THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It's ""òStars in their Eyes' and Matthew Kelly welcomes a lad called Simon from Lincoln. Simon hobbles onto the stage using crutches and makes his painful way up to stand alongside the compare. ""Simon,you have a very bitter sweet story for us don't you?""ù ""Yes,Matthew""¶.I was in a terrible car crash on my way home from a family wedding this time last year.I was badly injured when we hit Armco at high speed-everyone else in the car was killed. They rushed me to hospital but too late to save my legs.They were amputated and things looked really bleak for me. Luckily,my aunt gave permission for her husbands' legs to be grafted onto my stumps and after 11 months physio and top class treatment,I have the use of his legs and doctors say I'll be playing football again in a years' time""ù "" A story of bravery and endurance, who are you performing as this evening?""ù ""Tonight,Matthew,I'm going to be Simon and Half Uncle""ù"

[neco]

Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

[Mirkwood]

"I was chatting to a bird in a club.She whispered, ""Do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny the size of a Polo.""I said, ""Oh yes.""When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.She said, ""Surprised?""I said, ""Totally, I thought you meant the mint not the fucking hatchback.. !!"

[Mirkwood]

"I discreetly removed the 'Anything Goes' call girl card from inside the phone box, quickly headed back to my hotel and excitedly rang the number. A woman with a soft, silky voice answered, 'Hello Sir.."" ""I'm in room 23 of the Travelodge Hotel"", I said. ""I want a blindfold, nipple clamps, handcuffs, a small paddling pool with loads of custard, baked beans and squirty cream"" ""Sounds great"", she replied. ""but you've come through to reception, Mr Smith . If you press 9 first, you can get an outside line"""

[Mad Dog]

"Two guys were picked up by the police for drugs offences and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, ""You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."" Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, ""How did you do over the weekend?"" ""Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."" ""17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"" ""I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs."" ""That's admirable,"" said the judge. ""And you, how did you do?"" (to the 2nd guy) ""Well, your honuor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs  forever."" ""156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"" ""Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, This is your arse before prison...."""

[Anders]

Whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex ? One makes your day and the other one makes your whole week.

[Mad Dog]

No. We've had diminishing returns on these threads for years. Especially since sickepedia imploded

[Exiled In Surrey]

Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12 when is part 6 coming out? will that version give an upgrade in content?

[Too Much Too Young]

"Elderly couple in church, the wife turns to husband and says ""I've just done a silent fart, what shall I do? The husband says ""changes the batteries in your hearing aid""."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Pulled a gypsy bird last night""¶she asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time""¶.she wasn't fucking kidding.I went on the Dodgems,the Ghost train,waltzers and came home with a fucking goldfish!!"

[yogib]

What does 40 mph and smells of curry Usain Balti

[Bungo]

William Shatner is going to marry Stevie Nicks. Apprently she will be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.

[Willtell]

Yes but I wasn't stupid enough to name myself CryBabies...

[CryBabies]

Unfunny twat.

[Willtell]

"An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman went into a pub. The Englishman didn't like the pub so they all had to leave..."

[arsene york-hunt]

What do great white sharks use on their prey? All porpoise seasoning

[Mad Dog]

Doing dry January this year. No foreplay for 1 month

[Bungo]

I offended a Jehovah's Witness this morning by going to the door completely naked. The fact that I knew where she lived appeared to scare her the most.

[Willtell]

When I first heard it the woman wore tights that made her toes curl and they probably went out of fashion 20 years ago....

[Noah]

Wasn't funny the first time

[whoareya]

"Bloke goes to a party and overindulges wakes up in a double bed looking around trying to get an idea on where he is the bed quilt moves, and there's a beautiful woman in the bed with him they make eye contact. He has a quick glimpse at her perfect body, and without saying a word she leans over and kisses him on the lips he responds, and they start kissing each passionately the man nuzzles his nose deep into her neck while kissing her tenderly, They end up caressing each others body. The man rolls over on to the top of the woman and spreads the women's legs with his. As he penetrates her while looking into her face, her eyes got larger. With every thrust going further forward into the tunnel of love suddenly he sees a change in her face her forehead frowns, her face starts to distort with every thrust going forward then her bottom lip begins to quiver then her top lip her hands move to clinch the bedsheet. Now her lips are compressed and sealed she suddenly puts both hands around his body the man is ready to explode. With his bulls full and sweat starting to drip from his body when the woman says in his ear; please stop I cannot take it anymore the man leans up with a smile from ear to ear having conquered such a beautiful woman when he notices a tear in her eye. Looking down on her he asks are you ok her response is to pull him down closer to her and whispers in his ear I've still got my G string on you shoved so far up I thought you were going to cut me in half."

[whoareya]

"Bloke goes to a party and overindulges wakes up in a double bed looking around trying to get an idea on where he is the bed quilt moves, and there's a beautiful woman in the bed with him they make eye contact. He has a quick glimpse at her perfect body, and without saying a word she leans over and kisses him on the lips he responds, and they start kissing each passionately the man nuzzles his nose deep into her neck while kissing her tenderly, They end up caressing each others body. The man rolls over on to the top of the woman and spreads the women's legs with his. As he penetrates her while looking into her face, her eyes got larger. With every thrust going further forward into the tunnel of love suddenly he sees a change in her face her forehead frowns, her face starts to distort with every thrust going forward then her bottom lip begins to quiver then her top lip her hands move to clinch the bedsheet. Now her lips are compressed and sealed she suddenly puts both hands around his body the man is ready to explode. With his bulls full and sweat starting to drip from his body when the woman says in his ear; please stop I cannot take it anymore the man leans up with a smile from ear to ear having conquered such a beautiful woman when he notices a tear in her eye. Looking down on he asks are you ok her response is to pull him down closer to her and whispers in his ear I've still got my G string on you shoved so far up I thought you were going to cut me in half."

[ted fenton]

"For fucks sake, sacked on my first day of a new job. Fuck it, I didn't want to be a drone pilot anyway."

[Pee Wee]

When my mum was in labour my head got stuck in her fanny and the widwife had to pull me out. .... That's how excited I was to see my baby brother

[Manip]

I found this Irn Bru advert rather amusing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yZOab5gl-4