THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

Surgeons have said that a man who was shot by his wife over 300 times using an upholstery staple gun is now fully recovered

[joyo]

What's the difference between Tyson Fury and a Muslim? Fury can take a shot to the head.

[lab]

A long life supporter of West Ham has said if he wins the euro millions lottery he may try and purchase the club. However his wife has said she has other plans should he get four numbers.

[Swiss.]

eswing Yeah I heard he was ill but I thought he's stick it out longer

[joyo]

Did Flack kill herself softly with a song?

[eswing hammer]

"We've lost another one , the bloke who invented Velcro has died ...RIP"

[joyo]

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!

[joyo]

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get sick? Jerry Can

[lab]

Christ I can't believe the service of Amazon. I ordered a trampoline yesterday afternoon and it was in my back garden this morning.

[Willtell]

"Earlier this morning my wife texted me: ""Some of the girls in the office have had flowers delivered, they're really beautiful"" I replied: ""That'll be why they got flowers then."""

[icwhs]

I gave my wife a massive orgasm last night. It's a shame she spat it out.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"So this lizard is walking along the riverbank and he smells the sweet smell of a spliff""¶he looks up a tree and there's a baboon smoking a big fat joint. The baboon invites him up to join him. After a while the lizard gets cotton mouth and says ""I'm off to the river for a drink""ù A crocodile swims up and asks the lizard what he's doing. The lizard explains about the baboon and the excellent Lebanese black that he'd just smoked. ""A baboon with a spliff? This I have to see!!""ù The crocodile gets to the bottom of the tree and the baboon looks down at him. ""Mannnnnnnnn!! How much water did you drink!!??""ù"

[eswing hammer]

"My windscreen was all iced up this morning and l couldn't find the icescraper so l used my B&Q trade credit card ,it was hard work but l managed to get 20% off ."

[penners28]

"Apparently Schofield was about to be outed as a west ham fan, so thought it would be less embarrassing to just say he was gay...."

[Dandy Lyon]

Phillip Schofield is leaving ITV. He prefers BBC

[Mirkwood]

"I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married."

[lab]

"Holly Willoughby :whenever I bent down to pick up a pen,he never ever said ...while yer down there luv, ..it all makes sense now."

[Mirkwood]

Waiting for the first decent Phillip Schofield joke to land...

[Nutsin]

"Englishman, Italian and a Frenchman having a beer together in a bar. The Italian says ""you know, after I finish making love to my wife I massage her back and she floats 2 inches off the bed in ecstasy."" The Frenchman says ""this is nothing masseur, After I make love to my wife I massage her feet and she floats 2 feet off the bed in ecstasy. The Englishman pipes up, ""That's nothing, after I'm done shagging my old lady I wipe my knob on her drapes and she hits the roof!"""

[Exiled In Surrey]

"Went to see the doctor and told him I was suffering from premature ejaculation. He asked "" how does your wife feel about it?"" I replied ""at first she took it on the chin, but now its getting on het tits"""

[claret on my shirt]

saw this on OLAS Police are looking for three West Ham supporters who homophobically abused Brighton supporters on Saturday. A police spokesman said when caught they will be banned from watching West Ham for life so far 4900 supporters have said it was them!

[tr3bor]

Aalborg Hammer 2:28 Wed Jan 29 fantastic

[ted fenton]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2zJ8vaB5jo&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR1Z8hv-O81QKrB6L3BDTceWti2dhQsPapTFqoqtfUIzKSyjLyPbydBLXu0 17 million Fuck offs

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Got a porn film the other day , I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some fat bloke holding his cock. Then I realised I hadn't switched the tv on."

[Son of Sam]

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7935375/Hilarious-moment-two-Iowa-delivery-men-trying-large-package-icy-street.html