THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Briano]

"I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Katie painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock...."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Got turned away from my local supermarket today even though I was wearing a mask. I guess The Green Lantern/Lone Ranger are not as popular on the re-run channel as I thought.

[The Stoat]

"Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I canÔøΩt remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Audi Sergeant: What kind of Audi was it? Husband: Audi A6 Avant Black Edition, Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter."

[ted fenton]

https://twitter.com/JLCauvin/status/1242515702688485376

[geoffpikey]

There'll be organised clapping for Amazon delivery drivers today. Anytime between 9am and 6pm.

[Exiled In Surrey]

HAVE YOU GOT SEX INSURANCE ? You can now get sex insurance in the UK so make sure you get correct insurance for the sex you are having . Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes: Sex with your partner - Legal and General. Sex on the telephone - Direct Line. Sex with your partner -Standard Life . Sex with someone different - Go Compare. Sex with a partner of generous proportions -More than. Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels. Sex paid for - Commercial Union . Sex with an employee -employers liability. Sex with an oap - Saga . Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident . Sex with animals - National Farmers Union. Sex with a monk- Abbey Life Sex with Navy Officers- Admiral Group.

[geoffpikey]

We live in strange times. I put the bins out Thursday night and the whole street gave me a round of applause.

[Keep dreaming]

Germany may be forced to put the production of sausages and cheese to a halt because of the pandemic. This is a wurst kaase scenario.

[ted fenton]

"Hi, all jokes aside our neighbour was taken into hospital last night with suspected covid , luckily he has been put on one of the new dyson ventilators and is now picking up nicely!"

[Jasnik]

Someone tried to rip me off with a toilet roll. 5 pounds a roll . I told him to shove it up his arse.

[ted fenton]

"Literally just ordered a Chinese to my house. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door and I start to walk out to meet him. He started shouting at me ""isolate isolate""ù. I said mate calm the fuck down you're not that late I only ordered half an hour ago !"

[jack flash]

"A plane carrying Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and a 12 year old boy is about to go down There are only 3 parachutes left Nicola Sturgeon shouts 'Ladies first, I'm the first lady of Scotland'. With that, she grabs a parachute and leaps out the plane Donald Trump beats his chest and says 'I'm the most intelligent and greatest leader of th most powerful nation on earth' With that, he grabs a parachute off the young boy and leaps out the plane Boris Johnson turns to the young boy and says 'Look son. You've got your full life ahead of you. I've done my bit, I've seen the country through one crisis after another and can't do much more. Here, take my parachute With that the young boy says 'Don't worry Boris, there's 2 parachutes left for us. That idiot Trump just grabbed my school kit bag before he leapt out!'"

[The_Phantom]

"Have started uncontrollably singing Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby and Dean Martin songs. Concerned I might croonervirus"

[Ridikzappa]

"Burger King, KFC and McDonalds have announced that they are responding to the Covid-19 crisis by introducing a policy for regular handwashing for all their members of staff."

[wd40]

Police now have powers to break up groups let hope they start with coldplay.

[roltrader]

"We are only a few days into self isolation and it's really upsetting me to witness my other half standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space, with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this, and I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up. I've even considered letting her come in, but rules are rules."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Coevid-19.Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-14

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Pritti Patel has already put out a call for additional security staff. A BBC spokesman said earlier that the police station at Toytown had been called twice but they were otherwise engaged with someone accused of impersonating Gary Linaker. Camberwick Creen nick had also been contacted but everyone was helping out at Windy Miller's harvest gathering. The Woodentops have said they will help but only if ""A little weed"" from behind the garden shed and ""falling down the stairs"" was involved. Postman Pat said he'd try and make sure mail was delivered but at the moment he was busy looking for his black and white cat, last seen in the vicinity of the Chinese restaurant. Sooty ruled himself right out as he still believes the police suffer from institutionalised racism. Bob the Builder would only do it for cash in hand. Onto transport issues, the Fat Controller said most services were fine apart from being an engine short on the branch like. He said ""What I really need is another Thomas the Tank to ease the pressure""."

[ted fenton]

"If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the Subject ""Ding Dong""ù don't open it, they're Jehovah's Witnesses working from home !!"

[Mike Oxsaw]

"In order to determine if you qualify for exemption from the lock-down, define ÔøΩemergencyÔøΩ. Does one or more of these apply: - Prada emergency - Gucci emergency - Louis emergency - Dior emergency Or if you are from Essex: - red lipstick emergency - new shoes emergency - lace dress emergency"

[Son of Sam]

Ted thats excellent nice one

[ted fenton]

"Just something to give everyone a giggle and smile At first I was afraid, I was petrified, There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried. Oh, how I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong, I used to wipe, And now I'm forced to just drip dry! No anti-bac! No bloody soap! And if you think you're buying pasta, well, you've got no hope! I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread, If I'd have known for just one second everyone would lose their head! Go on now go, walk out the door! You bloody stockpilers, You are not welcome any more! Weren't you ones who just bought all the sodding beans? You selfish gits! I hope you spill them down your jeans! Oh no not I, I won't panic buy! Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I'll stay alive, Though I can't buy my usual cheese This will not bring me to my knees And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey! It took all the strength I had not to not to fall apart, There was just apples and a carrot in my shopping cart, And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself, The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor! And you'll see me, somebody who, Cannot buy anything she came for, and it's down to you And frickin' Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin' git! Because he stockpiled all the loo roll no one else can have a s@*t! (x2) Go on now go, walk out the door! You bloody stockpilers, You are not welcome any more! Weren't you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes? Can't you make a crumble, Do you people not know how to bake? Oh no not I, I won't panic buy! Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I'll stay alive, Though I can't buy my usual cheese This will not bring me to my knees And I'll survive, I will survive!"

[Coffee]

"Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, ""Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"" ""Well,"" replied the Queen, ""the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."" Trump frowned, and then asked, ""But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"" The Queen took a sip of tea. ""Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."" The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. ""Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, ""Yes, Your Majesty?"" The Queen smiled and said, ""Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, ""That would be me."" ""Yes! Very good,"" said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. "" Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"" ""I'm not sure,"" said Pence. ""Let me get back to you on that one."" He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, ""Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"" Jack Murphy answered right back, ""That's easy, it's me!"" Pence smiled, and said, ""Thanks!"" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. ""Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, ""No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"""

[Westside]

"For some reason, at the moment, I just can't stop singing Kylie Minogue songs around the house. Driving the wife crazy. She says if I don't stop, she'll leave me. I Should Be So Lucky."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"I just went down the shops to buy some provisions. I tried to follow the advice and self-distance, but there was nobody was about to self-distance from. I had to identify as a crowd then run like fuck from myself to follow the rules. I'm knackered. This ain't gonna work."