THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[brabrook]

ALBINO !! You can't say fairer than that

[The Stoat]

My Wife suggested thet if I got bored this weekend then I could make a bird table Now she's kicking off because I only put her in seventh place

[Dandy Lyon]

I'll take that as a yes

[ted fenton]

"A man goes on holiday to Barcelona and decides to go for a meal in town. A fancy bistro catches his eye so he walks in and orders paella. Whilst he's waiting he spots his waiter serving a man's meal. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. ""Excuse me senor"" he says to the waiter just before he walks past his table. ""That dish you served to the gentleman over there, what is it?"" ""Ahh, that senor is our most popular dish. The bulls testicles"" ""Really?"" the man says in a surprised manor. ""It looks and smells great! Is it too late to change my order?"" ""No it is not senor but I'm afraid you cannot have the bulls testicles"" ""Why not?"" ""There is only one bull fight a day senor so only one meal can be ordered a day. If you come back early tomorrow you can order it then"" The man is disappointed and so he has his meal, goes back to his hotel and comes back the next day. First one through the door and orders the testicles. After a short wait his meal arrives. The dish smells sublime, rich in colour with juices oozing from the two pieces of tender meat. He tucks in and is amazed at the unbelievable taste and texture of what he thinks is by far the best thing he has ever eaten. After finishing, the waiter comes over. ""How was it senor? You like?"" ""That was the best thing I've ever eaten but I just had one slight issue"" ""Yes senor?"" ""Well, the dish you gave to the gentleman yesterday, the testicles on his plate seemed bigger than mine"" ""Ahh senor, sometimes the bull he wins"""

[Dandy Lyon]

"I assume the ""òusual rules' mentioned in the opening post mean utter gash?"

[Jonah Lomas]

What sort of flour do orphans bake with? Self raising.

[Darlo Debs]

I did apologise. Stupid stuff like that just makes me laugh.

[Mad Dog]

Fucking hell debs

[Darlo Debs]

One woman to.another...my husbaand is on the Dolly Parton diet Has it worked says her friend. Yes really well said the woman. Its made Jo Lean Jo Lean Jo Lean. Sorry.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom-toms beating very close to them. ""Oh! That doesn't sound too good"" one says to the other. As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said ""Yeah, our regular drummer is off sick""."

[riosleftsock]

Aalborg - very good.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A space craft landed in St Peter's Square A hatch opened and two little green aliens with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, ""I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"" ""Jesus Christ?!"" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. ""Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Nice bloke"". A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. ""Every two years?"" he shouted. ""We're still waiting for his second coming!"" ""Maybe he didn't like your beer?"" suggested the alien. ""Beer?"" replied the Pope. ""What in heaven's name does beer have to do with it?"" ""Well,"" said the alien. ""When he came to our planet, we bought him a beer. Why, what did you do?"""

[ted fenton]

"Anyone else wonder if the Queen ever props her quilt cover up to her neck whilst in bed and says ""Look I'm a stamp!"" ;-)"

[wd40]

"Think I'm getting old I walked into a record shop and said to the young lady standing behind the counter "" do you have anything by The Doors. She looks at him puzzled and replied "" only a fire extinguisher and the light switch."""

[ted fenton]

"Cardiologist and the Lexus Mechanic. A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his garage. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, ""Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Lexus, ""So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.""ù The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So how is it that I make ¬£24,000 a year and you make ¬£1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work? The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, ""Try doing it with the engine running!""ù"

[ted fenton]

"Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate kittens, puppies, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win...and the zombies will take over."

[wd40]

What has 840 legs and 15 teeth ?? The queue outside of Primark Monday morning . If you wish to complain about this this joke please refure to Primark or the local council estate not me.

[Iron Duke]

Do you know what boils my piss? Hotel kettles

[wd40]

"My lesbian cousin and her girlfriend bought me a Rolex for my birthday. Very generous of them, but it wasn't what l had in mind when they asked what l wanted for my birthday and l answered ""l wanna watch""."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Ted - I never actually watched that beyond the scenes in the ground before. I need new sides. p.s. Kenny Lynch was one of my brother's best mates. Together they were a comedy act without peer - or respect for anyone.

[ted fenton]

Pre-Woke https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzFkLfubDpw

[The Stoat]

"Young buffalo: 'Dad, what does it mean if I like cows and bulls'? 'Means you're Bi, son'"

[The Stoat]

"Three parrots are for sale at a pet shop for £250, £150 and £20. A woman asks ""why is that one so cheap ?"" The shopkeeper replies ""It used to live in a brothel and says some vulgar stuff."" The woman thinks its funny and buy's the parrot. When the woman gets home the parrot says ""blimey, a new brothel,"" and the woman laughs. Next her two teenage daughters come home from work and the parrot says ""blimey new hookers!"" and they all laugh. Finally the woman's husband arrives home and the parrot says , ""Blimey Ted I haven't seen you for weeks !"""

[The Stoat]

"Marriage guidance counsellor; ""What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?""ù Husband; ""In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.""ù Wife; ""Seven weeks.""ù"

[The Stoat]

"A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. ""Nurse,""' he mumbles from behind the mask, ""are my testicles black?"" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ""I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."" He struggles to ask again, ""Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, ""There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."" The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, ""Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"""