THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"A bloke I work with told me he was going to end his life by pouring a gallon of petrol over himself and putting a match to it. I told him, ""Ahmed, it's at times like this you need your family around you."""

[The Stoat]

ted ;-)

[ted fenton]

"Grealish apparently made a official complaint to the referee after the game, regarding Coufal and social distancing he winged that there was never 2 metres between them the whole game :-)"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A rich bloke from Barnsley goes to the jewellers ""can tha mek us a gold statue o mi dog?"" Jeweller asks ""duz tha want it 18 carat?"" ""no chewin a bone yer daft twat"""

[The Stoat]

BKnowles21 2:07 Wed Feb 3 Don't look like he has any spare time going by hislatest diary entry ;-) Criticize Wank Criticize Wank Criticize Wank Criticize Wank Criticize Wank Criticize Wank

[BKnowles21]

Dandy Lyon 10:48 Mon Feb 1 You seriously need to find something better to do with your time.

[riosleftsock]

"Do you remember when people scoffed at the mere idea of Mel Gibson successfully portraying a scotsman? Well they're not laughing at the racist alcoholic now, are they?"

[ted fenton]

"A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'"

[Nurse Ratched]

*chuckles*

[Hermit Road]

I had it down as Rachmaninoff

[Nurse Ratched]

"""I'll be Bach""?"

[The Stoat]

"Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in their new Hollywood blockbuster The Great Composers ÔøΩI'll be BeethovenÔøΩ said Stallone. ÔøΩI'll be MozartÔøΩ added Willis. ÔøΩWhat about you, Arnie?ÔøΩ they askedÔøΩ...."

[ted fenton]

Spooky Indeed ! Dandelions are like the homeless people of the flower world. Give them a little crack and a bit of water and they can thrive anywhere.

[Jasnik]

spooky I was just talking about eating dandelions today. this is not a joke

[Jasnik]

spooky I was just talking about eating dandelions today.

[ted fenton]

"A teacher asks her students to use the word Dandelion in a sentence Leroy raises his hand and says, the cheetah is faster dandelion."

[Side of Ham]

Bloke called Dandy walks into the joke thread and ends up being the joke...... :-)

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q.What do you call a duck with no body,no feet and no head ? A.Bill *doffs cap at Dandy Lyon waiting to pounce*"

[Dandy Lyon]

But you said she had trouble identifying the letters H and T so why would she thinking fisting if she can't identify it? Sounds like she has trouble differentiating and mistook the H for a T. You're welcome.

[The Stoat]

SecondOpinion 1:21 Sun Jan 31 ;-)

[SecondOpinion]

@ Dandy Lyon So the note I left her about going fisTing has led to us breaking up Clear enough? If you need anymore help...

[The Stoat]

Dandy Lyon 6:27 Sat Jan 30 Is that aimed at me?

[The Stoat]

"I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week. I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, It's what he would have wanted."

[Dandy Lyon]

Wanna try that one again?

[The Stoat]

Unfortunately the girlfriend has trouble identifying the the letters T & H So the note I left her about going fishing has led to us breaking up