THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[lab]

"The inventor of predictive text pissed away yesterday , his funfair is next monkey."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Found in your cell, unresponsive."

[Willtell]

I really hate it when your finger pops through the toilet paper when wiping . . . . But apart from that I'm really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home

[Willtell]

"One of my mates reckons the temperature of his testicles is 27 degrees celsius""¶ Absolute bollocks!"

[The_Phantom]

"Aalborg Hammer Your ""òjoke' of 9:03 Fri Aug 9 almost sounds like one you just made up, ""¶but this one - 5:45 Tue Aug 13 is superb"

[Son of Sam]

"A mate of mine has been collecting magazines on Osteopathy for nearly twenty years now. He has lots of back issues,"

[Aalborg Hammer]

My grandparents real names were Nanny Pearl and Grandpa Dean but we just called them Grandma and Grandpapapapapapapapapapa

[lab]

"Husband and wife sit down to dinner in a restaurant . Food arrives. Husband: the food here looks great ,let's eat. Wife: you usually pray before you eat luv . Husband: that's at home luv, the chef here knows how to cook."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Don't think he actually said that, chim..."

[chim chim cha boo]

Jesus. Some of you cunts need to get out more

[Willtell]

Hmmm! Perhaps you needed to be there when he said it....

[ray winstone]

"Jim Bowen. My favourite moment. ""Next up at the ""òockey we've got Hoppy...why'd they call you Hoppy lad?""ù ""Cos I've only got one leg Jim.""ù ""Lovely. Smashing.""ù"

[Briano]

Newcastle United have brought in the DIY SOS team to do up their physio room after signing Andy Carroll

[arsene york-hunt]

I went out with a girl once who told me she was a carpenter. She really enjoyed doing a bit of tongue in groove

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A Sea Cow-shaped Zeppelin, advertising the rock opera ""Tommy"", has just burst into flames and crashed to earth. Oh, The Who manatee!"

[riosleftsock]

"Called in to see my Scottish neighbour last night, I walked in as he was up a ladder stripping wallpaper. ""Alright Jock, spot of decorating?"" ""Moving house""."

[claret50]

"I asked my wife why did she marry me. Wife: ""Because you are funny."" Me: ""I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?"" Wife: ""You see? You're hilarious."""

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals Philippe Philoppe

[Exiled In Surrey]

Exiled In Surrey 12:40 Mon Jul 29 Boss: now get out of my office!

[Exiled In Surrey]

Boss: you're fired Me: *slams fist on desk* you woke me up for this?

[Bungo]

Pete Doherty recently tried to connect with a younger audience by rebranding himself P-Doh with limited success.

[collyrob]

"A woman passed her daughter's room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked why?? The daughter replied: mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone. Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query,the daughter again said: dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone. A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: What the fuck are you doing? The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law."

[Too Much Too Young]

"The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her snatch and then licking it. ""Steady love"", i said, ""you'll need that in the morning to help see the kids across the road""."

[Manip]

Ag

[Ridikzappa]

Just seen it's John McCririck's funeral this Friday at 5/2