THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Everyone remembers the historical figure,Karl Marx. But no-one remembers his sister,Onya,who invented the starting pistol"

[Willtell]

"Covid means we now clean the house with anti-viral wipes daily. My wife did the TV screen but since then we can't get BBC News, Channel 4 news or Sky News..."

[penners28]

Played football yesterday on a shit surface! Was all rubble and compacted bricks Still...we won 5-4 on aggregate...

[Mirkwood]

"Met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, ""Where the Fuck did you meet her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth."" I said, "" There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf."""

[boleyn8420]

"Boy asks his Dad. ""Dad can you explain solar eclipse to me"" Dad replies ""No son"" It takes me 10 minutes to walk to my local pub and 35 minutes to walk home. The difference is staggering Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with Arthritis. He told reporters ""I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes"""

[claret on my shirt]

"Met a women down the pub last night who cleans her minge with floor cleaner, flash cսnt!"

[Mike Oxsaw]

The inventor of Gore-Tex has died at the age of 83. His family say there WILL be a dry eye in the house.

[Willtell]

A beginner's guide to chromosomes: XY - Male XX - Female YYY - Delilah

[Aalborg Hammer]

I have been trying to understand this LGBTQ business; but I can't get a straight answer.

[The Stoat]

"Two Policemen knocked on the door earlier. ""Evening, we just doing covid spot checks"" says one of the policemen, ""how many people you have in there??"" He asks. ""6"" I said. "" Can we come in and check?"" ""No""ù. I said ""Why not?"" ""Because that would make it 8!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q.What's 'Jargon?' A. It's what people in Dorset do to keep fit.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bill Gates was going to name his next kid after the man he respects so much these days, Elon Musk. But he thought that would be stretching it a bit ...."

[Willtell]

"The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe . 'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin."""

[Willtell]

"Now I'm getting older I find that I only use 3 shops. Spec savers, Boots and Greggs. My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls...."

[Bungo]

"Viewer: This programme is really boring. Manager: Once again, this is a Zoom meeting."

[ted fenton]

"Jimmy Tarbuck addresses the Liverpool crowded stadium..... ""We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers (Liverpudlians) are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?"" Jingo gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Tarbuck asks him ""What is 15 plus 15?"" After 15 or 20 seconds Jingo says, ""Eighteen!"" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting ""Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"" Tarbuck says ""Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks ""What is 5 plus 5?"" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ""Ninety?"" Tarbuck looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Jingo starts crying, but then the 45,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting....... ""GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"" Tarbuck, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good, eventually says, "" What is 2 plus 2?"" Silence hangs over the stadium. Jingo closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, ""Four?"" Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouser crowd stands to a man, waving their arms, stomping their feet and screaming ............. ""GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"""

[Sniper]

"Speaking of farm animals, I recently went walking through a field when I saw an old farmer leaning on a walking stick, tears rolling down his face I asked him what was wrong and could I help at all. He looked at me with intense gratitude as he said ""òMy sheep dog got run over yesterday, and I can't walk properly. Could you round up my 297 sheep for me?' ""òSure,' I said, ""ò300' and I left him to his thoughts."

[ted fenton]

"Me and the wife were driving to visit some family . She starts as usual ""watch that tree, slow down, ""moaning away , anyway got so heated we ended up not speaking. Next thing the stupid sat nav leads us down this narrow lane to a farm yard by mistake . She looks at the pigs, sheep and cows and says sarcastically ""relatives of yours?"" I replied ""yeah in-laws"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was so wet. She moaned softly at first then began to groan louder. Finally, she screamed loudly ""Okay, okay!! You smug bastard! You park the **** car!!""."

[WSM Hammer]

"Despite getting A-level results of A, B, B, A it seems that no employer will take a chance on me!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Went to the gym earlier, while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in. So anyway... she's made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life"

[ted fenton]

"IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN WHERE YOU'LL BE SINGING THIS ALL DAY üôÇ A mate of mine was scuba diving when he was attacked by a snake-like creature which kept biting at his face mask, and he asked me what it might be. I told him ""When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie .... that's a Moray!"""

[Nutsin]

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!

[Nutsin]

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint!

[Manip]

I Had A Teacher At School Called Mr Turtle. Strange Name. But He Tortoise Well. swt