THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

Hahaha These should make Dandy Lyon smile :-)

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 9:11 Mon Apr 12 Or his Brother Skyd who invented brown pants

[ted fenton]

"Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist, but very few people know about his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. What do you call a magician who's lost his magic? A. Ian

[Helmut Shown]

"Three blokes go on a ski trip together. When they get to the ski lodge there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the bloke on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, ""Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.""ù The bloke on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that he's had the same dream, too. The bloke in the middle says, ""Wow that's funny, I dreamt I was skiing.""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month

[Aalborg Hammer]

JustÔªø went to see a faith healer perform. He was so bad Ôªøeven a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. What do you call an Aardvark that gets beaten up all the time? A . A Vark

[brabrook]

"Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'"

[joe royal]

"I rung up work this morning.. ""My wife died last night."" I explained. ""I'm going to need some time off."" ""Oh my goodness, that's awful."" Replied the secretary. ""We understand though, take as much time off as you need."" ""Thank you."" I said. ""It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."""

[Darlo Debs]

Bunch of 5 lads come out of Elland Road after having their covid jabs singing I Predict A Riot -They are the Pfizer Chiefs.

[The Stoat]

The other day I spotted an Albino Dalmation Well it was the least I could do for him

[arsene york-hunt]

"Martians land in london on a research probe. They start by watching TV and the adverts are on. They mission commander immediately calls back to mission control and says: "" Our navigation is faulty, we've landed in fucking Africa!"""

[ted fenton]

"I'm just back from Tesco's I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: ""Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy.""ù Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : ""It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.""ù At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : ""William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.""ù Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad ""It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.""ù ""Thanks,""ù said the Granddad. ""But I am William. The little sods name is Kevin ü§£üôà"

[ted fenton]

"If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the Subject ""Ding Dong""ù don't open it, they're Jehovah's Witnesses working from home"

[Coffee]

riosleftsock 9:16 Thu Mar 18 Ha ha!

[claret on my shirt]

How do you get 1000 Ethiopians in a telephone box? Throw in a tin of baked beans! How do get them all out? Run past the phone box with a tin opener

[riosleftsock]

"""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""Consonant please"" ""and another Consonant please"" Pickle playing Polish Countdown"

[The Stoat]

Russia has its first COVID19 victim - Ivor Chestikov.

[joe royal]

"An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'"

[ted fenton]

"A Secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss. She sent her boss a 'Thank you' note via SMS. The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message: ""Your Penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks"" Moral: Space is essential in every successful married life."

[Dandy Lyon]

My god these get worse

[Westside]

"A 50-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of the indecent assault and murder of Stuart Lubbock at the home of Michael Barrymore Mr Lubbock, 31, was found dead in the TV presenter's pool in Roydon, Essex, in March 2001. As a result, the BBC have decided to broadcast, the comedy series they made about the incident. Only Pools and Corpses."

[ted fenton]

"A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.' 'I'm sorry sir, I...........' 'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.' Well it is St.Paddy's day :-)"

[Aalborg Hammer]

what does a dwarf get when he runs between a woman's legs ? A flap across the face 'n a clit around the ear