THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.

[Bungo]

I just had a lovely walk. . . . . . . . Fucking autocorrect!!

[lab]

"I'm thinking of starting a dating agency for chickens , I'm hoping I'll be able to make hens meet."

[boleyn8420]

Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds

[Queens Fish Bar]

"One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks."

[Westham67]

"A fella holds a fancy dress party. A bloke knocked on his door, he opened it and the bloke was standing there in his underwear. He said to him what have you come as ? he says a premature ejaculation .He says what do you mean by the that ? the bloke said I've come in my pants"

[joyo]

Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas

[Manip]

"Liam Neeson is in trouble yet again today after announcing ""I could murder a Chinese"" earlier on this afternoon."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was going to phone you yesterday, I was in Tesco and saw your name on a loaf of bread Then realised it actually said 'Thick cut'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke named Bill is at the cinema, seeing a new film that's the talk of the town. It's a few weeks into the film's run, so it's just him and a couple other people in the theatre, as well as a man who is sitting next to a large dog. He supposes this is a service animal or something, and pays it no mind. But as the lights dim and the film starts, his attention goes to the dog more and more. A fascinating thing happens: The dog appears to understand the film perfectly. Its tongue hangs out in a wide doggy smile when a character tells a funny joke. It growls apprehensively when the villain shows up. At particularly sad moments, it lets out a little sad howl. At the end, when the hero triumphs it gives a few happy barks of celebration. At this point Bill is much more interested in this strangely singular dog than in the film itself. When the credits roll and the lights come up and everyone is sort of shuffling out of the theatre, he decides he simply must talk to the owner of this impressive creature. ""Excuse me"" says Bill ""Please pardon the intrusion. I just wanted to come over and say that I find your dog's behaviour simply unbelievable!"" ""Frankly, so do I"" says the man. ""He **** hated the book"""

[arsene york-hunt]

I used to know a masochist who loved a cold shower every morning. So he took them hot

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I see Amazons' boss, Jeff Bezo's wife is leaving him""¶.with a neighbour,I presume"

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy : ""I want to be a millionaire just like my Dad""ù Mick ""Wow, your Dad's a millionaire?""ù Paddy ""No, but he always wanted to be one""ù"

[Willtell]

It took me a moment Bungo but....topical!

[Briano]

"Preparing for Wedding A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, ""We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.""ù ""Absolutely not,""ù says the Mullah. ""It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.""ù ""So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?""ù ""No,""ù answered the Mullah, ""It's forbidden.""ù ""Well, okay,""ù says the man, ""What about sex? Can we finally have sex?""ù ""Of course!""ù replies the Mullah, ""Sex is OK within marriage!""ù ""What about different positions?""ù asks the man. ""No problem,""ù says the Mullah. ""Woman on top?""ù the man asks. ""Sure,""ù says the Mullah. ""Go for it!""ù ""Doggy style?""ù ""Sure!""ù ""On the kitchen table?""ù ""Yes, yes!""ù ""Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators?""ù ""You may indeed!""ù ""Can we do it standing up?""ù ""No.""ù says the Mullah. ""Why not?""ù asks the man. ""It could lead to dancing.""ù"

[Bungo]

So proud of my son for passing his Duke of Edinburgh Gold award. He couldn't be arsed to climb Ben Nevis though so he just ran a Honda Civic off the road in his Range Rover.

[wd40]

A Joke for the grand kids throw in some farts and your be the funniest granddad ever. A wife asked her hubby what he wants for breakfast he replies '' 10 tins of bake beans please '' ''is that all?'' ''yes that's all thanks '' Come dinner and tea he again asks for 10 tins of bake beans and the following morning requests the same for breakfast. After breakfast he states that he will be going for a short walk but fails to return and on it being 5 hours since he left the wife naturally is getting worried so calls the police who turn up and request some basic details on her hubby. ''So what sort of mood was he when he left the house madam ?'' the police asks her she replies '' He was fine -full of beans '' As said one for grand-kids

[Jasnik]

That joke was shit

[Helmut Shown]

"Due to work on the overhead lines the train company puts on a service with old slam door diesel trains with no corridor. A bloke has been sitting on his own in a single compartment and is busting for a shit. Seizing the opportunity he sticks his arse out of the window and proceeds to pinch one out. Unfortunately just as he lets go he is going through a station and the turd hits a bloke right in the face and he falls down on the platform. A porter sees what happened and rushes to help him to his feet. He says ""Did you see who did it?"" "" Yes "" say the poor victim, "" I'd recognise him anywhere he had a big scar right down his face"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It's ""òStars in their Eyes' and Matthew Kelly welcomes a lad called Simon from Lincoln. Simon hobbles onto the stage using crutches and makes his painful way up to stand alongside the compare. ""Simon,you have a very bitter sweet story for us don't you?""ù ""Yes,Matthew""¶.I was in a terrible car crash on my way home from a family wedding this time last year.I was badly injured when we hit Armco at high speed-everyone else in the car was killed. They rushed me to hospital but too late to save my legs.They were amputated and things looked really bleak for me. Luckily,my aunt gave permission for her husbands' legs to be grafted onto my stumps and after 11 months physio and top class treatment,I have the use of his legs and doctors say I'll be playing football again in a years' time""ù "" A story of bravery and endurance, who are you performing as this evening?""ù ""Tonight,Matthew,I'm going to be Simon and Half Uncle""ù"

[neco]

Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

[Mirkwood]

"I was chatting to a bird in a club.She whispered, ""Do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny the size of a Polo.""I said, ""Oh yes.""When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.She said, ""Surprised?""I said, ""Totally, I thought you meant the mint not the fucking hatchback.. !!"

[Mirkwood]

"I discreetly removed the 'Anything Goes' call girl card from inside the phone box, quickly headed back to my hotel and excitedly rang the number. A woman with a soft, silky voice answered, 'Hello Sir.."" ""I'm in room 23 of the Travelodge Hotel"", I said. ""I want a blindfold, nipple clamps, handcuffs, a small paddling pool with loads of custard, baked beans and squirty cream"" ""Sounds great"", she replied. ""but you've come through to reception, Mr Smith . If you press 9 first, you can get an outside line"""

[Mad Dog]

"Two guys were picked up by the police for drugs offences and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, ""You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."" Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, ""How did you do over the weekend?"" ""Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."" ""17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"" ""I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs."" ""That's admirable,"" said the judge. ""And you, how did you do?"" (to the 2nd guy) ""Well, your honuor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs  forever."" ""156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"" ""Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, This is your arse before prison...."""