THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mate who has a stutter was telling us about his nana. By the time he was finished we were all singing hey Jude.

[joyo]

I've found an app that tracks illegal immigrants..... UBER

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke and his wife were reading the evening paper. She said there is an advert here for a pedigree Alsatian dog ¬£50, He said it must be a misprint they are 10 times that much. But he called and the woman who answered said that the price was correct so he went to have a look at the dog The dog was sitting by the fire and he was a beauty ""Only ¬£50 are you sure he is a pedigree""ù the man said ""Oh! Yes""ù said the woman ""why don't you ask him, he is such a high class pedigree he speaks English all the time and a few words of French""ù The dog looked at the man and said ""Why don't you clear off and leave me alone, I get 2 hours by this fire every day and I don't want some bloke bothering me while I am sitting here. I heard you ask if I was a pedigree, well my Dad was top show dog for 3 years running, my Mom was a Super bitch 4 years running. I have three sisters and two brothers we have won that many trophies our owners had to have a house extension to put them in. I was taken into the drug squad when I was 3 years old and found over,¬£1,000,000 of Heroin and Cannabis in just 12 months, later I was working for the bomb squad and found two bombs, Finally as a rescue dog I saved lives all over the world and now I am retired with a pension""ù ""Wow""ù said the man ""why do you want to get rid of this dog""ù ""Because he's Bloody liar,""ù said the woman"

[ted fenton]

"I went to the beach and it was packed. Then I noticed a tall black guy walking among the crowds, selling his African trinkets and carved wood. I went up to him and asked for his help. ""My wife's here somewhere. If you find her I'll give you £500. Just shout loud for her while you walk."" ""£500? Okay, what is her name?"" he asked. ""It's Ivy"", I replied. ""Ivy Bowler"". Picked a spot all to myself after that."

[The Stoat]

I just met a Chinese drug addict. He said have you seen my cocaine? I said not since he starred in Zulu

[Briano]

The CEO of Dulux was found dead on a ski resort mountain yesterday Swiss police said he could have done with another coat

[Aalborg Hammer]

"After proposing to his girlfriend at the weekend, Paddy drove to Brighton for a night of passion. As he pulled up at a red light, he slid his hand under her skirt above her stockings. She whispered in his ear, ""Now we are engaged, you can go further."" So Paddy drove on to Bournemouth"

[The Stoat]

I can't believe I just spent £300 on hiring a limousine and found out the fee does not include the driver! All that money and nothing to chauffeur it

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I went out with a girl called Lyndsey Doyle, she used to smell like a cricket bat"

[Slow_Joe]

What do you call a bullet proof Irishman? Rick O'shea

[Aalborg Hammer]

It's the Lions versus the Wallabies today and I think I know what the result will be. I'll get sacked from Longleat Safari Park.

[ted fenton]

"Marcus Coutain's lawyer, Tim Rustem, said his arrest by police and knee hold ""mirrored almost identically what happened to George Floyd"". Actually it is identical. Nigger out committing crime gets caught by the police."

[Aalborg Hammer]

On TV the other night: 'The man with the 10 stone testicles.' Not sure if it's about a rare medical condition or about Jedward's dad.

[Manip]

Aalborg Hammer. Quality. swt.

[Coffee]

"*THEY are so bad, they're good."

[Coffee]

Bloody hell. That's so bad. It's good.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My wife is so pessimistic. If there were an Olympics of pessimism, she wouldn't fancy her chances."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Every time I leave my house I am followed by a bird with long legs I think I am being Storked

[Aalborg Hammer]

What do you called an Aardvark that gets beaten up all the time? A Vark

[Aalborg Hammer]

Why in Game Of Thrones do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they push two twins together to make a king.

[The Stoat]

"Two English tourists were driving through Wales At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: ""Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?""ù The girl leaned over and said: ""Burrr""¶ gurrr""¶ King.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

*doffs cap at The Stoat* Very good Sir!!

[lab]

The Stoat ....ten out of ten .

[The Stoat]

"If anybody wants a list of all the famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc."

[geoffpikey]

"How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb? Steven Actually my dyslexic mate Steven just told me he's got a job at NASA. Amazing! Yeah,"" he says, ""I start stocking shelves but I'll get on the tills eventually."" Actually, they've reportedly found a cure for dyslexia Music to my arse"