THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

My neighbour is an airline pilot for Virgin Airways and currently on furlough. He came round my house today to help me decorate. Have to admit he's done a cracking job on the Landing. I thank you

[BRANDED]

Man walks into a pub Lucky fucking cսnt

[Briano]

Yes usually on a Bloody Sunday

[the coming of gary]

thats because he looks where the streets have no name .

[ted fenton]

Headlines : 'Bono helps Ireland's search for medical supplies' Is that wise? The bloke's not got a great record of finding what he's looking for ..

[Willtell]

Excellent Ted!

[ted fenton]

"HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE. The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have people round,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!"

[ted fenton]

I've washed my hands so much I've uncovered a Nightclub stamp from 40 years ago :-)

[Briano]

"To pass the time during quarantine the missus and I have been sexting..it was all a bit of fun until she said ""òbabe can you put a few Xxxx's at the of each text So I signed off Nikki, Jacqui, Lauren, Emma She called me a fucking prick and won't play anymore"

[Mr Anon]

To pass time during quarantine my Mrs asked me to create a bird table. Now I'm in the shit because I only placed her in 17th.

[Iron Duke]

"geoffpikey 9:10 Mon Mar 30 That was funny and yes, I have stolen it."

[joe royal]

Why are the Chinese no good at cricket? Because they eat all the bats.

[ted fenton]

Funny As Fuck........... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJy_XOEtmqA

[The Stoat]

Greggs have announced that they are starting a delivery service by Drone soon It all sounds like Pie in the Sky to me

[Briano]

"I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Katie painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock...."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Got turned away from my local supermarket today even though I was wearing a mask. I guess The Green Lantern/Lone Ranger are not as popular on the re-run channel as I thought.

[The Stoat]

"Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I canÔøΩt remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Audi Sergeant: What kind of Audi was it? Husband: Audi A6 Avant Black Edition, Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter."

[ted fenton]

https://twitter.com/JLCauvin/status/1242515702688485376

[geoffpikey]

There'll be organised clapping for Amazon delivery drivers today. Anytime between 9am and 6pm.

[Exiled In Surrey]

HAVE YOU GOT SEX INSURANCE ? You can now get sex insurance in the UK so make sure you get correct insurance for the sex you are having . Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes: Sex with your partner - Legal and General. Sex on the telephone - Direct Line. Sex with your partner -Standard Life . Sex with someone different - Go Compare. Sex with a partner of generous proportions -More than. Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels. Sex paid for - Commercial Union . Sex with an employee -employers liability. Sex with an oap - Saga . Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident . Sex with animals - National Farmers Union. Sex with a monk- Abbey Life Sex with Navy Officers- Admiral Group.

[geoffpikey]

We live in strange times. I put the bins out Thursday night and the whole street gave me a round of applause.

[Keep dreaming]

Germany may be forced to put the production of sausages and cheese to a halt because of the pandemic. This is a wurst kaase scenario.

[ted fenton]

"Hi, all jokes aside our neighbour was taken into hospital last night with suspected covid , luckily he has been put on one of the new dyson ventilators and is now picking up nicely!"

[Jasnik]

Someone tried to rip me off with a toilet roll. 5 pounds a roll . I told him to shove it up his arse.

[ted fenton]

"Literally just ordered a Chinese to my house. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door and I start to walk out to meet him. He started shouting at me ""isolate isolate""ù. I said mate calm the fuck down you're not that late I only ordered half an hour ago !"