THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[arsene york-hunt]

Man: I keep smelling rotten eggs Doctor: It sounds like you are suffering from an olfactory hallucination. It could be a symptom of a neurological process When do you have this experience? Man: Every time I fart

[The Stoat]

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perfom under pressure I told the interviewer I didn't really know that one but could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody

[Aalborg Hammer]

I poured my root beer into a square glass...now I just have beer

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

And the winner is.................devonhammer

[devonhammer]

"Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year, but the venues couldn't agree about who should go on first."

[Aalborg Hammer]

How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.

[Bungo]

I just had a lovely walk. . . . . . . . Fucking autocorrect!!

[lab]

"I'm thinking of starting a dating agency for chickens , I'm hoping I'll be able to make hens meet."

[boleyn8420]

Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds

[Queens Fish Bar]

"One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks."

[Westham67]

"A fella holds a fancy dress party. A bloke knocked on his door, he opened it and the bloke was standing there in his underwear. He said to him what have you come as ? he says a premature ejaculation .He says what do you mean by the that ? the bloke said I've come in my pants"

[joyo]

Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas

[Manip]

"Liam Neeson is in trouble yet again today after announcing ""I could murder a Chinese"" earlier on this afternoon."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was going to phone you yesterday, I was in Tesco and saw your name on a loaf of bread Then realised it actually said 'Thick cut'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke named Bill is at the cinema, seeing a new film that's the talk of the town. It's a few weeks into the film's run, so it's just him and a couple other people in the theatre, as well as a man who is sitting next to a large dog. He supposes this is a service animal or something, and pays it no mind. But as the lights dim and the film starts, his attention goes to the dog more and more. A fascinating thing happens: The dog appears to understand the film perfectly. Its tongue hangs out in a wide doggy smile when a character tells a funny joke. It growls apprehensively when the villain shows up. At particularly sad moments, it lets out a little sad howl. At the end, when the hero triumphs it gives a few happy barks of celebration. At this point Bill is much more interested in this strangely singular dog than in the film itself. When the credits roll and the lights come up and everyone is sort of shuffling out of the theatre, he decides he simply must talk to the owner of this impressive creature. ""Excuse me"" says Bill ""Please pardon the intrusion. I just wanted to come over and say that I find your dog's behaviour simply unbelievable!"" ""Frankly, so do I"" says the man. ""He **** hated the book"""

[arsene york-hunt]

I used to know a masochist who loved a cold shower every morning. So he took them hot

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I see Amazons' boss, Jeff Bezo's wife is leaving him""¶.with a neighbour,I presume"

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy : ""I want to be a millionaire just like my Dad""ù Mick ""Wow, your Dad's a millionaire?""ù Paddy ""No, but he always wanted to be one""ù"

[Willtell]

It took me a moment Bungo but....topical!

[Briano]

"Preparing for Wedding A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, ""We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.""ù ""Absolutely not,""ù says the Mullah. ""It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.""ù ""So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?""ù ""No,""ù answered the Mullah, ""It's forbidden.""ù ""Well, okay,""ù says the man, ""What about sex? Can we finally have sex?""ù ""Of course!""ù replies the Mullah, ""Sex is OK within marriage!""ù ""What about different positions?""ù asks the man. ""No problem,""ù says the Mullah. ""Woman on top?""ù the man asks. ""Sure,""ù says the Mullah. ""Go for it!""ù ""Doggy style?""ù ""Sure!""ù ""On the kitchen table?""ù ""Yes, yes!""ù ""Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators?""ù ""You may indeed!""ù ""Can we do it standing up?""ù ""No.""ù says the Mullah. ""Why not?""ù asks the man. ""It could lead to dancing.""ù"

[Bungo]

So proud of my son for passing his Duke of Edinburgh Gold award. He couldn't be arsed to climb Ben Nevis though so he just ran a Honda Civic off the road in his Range Rover.

[wd40]

A Joke for the grand kids throw in some farts and your be the funniest granddad ever. A wife asked her hubby what he wants for breakfast he replies '' 10 tins of bake beans please '' ''is that all?'' ''yes that's all thanks '' Come dinner and tea he again asks for 10 tins of bake beans and the following morning requests the same for breakfast. After breakfast he states that he will be going for a short walk but fails to return and on it being 5 hours since he left the wife naturally is getting worried so calls the police who turn up and request some basic details on her hubby. ''So what sort of mood was he when he left the house madam ?'' the police asks her she replies '' He was fine -full of beans '' As said one for grand-kids

[Jasnik]

That joke was shit

[Helmut Shown]

"Due to work on the overhead lines the train company puts on a service with old slam door diesel trains with no corridor. A bloke has been sitting on his own in a single compartment and is busting for a shit. Seizing the opportunity he sticks his arse out of the window and proceeds to pinch one out. Unfortunately just as he lets go he is going through a station and the turd hits a bloke right in the face and he falls down on the platform. A porter sees what happened and rushes to help him to his feet. He says ""Did you see who did it?"" "" Yes "" say the poor victim, "" I'd recognise him anywhere he had a big scar right down his face"""