THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Briano]

The CEO of Dulux was found dead on a ski resort mountain yesterday Swiss police said he could have done with another coat

[Aalborg Hammer]

"After proposing to his girlfriend at the weekend, Paddy drove to Brighton for a night of passion. As he pulled up at a red light, he slid his hand under her skirt above her stockings. She whispered in his ear, ""Now we are engaged, you can go further."" So Paddy drove on to Bournemouth"

[The Stoat]

I can't believe I just spent £300 on hiring a limousine and found out the fee does not include the driver! All that money and nothing to chauffeur it

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I went out with a girl called Lyndsey Doyle, she used to smell like a cricket bat"

[Slow_Joe]

What do you call a bullet proof Irishman? Rick O'shea

[Aalborg Hammer]

It's the Lions versus the Wallabies today and I think I know what the result will be. I'll get sacked from Longleat Safari Park.

[ted fenton]

"Marcus Coutain's lawyer, Tim Rustem, said his arrest by police and knee hold ""mirrored almost identically what happened to George Floyd"". Actually it is identical. Nigger out committing crime gets caught by the police."

[Aalborg Hammer]

On TV the other night: 'The man with the 10 stone testicles.' Not sure if it's about a rare medical condition or about Jedward's dad.

[Manip]

Aalborg Hammer. Quality. swt.

[Coffee]

"*THEY are so bad, they're good."

[Coffee]

Bloody hell. That's so bad. It's good.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My wife is so pessimistic. If there were an Olympics of pessimism, she wouldn't fancy her chances."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Every time I leave my house I am followed by a bird with long legs I think I am being Storked

[Aalborg Hammer]

What do you called an Aardvark that gets beaten up all the time? A Vark

[Aalborg Hammer]

Why in Game Of Thrones do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they push two twins together to make a king.

[The Stoat]

"Two English tourists were driving through Wales At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: ""Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?""ù The girl leaned over and said: ""Burrr""¶ gurrr""¶ King.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

*doffs cap at The Stoat* Very good Sir!!

[lab]

The Stoat ....ten out of ten .

[The Stoat]

"If anybody wants a list of all the famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc."

[geoffpikey]

"How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb? Steven Actually my dyslexic mate Steven just told me he's got a job at NASA. Amazing! Yeah,"" he says, ""I start stocking shelves but I'll get on the tills eventually."" Actually, they've reportedly found a cure for dyslexia Music to my arse"

[Nutsin]

"Mirkwood, ag ag ag ag!"

[ted fenton]

2020 The year my bin went out more than me !!!!

[Mirkwood]

"Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks, ""What's wrong with Stout?"" Bloke says, ""I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."" Barman says, ""12 pints of anything costs about the same."" Bloke replies, ""Skint's my dog."""

[Coffee]

jfk 12:35 Thu Jun 25 :-)

[jfk]

"LDLLWLLL , I thought this was a place in Wales but turns out its West Ham's form."