THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Haz]

"This burglar has broken into this house in the middle of the night and is going through the drawers to see if there's anything interesting. He pockets a Rolex, a wallet and some expensive jewellery. Just as he moves on to the desk, he hears this voice saying, ""Jesus is watching you,"" He looks but can't see anything so steals the wallet that he finds in the desk. ""Jesus is watching you,"" he hears again. He looks up and there, in the corner of the room is this parrot. ""Is that you saying those things?"" he asks the parrot. ""Yep,"" says the parrot, ""That's me! My name is Moses"" The burglar says to the parrot, ""What sort of cսnt calls their parrot Moses?"" ""The same sort of cսnt that calls their Rottweiler Jesus,"" the parrot replies."

[Trevor B]

What happened to the four days to clear rule?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old fella in his 70's goes into an expensive jewellers in Bond Street with a gorgeous leggy blonde in a low cut dress. He says to the salesman that he was going to spend a lot of money but it would be on the understanding that he'd pay by cheque and pick up the goods on the Monday after the cheque had cleared The blonde selects a £10,000 diamond necklace,a £4,000 bracelet and a pair of earrings at £7,000 On the Monday ,the old man gets a phone call from an irate jeweller saying the cheque had bounced. He says ""I know,but I've had a cracking weekend!!"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

63 immigrants died in Bradford this morning. It wasn't a terrorist incident - a bunk bed collapsed. Police suspect Al Ikea.

[devonhammer]

If you work security in a Samsung shop..... Does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy??

[mtchammer]

Patisserie Valerie's finance chief has just been arrested after police discovered unusual turnover.

[The Stoat]

"Walking past the shops the other day I was approached by several youths who demanded I got them a packet of Richmond, they gave me the cash and after returning from the shop they became aggressive and abusive, I thought to myself how inconsiderate of them and next time they can get their own fucking sausages"

[Swiss.]

Aalborg Respect. Always the best.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man brings his best golf mate home early evening, unannounced, for dinner, after enjoying a day of golf and a couple of beers in the 19th. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed, listening to the tirade. ""My hair and makeup are not done, the house is an f**ing mess, and the dishes aren't done. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get much sleep last night.  Can't you see I'm still in my f**king pyjamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f**k did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?"" The husband says ""Because he's thinking of getting married''"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"""Do you have that new book on Cunnilingus for beginners?"" Librarian : ""Sorry love, I'm new here and I don't know where anything is"" ""Yeah, that's the one"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've been subscribing to Orthopaedics Monthly for 15 years now. I've got lots of back issues.

[claret on my shirt]

In the last 30 years the Spuds have had more stadiums than trophies!

[Dave Boozle]

"Bert and Mavis were getting married at the grand old ages of 85 and 83. Before the wedding they visited the local chemist. ""Do you sell heart medication?""ù asked Bert ""Of course""ù replied the chemist ""What about pills for arthritis and lumbago?""ù asked Mavis ""Certainly""ù replied the chemist ""How about corn plasters, surgical stockings and back rests?""ù enquired Bert ""Yes, we've got all those""ù the chemist said ""ùDo you have wheelchairs and zimmer frames?""ù asked Mavis """"Yes, we have them in the back room""ù replied the chemist That's great""ù said Bert, ""there's just one more question""ù ""What's that?""ù asked the chemist wondering what else they could require. ""Can we have our wedding list here""ù"

[Mad Dog]

Jose mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard from again. The McCanns have offered to help

[The Stoat]

"At a Glasgow Pub Quiz the final question to win a grand is: Take That's first album had a four word title, the first two words were ""Take That"" what were the second two? After a lengthy silence a wee Glaswegian fella stands up and shouts ... ""was it Ya Bastard?"""

[The Stoat]

A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He's due to be bailed tomorrow

[Aalborg Hammer]

I have been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure the sunburn but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

[The Stoat]

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse his wife his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak My son Seamus I want you to take the houses in Cultra My daughter Geraldine you take the apartments over in Malone Road My son Patrick Junior I want you to take the offices in the City centre Bridget my dear wife please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away the nurse says to his wife Mrs. O'Shaughnessy my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property. Property? his wife replies The fucker had a window cleaning round

[Aalborg Hammer]

I went to see a house yesterday with period features - she hates me calling her that.

[neco]

I asked the wife if she wanted me to pick up fish & chips on my way home from work. I think she regrets allowing me to name our kids! When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse.

[joyo]

"Swiss why don't you buy yourself a sense of humour,you sad little snowflake"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A kid comes home from school and his grandad says ""What did you do today,Lad?"" ""I got a part in the school play.I'm playing a man who's been married for 29 years"" ""Never mind,boy...you'll get a talking part next time"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

Yeah! How can you suggest that there's something a Pakistani doesn't know???

[Swiss.]

Ted You racist cսnt.

[ted fenton]

"""What have you done to your leg?"" Asked my Pakistani neighbour as I limped down my garden path. ""I tripped and fell on my son's fidget spinner in the bath."" I told him. ""I'm not sure what one of those is.."" he replied. ""It's a big white tub that us English wash ourselves in."" I explained."