THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've been subscribing to Orthopaedics Monthly for 15 years now. I've got lots of back issues.

[claret on my shirt]

In the last 30 years the Spuds have had more stadiums than trophies!

[Dave Boozle]

"Bert and Mavis were getting married at the grand old ages of 85 and 83. Before the wedding they visited the local chemist. ""Do you sell heart medication?""ù asked Bert ""Of course""ù replied the chemist ""What about pills for arthritis and lumbago?""ù asked Mavis ""Certainly""ù replied the chemist ""How about corn plasters, surgical stockings and back rests?""ù enquired Bert ""Yes, we've got all those""ù the chemist said ""ùDo you have wheelchairs and zimmer frames?""ù asked Mavis """"Yes, we have them in the back room""ù replied the chemist That's great""ù said Bert, ""there's just one more question""ù ""What's that?""ù asked the chemist wondering what else they could require. ""Can we have our wedding list here""ù"

[Mad Dog]

Jose mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard from again. The McCanns have offered to help

[The Stoat]

"At a Glasgow Pub Quiz the final question to win a grand is: Take That's first album had a four word title, the first two words were ""Take That"" what were the second two? After a lengthy silence a wee Glaswegian fella stands up and shouts ... ""was it Ya Bastard?"""

[The Stoat]

A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He's due to be bailed tomorrow

[Aalborg Hammer]

I have been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure the sunburn but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

[The Stoat]

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse his wife his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak My son Seamus I want you to take the houses in Cultra My daughter Geraldine you take the apartments over in Malone Road My son Patrick Junior I want you to take the offices in the City centre Bridget my dear wife please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away the nurse says to his wife Mrs. O'Shaughnessy my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property. Property? his wife replies The fucker had a window cleaning round

[Aalborg Hammer]

I went to see a house yesterday with period features - she hates me calling her that.

[neco]

I asked the wife if she wanted me to pick up fish & chips on my way home from work. I think she regrets allowing me to name our kids! When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse.

[joyo]

"Swiss why don't you buy yourself a sense of humour,you sad little snowflake"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A kid comes home from school and his grandad says ""What did you do today,Lad?"" ""I got a part in the school play.I'm playing a man who's been married for 29 years"" ""Never mind,boy...you'll get a talking part next time"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

Yeah! How can you suggest that there's something a Pakistani doesn't know???

[Swiss.]

Ted You racist cսnt.

[ted fenton]

"""What have you done to your leg?"" Asked my Pakistani neighbour as I limped down my garden path. ""I tripped and fell on my son's fidget spinner in the bath."" I told him. ""I'm not sure what one of those is.."" he replied. ""It's a big white tub that us English wash ourselves in."" I explained."

[Far East Hammer]

"A prisoner in Turkey goes to the prison library. He asks the prison librarian for a book. The librarian replies ""Sorry, we don't have that book. However, we do have the author"""

[collyrob]

Autocorrect is a bastard! Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a wank down the river! üôàüôà! I meant the canal!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"During a lull between the course servings at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. Smiling she said, ""I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"" ""Very impressive,"" said Secretary Tillerson, ""but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.""ù ""Oh, I know"", replied Melania, ""but neither does the parrot."""

[Far East Hammer]

I don't need to use Google or Wikipedia. My missus knows everything about everything

[Coffee]

"My Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought Henry was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. My Diary: A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt?"

[Coffee]

"I just said to my wife, ""Right sexy, upstairs now!"" She looked at me and said, ""OOOh, horny bastard."" I said, No seriously, the match is coming on, now fuck off!!!!"""

[boleyn8420]

I've been diagnosed as colour blind. It came totally out of the purple

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Novice nun tells Mother superior she wants to quit, and that she intends to become a prostitute. MS: No! Never! Think of your immortal soul! NN: But I'm not helping anyone here. I've no talent and no education. Jesus said we should love our neighbour. I want to help people and spread happiness. So my only option is to be a prostitute. MS Oh, a prostitute. Thank God. I thought you said Protestant."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Murphy asks Paddy ""What's your pet hate?"" Paddy says ""He doesn't like my finger up his arse"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

(nt)