THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Good deed done yesterday. At the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to ÔøΩ56.83 but when she counted out all of her change and she only had just under ÔøΩ10. I thought she was probably someoneÔøΩs Nan and IÔøΩd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive just before Christmas. She didnÔøΩt want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves."

[Willtell]

What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick... Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started."

[The Stoat]

"On her recent tour of Ireland, Diane Abbot was asked if she liked County Down to which she replied I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it"

[joyo]

"In the same hospital there was another fella who slept under his bed every night.. I asked ""why?"" He said ""because I'm a little potty"""

[claret on my shirt]

"I walked into a mental hospital earlier, one of the residents had his cock between two biscuits. I said, ""What are you doing?"" he said, ""I'm fucking crackers""..."

[Ridikzappa]

Remember Christmas decorations are like Jeffrey Epstein. They aren't going to hang themselves..

[eswing hammer]

"Lone Lady golfer catches up a three ball, Englishman, lrishman and a Scotsman ,on the last hole ,a par 3 they all hit the green and the lady is about 15 feet from the hole and says ""l need this putt for my best ever round ,if anyone can give me the correct line l promise l will give them the best ever blow job "" Englishman says ""it's about two inches left to right "", Scotsman says "" no it's firm ,dead straight , what do you think paddy? "" lrishmans dick is already sticking out of his pants and says "" i'll Give you that putt lady""ù."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A cannibal came back from holiday with only one arm. His mate said ""What happened to you?""ù The cannibal said ""I went self-catering""ù"

[The Stoat]

"A German dwarf jumped in the river to rescue my dog yesterday. Thankfully he managed to get it back on the bank and said you vill need to wrap him up vorm, give him plenty of vitamin c and keep a close eye on him for hypothermia. I said I cannot thank you enough, are you a little vet? A little vet he replied, I am fucking soaking"

[lab]

Cheers Joyo

[joyo]

"""you can't beat Bournemouth this time of year"""

[lab]

"It's on this thread somewhere .....a Man U supporter walks into a travel agent and asks for a few days break , the punchline has something to do with Bournemouth , can someone remind me of it ? I need to wind up a Man U supporter . Thanks."

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes to the doctor's. He says ""Ive got a problem with my foot."" The doctor says : ""Put it on the table I'll have a look"" The man takes out his penis and slaps it on the table. The doctor says ""That's not a foot!"" ""I know"" says the man ""but it's a good eleven inches"""

[arsene york-hunt]

"Went to a fancy dress and met a black bloke with his knob in a bowl of custard looking rather angry. I asked him:""What have you come as?"" He said ""I's fuckin' dis custard."""

[Helmut Shown]

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

[Helmut Shown]

"I'm going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She's particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon"

[arsene york-hunt]

"A squaddie walks into a pub and orders a pie. When he has eaten the pie he grabs a man, cuts off his ear and eats it. The barman calls the Military Police; one comes and arrests the squaddie. ""What's your regiment?"" the MP asks. He replies: ""I'm in the pie 'n' ear corps."""

[The Stoat]

An Policeman was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating while on duty No name has been given but he is a high wanking officer.

[Slow_Joe]

"Just started a new job as a postman and everyone is saying I'm the worst postman they have ever seen.. Shit, meant to post this somewhere else.."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I went to the doctors yesterday for a full check up and after removing my underwear, the doctor remarked that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that its a family trait and we all have genitals shaped like musical instruments. The doctor was astounded and said in all his years he'd never seen anything like but then remembered he did have a female patient who had a vagina shaped like a mouth organ. I told him that'll be our Monica."

[Helmut Shown]

"An Irishman starts work at a building site. He goes into the hut to get his safety equipment. The foreman gives him a pair of wellies and a safety helmet. ""Excuse me"" says the Irishman "" but why is there an ""L"" on one boot and an ""R"" on the other? "" ""It's health and safety""says the foreman ""It stands for left and right to make sure you put them on the right feet"" ""And what about the ""F"" and the ""B"" on the helmet"" says the Irishman? ""Health and safety again"" says the foreman ""so you dont put it on back to front"" ""Well that's amazing"" says Paddy ""Is that why my wife was told to get her knickers at C&A?"" * *This joke was originally told before C&A went bankrupt in Britain"

[Helmut Shown]

"Two men standing at time urinal one says to the other: ""You're Jewish aren't you?"" "" As a matter of fact I am. How did you know?"" replied the other man. ""You're circumcised and what's more you were circumcised by Dr Katz"" the first man says ""That's incredible how did you know that?"" He replies incredulously ""Well everybody knows Dr Katz is blind in one eye causing him to cut on the slant and you've just pissed in my pocket"""

[Ridikzappa]

Last time I ordered a Chinese it arrived cold

[ted fenton]

"Sad, sad people who are setting off fireworks in the middle of October. One frightened the cat so much it ran up the Xmas tree."