THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[arsene york-hunt]

"Scouser goes with a prostitute, she asks him if he wants a blow job, He says ""Will it effect my dole money?"""

[joyo]

Elton John is going to release a charity single for the Mosque shooting victims in Christchurch.... Its going to be called 'sandels in the bin'

[Jasnik]

Declan Rice wins Irish Young Player of the Year award

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mother was a red Indian and my father a Scotsman...they were going to call me 'Hawkeye the Noo'

[CrowleyHammer]

I reused to believe I was gay and dyslexic..... I was in daniel.

[arsene york-hunt]

Man: I keep smelling rotten eggs Doctor: It sounds like you are suffering from an olfactory hallucination. It could be a symptom of a neurological process When do you have this experience? Man: Every time I fart

[The Stoat]

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perfom under pressure I told the interviewer I didn't really know that one but could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody

[Aalborg Hammer]

I poured my root beer into a square glass...now I just have beer

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

And the winner is.................devonhammer

[devonhammer]

"Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year, but the venues couldn't agree about who should go on first."

[Aalborg Hammer]

How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.

[Bungo]

I just had a lovely walk. . . . . . . . Fucking autocorrect!!

[lab]

"I'm thinking of starting a dating agency for chickens , I'm hoping I'll be able to make hens meet."

[boleyn8420]

Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds

[Queens Fish Bar]

"One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks."

[Westham67]

"A fella holds a fancy dress party. A bloke knocked on his door, he opened it and the bloke was standing there in his underwear. He said to him what have you come as ? he says a premature ejaculation .He says what do you mean by the that ? the bloke said I've come in my pants"

[joyo]

Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas

[Manip]

"Liam Neeson is in trouble yet again today after announcing ""I could murder a Chinese"" earlier on this afternoon."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was going to phone you yesterday, I was in Tesco and saw your name on a loaf of bread Then realised it actually said 'Thick cut'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke named Bill is at the cinema, seeing a new film that's the talk of the town. It's a few weeks into the film's run, so it's just him and a couple other people in the theatre, as well as a man who is sitting next to a large dog. He supposes this is a service animal or something, and pays it no mind. But as the lights dim and the film starts, his attention goes to the dog more and more. A fascinating thing happens: The dog appears to understand the film perfectly. Its tongue hangs out in a wide doggy smile when a character tells a funny joke. It growls apprehensively when the villain shows up. At particularly sad moments, it lets out a little sad howl. At the end, when the hero triumphs it gives a few happy barks of celebration. At this point Bill is much more interested in this strangely singular dog than in the film itself. When the credits roll and the lights come up and everyone is sort of shuffling out of the theatre, he decides he simply must talk to the owner of this impressive creature. ""Excuse me"" says Bill ""Please pardon the intrusion. I just wanted to come over and say that I find your dog's behaviour simply unbelievable!"" ""Frankly, so do I"" says the man. ""He **** hated the book"""

[arsene york-hunt]

I used to know a masochist who loved a cold shower every morning. So he took them hot

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I see Amazons' boss, Jeff Bezo's wife is leaving him""¶.with a neighbour,I presume"

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy : ""I want to be a millionaire just like my Dad""ù Mick ""Wow, your Dad's a millionaire?""ù Paddy ""No, but he always wanted to be one""ù"

[Willtell]

It took me a moment Bungo but....topical!