THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe . 'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin."""

[Willtell]

"Now I'm getting older I find that I only use 3 shops. Spec savers, Boots and Greggs. My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls...."

[Bungo]

"Viewer: This programme is really boring. Manager: Once again, this is a Zoom meeting."

[ted fenton]

"Jimmy Tarbuck addresses the Liverpool crowded stadium..... ""We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers (Liverpudlians) are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?"" Jingo gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Tarbuck asks him ""What is 15 plus 15?"" After 15 or 20 seconds Jingo says, ""Eighteen!"" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting ""Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"" Tarbuck says ""Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks ""What is 5 plus 5?"" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ""Ninety?"" Tarbuck looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Jingo starts crying, but then the 45,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting....... ""GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"" Tarbuck, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good, eventually says, "" What is 2 plus 2?"" Silence hangs over the stadium. Jingo closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, ""Four?"" Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouser crowd stands to a man, waving their arms, stomping their feet and screaming ............. ""GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"""

[Sniper]

"Speaking of farm animals, I recently went walking through a field when I saw an old farmer leaning on a walking stick, tears rolling down his face I asked him what was wrong and could I help at all. He looked at me with intense gratitude as he said ""òMy sheep dog got run over yesterday, and I can't walk properly. Could you round up my 297 sheep for me?' ""òSure,' I said, ""ò300' and I left him to his thoughts."

[ted fenton]

"Me and the wife were driving to visit some family . She starts as usual ""watch that tree, slow down, ""moaning away , anyway got so heated we ended up not speaking. Next thing the stupid sat nav leads us down this narrow lane to a farm yard by mistake . She looks at the pigs, sheep and cows and says sarcastically ""relatives of yours?"" I replied ""yeah in-laws"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was so wet. She moaned softly at first then began to groan louder. Finally, she screamed loudly ""Okay, okay!! You smug bastard! You park the **** car!!""."

[WSM Hammer]

"Despite getting A-level results of A, B, B, A it seems that no employer will take a chance on me!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Went to the gym earlier, while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in. So anyway... she's made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life"

[ted fenton]

"IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN WHERE YOU'LL BE SINGING THIS ALL DAY üôÇ A mate of mine was scuba diving when he was attacked by a snake-like creature which kept biting at his face mask, and he asked me what it might be. I told him ""When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie .... that's a Moray!"""

[Nutsin]

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!

[Nutsin]

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint!

[Manip]

I Had A Teacher At School Called Mr Turtle. Strange Name. But He Tortoise Well. swt

[Exiled In Surrey]

What is the square root of 69? Ate something.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The circus midget married couple went to the midwife for her first scan of the new baby. The nurse says ""Do you care what it is??"" ""No"" says the husband ""as long as it fits in the cannon"""

[Iron Duke]

"Plankton, it's been done before. 1983 I think."

[147man]

My mum and dad were both dwarves They struggled their whole lives to put food on the table

[plankton]

"Not sure if this has been done before... apologies if so, _____________________ A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ""handy-woman"". She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood and eventually went to the front door of her first house, where she asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. ""Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"" he said, ""How much will you charge me?"" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ""How about $50?"" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ""Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"" He responded, ""That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"" The wife replied, ""You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."" Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. ""You're finished already?"" the startled husband asked. ""Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."" Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. ""And, by the way,"" the teenager added, ""it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."""

[ted fenton]

"This prisoner escapes after 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: ""Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."" To which the wife responds, ""He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I was cooking tea tonight. The recipe said to ensure the oven was set at 180 degrees. I did that. But now its facing the wall I can't open the door.

[eswing hammer]

"There's a bloke up our pub who's addicted to brake fluid , he reckons he can stop at any time !"

[ted fenton]

I've just been on that Welsh dating site. Ewe switch

[Aalborg Hammer]

Charles Darwin doesn't play Fifa 20.... ....he's more of a pro Evolution guy Aww yeah.

[Exiled In Surrey]

"Two guys having a beer. ""Do you like smelly women with bad breath?""ù ""No way""ù ""How about a woman that can fit a watermelon up her pussy?""ù ""Christ no""ù ""Why are you fuckin my wife then?""ù"

[ted fenton]

"To Be 8 again! A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, the Death Slide, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you flaming retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong."