THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"One bloke in the pub says ""My wife and I fuck llke rabbits every night""ù The other fella says ""You lucky bastard, I only get it once a month and I call it the Bruce Lee night""ù ""Why the fuck do you call it that?""ù ""Cos it's the night I enter the dragon""ù"

[Exiled In Surrey]

"""Drug Addicts Anonymous, how may I help?"" ""Can I speak to the cocaine counsellor?"" ""Can you hold? He's on another line at the moment.""ù"

[Dave Boozle]

"As it's Burns Night and Chinese New Year, I was going to avoid calling it Chinese Burns Night, but someone twisted my arm."

[Haz]

I've just picked up my Sister's labrador from the Ironmongers. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

[Haz]

Anal sex is like your first Spurs scarf You didn't really want it but your uncle gave it to you anyway.

[Too Much Too Young]

Ejaculate (v.) What a Yorkshire person tells Jack when he's not on time.

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes to the doctor's with chronic constipation. The doctor prescribes him Lactalose. The man says to the doctor ""That stuff's no good, you've given it to me loads of times and it doesn't work"" ""OK"" says the doctor ""I'll give you something a lot more powerful take two of them with a drink and make sure you are very close to a toilet"" The man goes away and stops off in a pub. He says to the barman ""Have you got a toilet in here?"" "" Yes "" says the barman ""just round there to the left"" He orders a pint of lager and takes the two tablets. After half an hour he's grumbling to himself about another useless remedy the doctor gave him. All of a sudden he feels a rumbling in his stomach and a very queasy feeling in his arse. He races to the toilet and wrenches open the door a backs on to the pan. A torrent of shit exudes from his arse and he feels the relief hes been craving when he hears a whimper behind him. There is a little man sitting on the toilet. He is mortified and says to the little man: ""Sorry mate I didnt see you there"" The little man replies "" I thought that was the case that's why I pulled your pants up! """

[Ridikzappa]

I enjoyed Helmut's ancient joke

[Helmut Shown]

Icwhs Yes but not many on here can remember Budgie Byrne so they wouldn't have heard it before

[icwhs]

Helmut... That was a children's joke 50 years ago?

[Helmut Shown]

"A young girl in school shouts to her teacher ""Please miss I've wet myself"" ""Why didn't you put your hand up"" the teacher asks. The girl replies ""I did miss but it ran through my fingers"""

[Willtell]

"My Grandad had a gift; He foresaw the sinking of the Titanic. He told everyone before it sailed that it would sink. No one would listen to him, even though he was shouting it from the rooftops! It got so bad, in the end they had to throw him out of the cinema."

[Sir Alf]

"This is def worth 60 sec read... A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and are all just want, want, fucking want. No wonder you are on you own, you deserve being left on the shelf. Now fuck off! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a shag whenever you fancy! The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Derek Acorah's family are giving all of his clothes away if anyone wants them. He was a medium

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate just asked me ""If you were stuck on a desert island and you could have three records,what would they be??""ù I said ""The long distance swimming one would be handy""ù"

[eswing hammer]

"Just came back from a golf trip to Spain,all this bollocks about Gareth Bale not speaking Spanish, well l saw him coming off the 18th green at Villamora and he said he had a ""òpoor par four ""ò ."

[Helmut Shown]

"At a medical conference an anatomy professor overheard a conversation between three African delegates. The first one said ""I am sure it is spelled ""Woom""ù""ù The second one says ""I believe you are wrong it is spelled ""Whoom""ù""ù The third one says ""I can say categorically it is spelled ""Whombe""ù The professor says ""excuse my interruption I think you are all wrong it is spelled womb. He walks away and one of the Africans says to the other two ""Stupid cսnt, I bet he's never heard an elephant fart in his life""ù"

[Queens Fish Bar]

Iron Man is Fe Male

[Dan M]

From next year advent calendars are being phased out. Apparently their days are numbered.

[arsene york-hunt]

"There was a wishing well and a tiny, little man was sitting on the wall of the well playing a miniature piano. A bloke was leaning over the well shouting ""I SAID 10"" PENIS, YOU cսnt!!!!!!!!"""

[Helmut Shown]

"My son Mark was walking along a road the other day when he heard someone call ""Mark! Mark! He looked around and there was nobody there. He walked a little bit further and heard Mark Mark! Again nobody there. He walked on and he heard Mark Mark! So he looked over the fence and saw a dog with a hare lip."

[Mad Dog]

"Why does santa say ""ho, ho, ho""? So he can disrespect 3 butchers at once"

[Briano]

Our pet dog is called Minton He's got a terrible habit of chewing my shuttlecocks Bad Minton

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The Police came round my house last night and showed me a picture. ""ùis this your wife?""ù They asked. ""ùyes it is""ù I answered the officer then said ""I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus""ù I replied ""I know, but she's good with the kids""ù"

[arsene york-hunt]

What do you call an Ursus Maritimus with violent mood swings? A Bi-polar Bear