THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[whoareya]

"West Ham was offered, 40mii sponsor but declined the offer as Winalot did not seem appropriate."

[Cor Blimey]

Stephen Hawking has died. Have they tried switching him off then on again?

[Far East Hammer]

Police investigating a 50p coin thrown at the directors at a recent West Ham game have discovered it was in fact a takeover bid.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Charles Dickens' ""A Tale of Two Cities"" was originally serialised in two local newspapers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times."

[Iron Filings]

"The Liverpool Arts Council are pleased to announce they have received funding for an exciting new film project. Starring Ken Dodd and Jamie Carragher, the remake of I Spit on Your Grave will be released in the Autumn"

[jack flash]

"Bloke comes home to see his girlfriend having been working away They haven't had sex for months, so they rip each others clothes off & dive straight on to the bed He's only just started thrusting away when he's aware of her arching her back, her toes curling up with each thrust & she's squealing away He thinks to himself, ""Wow she's really enjoying this!"" Then he notices tears streaming down her face She suddenly screams ""Stop!"" ""What's wrong honey?"" he asks ""I thought you were enjoying it"" She says ""Yes but give me a chance to take my tights off!"""

[Willtell]

ted fenton 2:07 Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Joe C]

"Chris Eubank has published a book on ethics. If it's successful, his next one will be on Kent"

[Mad Dog]

Statistically 4/5 of participants like gang rape

[mtchammer]

"It's sad news about the NME closing... I used to keep mine in a pile near my bed, just in front of my US sitcom DVDs... I'd keep my Friends close, and my NMEs closer!"

[ted fenton]

"Does anyone know how to fix a sat-nav?... ...Mine is broken, it keeps telling me Tottenham's in europe."

[ray winstone]

"Two Scouser's go to Amsterdam on holiday. They go to a brothel and ask if they have got a fat ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin habit and a minge like a vandalised bus seat. The Madam says, ""You boys are kinky."" They reply, ""No not really, we're just looking for our Mum!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Life is all about perspective.The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

[claret on my shirt]

"It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for ÔøΩ50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a ÔøΩ5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. ""All this was just too wonderful for words,"" he said, ""but what's the five quid for?"" ""Well,"" said the dumb blonde, ""last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. ""He said, f*** him. Give him a fiver.' "" She smiled shyly and said, ""The breakfast was my idea!"""

[claret on my shirt]

"It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for ÔøΩ50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a ÔøΩ5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. ""All this was just too wonderful for words,"" he said, ""but what's the five quid for?"" ""Well,"" said the dumb blonde, ""last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. ""He said, f*** him. Give him a fiver.' "" She smiled shyly and said, ""The breakfast was my idea!"""

[brabrook]

"In these snowbound difficult times I popped next door to see if 83 year-old Vera needed anything from the shop. She said she did, so I gave her my list. No point in both of us going out in this weather."

[claret50]

"One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, feeling rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'"

[Swiss.]

haha Alborg always the man.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It's been reported on Sky News that it's so cold in Liverpool,Scousers have been spotted with their hands in their own pockets"

[longford]

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

[boleyn8420]

I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.

[Mirkwood]

Cheered me up...lol

[WSM Hammer]

I bought the Mrs a cutlery set for her birthday - there was no knives or spoons in it but it's the fork that counts.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This fella is standing in town and an elephant comes down the road on a motorbike.He gets off,takes a rock out of his bag and throws it through the jewellers' window. In seconds,he's cleaned the window out of watches and jewellery,got back on the bike and ridden off. The man is giving a statement to the police and the copper said ""Can give me a description of the elephant??"" ""Well,you know,grey,tusks and a trunk"" ""Was it an African or an Indian elephant?"" ""What's the difference??"" ""An Indian elephant has small ears and an African elephant large ears"" ""How would I know that? he was wearing a balaclava"""

[arsene york-hunt]

How would Shaku Kanneh Mason repair his broken instrument? With Cellotape