THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[lab]

Excellent Stoat

[The Stoat]

"A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years. The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?' She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . .."

[ted fenton]

"A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ""Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?""ù The rabbi responded, ""Yes, that is still one of our laws.""ù The priest then asked, "" Have you ever eaten pork?""ù To which the rabbi replied, ""Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.""ù The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ""Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?""ù The priest replied, ""Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith""ù The rabbi then asked him, ""Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?""ù The priest replied, ""Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.""ù The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, ""Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I used to be in an 80's Indie Band called ""Prevention"" We were better than The Cure."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A dung beetle walks into a bar and says ""Is this stool taken?"""

[brabrook]

ALBINO !! You can't say fairer than that

[The Stoat]

My Wife suggested thet if I got bored this weekend then I could make a bird table Now she's kicking off because I only put her in seventh place

[Dandy Lyon]

I'll take that as a yes

[ted fenton]

"A man goes on holiday to Barcelona and decides to go for a meal in town. A fancy bistro catches his eye so he walks in and orders paella. Whilst he's waiting he spots his waiter serving a man's meal. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. ""Excuse me senor"" he says to the waiter just before he walks past his table. ""That dish you served to the gentleman over there, what is it?"" ""Ahh, that senor is our most popular dish. The bulls testicles"" ""Really?"" the man says in a surprised manor. ""It looks and smells great! Is it too late to change my order?"" ""No it is not senor but I'm afraid you cannot have the bulls testicles"" ""Why not?"" ""There is only one bull fight a day senor so only one meal can be ordered a day. If you come back early tomorrow you can order it then"" The man is disappointed and so he has his meal, goes back to his hotel and comes back the next day. First one through the door and orders the testicles. After a short wait his meal arrives. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. He tucks in and is amazed at the unbelievable taste and texture of what he thinks is by far the best thing he has ever eaten. After finishing, the waiter comes over. ""How was it senor? You like?"" ""That was the best thing I've ever eaten but I just had one slight issue"" ""Yes senor?"" ""Well, the dish you gave to the gentleman yesterday, the testicles on his plate seemed bigger than mine"" ""Ahh senor, sometimes the bull he wins"""

[Dandy Lyon]

"I assume the ""òusual rules' mentioned in the opening post mean utter gash?"

[Jonah Lomas]

What sort of flour do orphans bake with? Self raising.

[Darlo Debs]

I did apologise. Stupid stuff like that just makes me laugh.

[Mad Dog]

Fucking hell debs

[Darlo Debs]

One woman to.another...my husbaand is on the Dolly Parton diet Has it worked says her friend. Yes really well said the woman. Its made Jo Lean Jo Lean Jo Lean. Sorry.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom-toms beating very close to them. ""Oh! That doesn't sound too good"" one says to the other. As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said ""Yeah, our regular drummer is off sick""."

[riosleftsock]

Aalborg - very good.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A space craft landed in St Peter's Square A hatch opened and two little green aliens with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, ""I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"" ""Jesus Christ?!"" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. ""Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Nice bloke"". A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. ""Every two years?"" he shouted. ""We're still waiting for his second coming!"" ""Maybe he didn't like your beer?"" suggested the alien. ""Beer?"" replied the Pope. ""What in heaven's name does beer have to do with it?"" ""Well,"" said the alien. ""When he came to our planet, we bought him a beer. Why, what did you do?"""

[ted fenton]

"Anyone else wonder if the Queen ever props her quilt cover up to her neck whilst in bed and says ""Look I'm a stamp!"" ;-)"

[wd40]

"Think I'm getting old I walked into a record shop and said to the young lady standing behind the counter "" do you have anything by The Doors. She looks at him puzzled and replied "" only a fire extinguisher and the light switch."""

[ted fenton]

"Cardiologist and the Lexus Mechanic. A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his garage. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, ""Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Lexus, ""So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.""ù The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So how is it that I make ¬£24,000 a year and you make ¬£1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work? The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, ""Try doing it with the engine running!""ù"

[ted fenton]

"Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate kittens, puppies, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win...and the zombies will take over."

[wd40]

What has 840 legs and 15 teeth ?? The queue outside of Primark Monday morning . If you wish to complain about this this joke please refure to Primark or the local council estate not me.

[Iron Duke]

Do you know what boils my piss? Hotel kettles

[wd40]

"My lesbian cousin and her girlfriend bought me a Rolex for my birthday. Very generous of them, but it wasn't what l had in mind when they asked what l wanted for my birthday and l answered ""l wanna watch""."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Ted - I never actually watched that beyond the scenes in the ground before. I need new sides. p.s. Kenny Lynch was one of my brother's best mates. Together they were a comedy act without peer - or respect for anyone.