams, Kylie and Elton are walking in London when Kylie stumbles and gets her head wedged between railings. Quick as a flash Robbie pulls up her skirt, knickers down and start shagging her. Robbie says to Elton- your go next. Then Elton starts crying. What's up asks Robbie. Elton says ""my head won't fit between the railings!"

[Queens Fish Bar]

Roses are red Violets are twisted Bend over now You're about to get fisted.

[Mad Dog]

"Wife just said that 3 of the girls had bouquets of flowers delivered to their office. ""They're gorgeous"" she said. ""That's probably why they got flowers then"" I replied"