THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Exiled In Surrey]

It's a little known fact that during the Blitz the Germans only dropped one bomb and then Londoners passed it on to each other in pubs and clubs.

[Son of Sam]

"Who says quarantine and self-isolating is boring? Not me. My only problem today is I cant figure out how one of my 1kg bags of rice has 49,722 grains and the other only has 49,168 grains"

[joyo]

I like my women like COVID..... 19 and easily spread

[eswing hammer]

"My mrs wanted me to take her shopping at the new Westgate , l said ""òNo , if you've seen one shopping centre ,you've seen the mall ""ò"

[AKA ERNIE]

My misses was going shopping today I told her for fuck sake dont panic buy. I came home and andy Carroll was in the kitchen

[geoffpikey]

Panic buyers have now cleared the shelves of hummus and guacamole. It's a double dip recession.

[Dave Boozle]

A suicide bomber has killed himself and his family after he was forced to work from home.

[Westside]

"People in Germany are taking Coronoa virus extremely seriously. They are now putting their towels on hospital beds, first thing in the morning."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Most of the quay workers I know are down the loch.

[Exiled In Surrey]

Timpsons - are they key workers and are they in lockdown?

[geoffpikey]

"My mate lives with over 150 beetles. He doesn't like insects. It's car owner virus. (Coat, taxi, doctor!)"

[geoffpikey]

Eton College sports staff * are distraught at the school's closure. They've never had to wank at home before. * Substitute church / school / hugh of your choice.

[eswing hammer]

"Just got an e-mail warning there could be the virus in meats like ham, corned beef pork ,etc but it's probably just spam !"

[Mike Oxsaw]

This is more like it!

[geoffpikey]

We're going mad about bog roll. But a friend in Germany says everyone's panic-buying cheese and sausages at the supermarket. It's a wurst käse scenario

[Westside]

"Friend of mine woke up with a temperature, cough, sore throat. Also had Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby songs, going round and round in his head. He's caught Crooner Virus."

[eswing hammer]

"Mate of mine just got back from Spain and has only caught Coronavirus at Malaga airport, they reckon it could be a Terminal illness !"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Nail Salons closed Lash salons closed Hair salons closed Waxing salons closed It's about to get ugly out there ,lads- stay safe"

[geoffpikey]

"A third Briton has been declared dead from coronavirus. At the Sanitiser Bowl Hospital in East London, Dr David Moyes said the victim was.... ""Showing signs of improvement."" Ta-boom."

[ted fenton]

"Reasons Not To Mess With Children A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'."

[The Stoat]

"I was admitted into hospital yesterday with suspected food poisoning, it appears what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb I should be out by early spring"

[geoffpikey]

"Went into the chemist and asked an assistant ""What gets rid of coronavirus?"" She said ""Ammonia cleaner"" I said ""I'm sorry, I thought you worked here"" Yes, it's dreadful and I chuckled."

[mtchammer]

"I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon. I asked him ""whereabouts in Devon mate?""ù He replied ""Exeter mate, Exeter mate.""ù"

[joe royal]

"MY MORNING STROLL. This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around my local Marina. I noticed a character shouting ""Allah be praised!"" and ""Death to all Infidels!"", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown! Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard and even Fire and Rescue! It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted three STAMPS."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Man with Corona virus desperately seeking woman with Lyme disease