THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Anders]

Whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex ? One makes your day and the other one makes your whole week.

[Mad Dog]

No. We've had diminishing returns on these threads for years. Especially since sickepedia imploded

[Exiled In Surrey]

Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12 when is part 6 coming out? will that version give an upgrade in content?

[Too Much Too Young]

"Elderly couple in church, the wife turns to husband and says ""I've just done a silent fart, what shall I do? The husband says ""changes the batteries in your hearing aid""."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Pulled a gypsy bird last night""¶she asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time""¶.she wasn't fucking kidding.I went on the Dodgems,the Ghost train,waltzers and came home with a fucking goldfish!!"

[yogib]

What does 40 mph and smells of curry Usain Balti

[Bungo]

William Shatner is going to marry Stevie Nicks. Apprently she will be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.

[Willtell]

Yes but I wasn't stupid enough to name myself CryBabies...

[CryBabies]

Unfunny twat.

[Willtell]

"An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman went into a pub. The Englishman didn't like the pub so they all had to leave..."

[arsene york-hunt]

What do great white sharks use on their prey? All porpoise seasoning

[Mad Dog]

Doing dry January this year. No foreplay for 1 month

[Bungo]

I offended a Jehovah's Witness this morning by going to the door completely naked. The fact that I knew where she lived appeared to scare her the most.

[Willtell]

When I first heard it the woman wore tights that made her toes curl and they probably went out of fashion 20 years ago....

[Noah]

Wasn't funny the first time

[whoareya]

"Bloke goes to a party and overindulges wakes up in a double bed looking around trying to get an idea on where he is the bed quilt moves, and there's a beautiful woman in the bed with him they make eye contact. He has a quick glimpse at her perfect body, and without saying a word she leans over and kisses him on the lips he responds, and they start kissing each passionately the man nuzzles his nose deep into her neck while kissing her tenderly, They end up caressing each others body. The man rolls over on to the top of the woman and spreads the women's legs with his. As he penetrates her while looking into her face, her eyes got larger. With every thrust going further forward into the tunnel of love suddenly he sees a change in her face her forehead frowns, her face starts to distort with every thrust going forward then her bottom lip begins to quiver then her top lip her hands move to clinch the bedsheet. Now her lips are compressed and sealed she suddenly puts both hands around his body the man is ready to explode. With his bulls full and sweat starting to drip from his body when the woman says in his ear; please stop I cannot take it anymore the man leans up with a smile from ear to ear having conquered such a beautiful woman when he notices a tear in her eye. Looking down on her he asks are you ok her response is to pull him down closer to her and whispers in his ear I've still got my G string on you shoved so far up I thought you were going to cut me in half."

[whoareya]

"Bloke goes to a party and overindulges wakes up in a double bed looking around trying to get an idea on where he is the bed quilt moves, and there's a beautiful woman in the bed with him they make eye contact. He has a quick glimpse at her perfect body, and without saying a word she leans over and kisses him on the lips he responds, and they start kissing each passionately the man nuzzles his nose deep into her neck while kissing her tenderly, They end up caressing each others body. The man rolls over on to the top of the woman and spreads the women's legs with his. As he penetrates her while looking into her face, her eyes got larger. With every thrust going further forward into the tunnel of love suddenly he sees a change in her face her forehead frowns, her face starts to distort with every thrust going forward then her bottom lip begins to quiver then her top lip her hands move to clinch the bedsheet. Now her lips are compressed and sealed she suddenly puts both hands around his body the man is ready to explode. With his bulls full and sweat starting to drip from his body when the woman says in his ear; please stop I cannot take it anymore the man leans up with a smile from ear to ear having conquered such a beautiful woman when he notices a tear in her eye. Looking down on he asks are you ok her response is to pull him down closer to her and whispers in his ear I've still got my G string on you shoved so far up I thought you were going to cut me in half."

[ted fenton]

"For fucks sake, sacked on my first day of a new job. Fuck it, I didn't want to be a drone pilot anyway."

[Pee Wee]

When my mum was in labour my head got stuck in her fanny and the widwife had to pull me out. .... That's how excited I was to see my baby brother

[Manip]

I found this Irn Bru advert rather amusing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yZOab5gl-4

[Bungo]

"OK, so Secret Satan isn't even a thing, I know that now. Sorry I cut your brakelines Carol."

[joyo]

"Theresa May has been appointed as the new manager of Manchester United, because the board feel she is the best person to keep them in Europe"

[Westham67]

"May have been done I don't read this A Womxn comes home from work on Christmas eve and her husband is not at home. She calls him, he answers and she says"" Where are you"" he says , do you remember before we were married and we looked in that jewelry shop and that 10k diamond ring was in the window and I said one day I would but it for you ? and getting tearful she replies yes I do remember that shop, so her Husband says good I'm in the pub next door"

[Darlo Debs]

"Just seen this and had to share.. ü§£ü§£ I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ""òNo, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ""òJust a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ""òDo these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ""òWell, come on', she said, ""òWe don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ""òDid you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, ""òI sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.""ù"

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Bloke goes into a Fish and chip shop with a cod under his arm. He asks ""Do you sell fishcakes??"" ""Yes,we do"" says the fryer. ""Oh good"" says the bloke, ""it's his birthday"""