THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mr Anon]

To pass time during quarantine my Mrs asked me to create a bird table. Now I'm in the shit because I only placed her in 17th.

[Iron Duke]

"geoffpikey 9:10 Mon Mar 30 That was funny and yes, I have stolen it."

[joe royal]

Why are the Chinese no good at cricket? Because they eat all the bats.

[ted fenton]

Funny As Fuck........... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJy_XOEtmqA

[The Stoat]

Greggs have announced that they are starting a delivery service by Drone soon It all sounds like Pie in the Sky to me

[Briano]

"I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Katie painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock...."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Got turned away from my local supermarket today even though I was wearing a mask. I guess The Green Lantern/Lone Ranger are not as popular on the re-run channel as I thought.

[The Stoat]

"Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I canÔøΩt remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Audi Sergeant: What kind of Audi was it? Husband: Audi A6 Avant Black Edition, Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter."

[ted fenton]

https://twitter.com/JLCauvin/status/1242515702688485376

[geoffpikey]

There'll be organised clapping for Amazon delivery drivers today. Anytime between 9am and 6pm.

[Exiled In Surrey]

HAVE YOU GOT SEX INSURANCE ? You can now get sex insurance in the UK so make sure you get correct insurance for the sex you are having . Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes: Sex with your partner - Legal and General. Sex on the telephone - Direct Line. Sex with your partner -Standard Life . Sex with someone different - Go Compare. Sex with a partner of generous proportions -More than. Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels. Sex paid for - Commercial Union . Sex with an employee -employers liability. Sex with an oap - Saga . Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident . Sex with animals - National Farmers Union. Sex with a monk- Abbey Life Sex with Navy Officers- Admiral Group.

[geoffpikey]

We live in strange times. I put the bins out Thursday night and the whole street gave me a round of applause.

[Keep dreaming]

Germany may be forced to put the production of sausages and cheese to a halt because of the pandemic. This is a wurst kaase scenario.

[ted fenton]

"Hi, all jokes aside our neighbour was taken into hospital last night with suspected covid , luckily he has been put on one of the new dyson ventilators and is now picking up nicely!"

[Jasnik]

Someone tried to rip me off with a toilet roll. 5 pounds a roll . I told him to shove it up his arse.

[ted fenton]

"Literally just ordered a Chinese to my house. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door and I start to walk out to meet him. He started shouting at me ""isolate isolate""ù. I said mate calm the fuck down you're not that late I only ordered half an hour ago !"

[jack flash]

"A plane carrying Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and a 12 year old boy is about to go down There are only 3 parachutes left Nicola Sturgeon shouts 'Ladies first, I'm the first lady of Scotland'. With that, she grabs a parachute and leaps out the plane Donald Trump beats his chest and says 'I'm the most intelligent and greatest leader of th most powerful nation on earth' With that, he grabs a parachute off the young boy and leaps out the plane Boris Johnson turns to the young boy and says 'Look son. You've got your full life ahead of you. I've done my bit, I've seen the country through one crisis after another and can't do much more. Here, take my parachute With that the young boy says 'Don't worry Boris, there's 2 parachutes left for us. That idiot Trump just grabbed my school kit bag before he leapt out!'"

[The_Phantom]

"Have started uncontrollably singing Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby and Dean Martin songs. Concerned I might croonervirus"

[Ridikzappa]

"Burger King, KFC and McDonalds have announced that they are responding to the Covid-19 crisis by introducing a policy for regular handwashing for all their members of staff."

[wd40]

Police now have powers to break up groups let hope they start with coldplay.

[roltrader]

"We are only a few days into self isolation and it's really upsetting me to witness my other half standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space, with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this, and I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up. I've even considered letting her come in, but rules are rules."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Coevid-19.Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-14

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Pritti Patel has already put out a call for additional security staff. A BBC spokesman said earlier that the police station at Toytown had been called twice but they were otherwise engaged with someone accused of impersonating Gary Linaker. Camberwick Creen nick had also been contacted but everyone was helping out at Windy Miller's harvest gathering. The Woodentops have said they will help but only if ""A little weed"" from behind the garden shed and ""falling down the stairs"" was involved. Postman Pat said he'd try and make sure mail was delivered but at the moment he was busy looking for his black and white cat, last seen in the vicinity of the Chinese restaurant. Sooty ruled himself right out as he still believes the police suffer from institutionalised racism. Bob the Builder would only do it for cash in hand. Onto transport issues, the Fat Controller said most services were fine apart from being an engine short on the branch like. He said ""What I really need is another Thomas the Tank to ease the pressure""."

[ted fenton]

"If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the Subject ""Ding Dong""ù don't open it, they're Jehovah's Witnesses working from home !!"

[Mike Oxsaw]

"In order to determine if you qualify for exemption from the lock-down, define ÔøΩemergencyÔøΩ. Does one or more of these apply: - Prada emergency - Gucci emergency - Louis emergency - Dior emergency Or if you are from Essex: - red lipstick emergency - new shoes emergency - lace dress emergency"