THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Son of Sam]

Ted thats excellent nice one

[ted fenton]

"Just something to give everyone a giggle and smile At first I was afraid, I was petrified, There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried. Oh, how I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong, I used to wipe, And now I'm forced to just drip dry! No anti-bac! No bloody soap! And if you think you're buying pasta, well, you've got no hope! I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread, If I'd have known for just one second everyone would lose their head! Go on now go, walk out the door! You bloody stockpilers, You are not welcome any more! Weren't you ones who just bought all the sodding beans? You selfish gits! I hope you spill them down your jeans! Oh no not I, I won't panic buy! Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I'll stay alive, Though I can't buy my usual cheese This will not bring me to my knees And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey! It took all the strength I had not to not to fall apart, There was just apples and a carrot in my shopping cart, And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself, The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor! And you'll see me, somebody who, Cannot buy anything she came for, and it's down to you And frickin' Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin' git! Because he stockpiled all the loo roll no one else can have a s@*t! (x2) Go on now go, walk out the door! You bloody stockpilers, You are not welcome any more! Weren't you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes? Can't you make a crumble, Do you people not know how to bake? Oh no not I, I won't panic buy! Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I'll stay alive, Though I can't buy my usual cheese This will not bring me to my knees And I'll survive, I will survive!"

[Coffee]

"Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, ""Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"" ""Well,"" replied the Queen, ""the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."" Trump frowned, and then asked, ""But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"" The Queen took a sip of tea. ""Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."" The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. ""Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, ""Yes, Your Majesty?"" The Queen smiled and said, ""Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, ""That would be me."" ""Yes! Very good,"" said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. "" Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"" ""I'm not sure,"" said Pence. ""Let me get back to you on that one."" He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, ""Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"" Jack Murphy answered right back, ""That's easy, it's me!"" Pence smiled, and said, ""Thanks!"" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. ""Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, ""No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"""

[Westside]

"For some reason, at the moment, I just can't stop singing Kylie Minogue songs around the house. Driving the wife crazy. She says if I don't stop, she'll leave me. I Should Be So Lucky."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"I just went down the shops to buy some provisions. I tried to follow the advice and self-distance, but there was nobody was about to self-distance from. I had to identify as a crowd then run like fuck from myself to follow the rules. I'm knackered. This ain't gonna work."

[Exiled In Surrey]

It's a little known fact that during the Blitz the Germans only dropped one bomb and then Londoners passed it on to each other in pubs and clubs.

[Son of Sam]

"Who says quarantine and self-isolating is boring? Not me. My only problem today is I cant figure out how one of my 1kg bags of rice has 49,722 grains and the other only has 49,168 grains"

[joyo]

I like my women like COVID..... 19 and easily spread

[eswing hammer]

"My mrs wanted me to take her shopping at the new Westgate , l said ""òNo , if you've seen one shopping centre ,you've seen the mall ""ò"

[AKA ERNIE]

My misses was going shopping today I told her for fuck sake dont panic buy. I came home and andy Carroll was in the kitchen

[geoffpikey]

Panic buyers have now cleared the shelves of hummus and guacamole. It's a double dip recession.

[Dave Boozle]

A suicide bomber has killed himself and his family after he was forced to work from home.

[Westside]

"People in Germany are taking Coronoa virus extremely seriously. They are now putting their towels on hospital beds, first thing in the morning."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Most of the quay workers I know are down the loch.

[Exiled In Surrey]

Timpsons - are they key workers and are they in lockdown?

[geoffpikey]

"My mate lives with over 150 beetles. He doesn't like insects. It's car owner virus. (Coat, taxi, doctor!)"

[geoffpikey]

Eton College sports staff * are distraught at the school's closure. They've never had to wank at home before. * Substitute church / school / hugh of your choice.

[eswing hammer]

"Just got an e-mail warning there could be the virus in meats like ham, corned beef pork ,etc but it's probably just spam !"

[Mike Oxsaw]

This is more like it!

[geoffpikey]

We're going mad about bog roll. But a friend in Germany says everyone's panic-buying cheese and sausages at the supermarket. It's a wurst käse scenario

[Westside]

"Friend of mine woke up with a temperature, cough, sore throat. Also had Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby songs, going round and round in his head. He's caught Crooner Virus."

[eswing hammer]

"Mate of mine just got back from Spain and has only caught Coronavirus at Malaga airport, they reckon it could be a Terminal illness !"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Nail Salons closed Lash salons closed Hair salons closed Waxing salons closed It's about to get ugly out there ,lads- stay safe"

[geoffpikey]

"A third Briton has been declared dead from coronavirus. At the Sanitiser Bowl Hospital in East London, Dr David Moyes said the victim was.... ""Showing signs of improvement."" Ta-boom."

[ted fenton]

"Reasons Not To Mess With Children A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'."