THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[lab]

Took me a couple of minutes Aalborg ! Funny!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A lot of blokes have nicknames for their penises and I was recently given a nickname for mine. It was by a woman while she was giving me a blowjob. She named it the Impaler, at least that's what I thought. Turns out she was asthmatic and it's my fault she died."

[riosleftsock]

"Doctors treating Inter Milan midfielder Christian Eriksen have said he will never be able to play top level football again. So, a return to spurs is definitely on then."

[Manip]

"Just heard that Harry Kane has visited Christian Ericksen in Hospital. ""He's just managing to string some words together now, so he's making good progress"" said Ericksen. swt."

[Aalborg Hammer]

It's 'Caribbean Hair Day' at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.

[Willtell]

Aalborg & Ted Ag ag ag ag...

[The Stoat]

I went to the shop the other day to get some tablets for the dishwasher. She had a bad headache and needed paracetamol.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Someone keeps sending me bunches of flowers with their heads pulled off...I think I'm being stalked

[ted fenton]

"My Muslim neighbour said to me ""I saw into the future in my dream. I saw a banner over Buckingham Palace which made everybody in London happy"" ""What did it say?"" ""Allahu Akbar!"" he bellowed. ""Well Mohammed, in my dream I saw the Mecca of the future. And there was a banner flying which made all of the people there happy."" ""What did it say?"" he asked. ""Dunno mate, I can't speak Hebrew!"" I answered."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. They wake up one morning and the mother-in-law is missing. They find her in the back garden, face-to-face with a tiger. The wife says ""We have to do something! What should we do?"" He goes, ""Listen, that tiger got itself into that position and he can find his own damn way out of it."""

[joyo]

What have Yoko Ono and Somalians got in common? Both live off dead Beatles

[The Stoat]

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasnÔøΩt much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every other answer and came second"

[Coffee]

"Dear Mr Lukaschenko, Next Friday, my mother-in-law will be flying on RyanAir flight RY1254 from London to Moscow. For some days, she's been expressing her deep concern about your regime. Just wanted to quickly share that with you. Yours most sincerely,"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"'Welcome to the 'Owning up to Flatulence Club' but I warn you,it's not for the 'Ain't Farted'"

[arsene york-hunt]

"Bloke out for a walk with his bird. She says ""I'm just popping behind this bush for a pee."" Bloke sneaks behind the other side of the bush and sticks his hand up her crutch and the withdraws it in horror. "" 'ere, you changed your sex."" he exclaimed. ""No,"" she replied ""I've changed my mind, I'm 'avin' a shit."""

[ted fenton]

Does anyone know how long to cook those boil in the bag fish that you win at the fair ?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I took my girlfriend Eileen to an orgy party last week, You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners."

[onfiresquire]

Surfinglizard wrote... Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Why can't you get headache tablets in South America? Parrots eat em all. I'm a fan of Golfmates too

[Surfinglizard]

Why can't you get headache tablets in South America? Parrots eat em all.

[ted fenton]

"A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ""Dark in here."" Man: ""Yes it is."" Boy: ""I have a baseball."" Man: ""That's nice."" Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" Man: ""No, thanks."" Boy: ""My dad's outside."" Man: ""OK, how much?"" Boy: ""£250."" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ""Dark in here."" Man: ""Yes, it is."" Boy: ""I have a baseball glove."" Man: ""That's nice."" Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" Man: ""No, thanks."" Boy: ""I'll tell."" Man: ""How much?"" Boy: ""£750."" Man: ""Fine."" A few days later, the father says to the boy, ""Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"" The boy says, ""I can't. I sold them."" The father asks, ""How much did you sell them for?"" The son says, ""£1,000."" The father says, ""That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."" They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ""Dark in here."" The priest says, ""Don't start that shit again!!"""

[The Stoat]

"Valmeira of Latvia, Maribor of Slovenia and Honka of Finland are some of the clubs Tottenham Hotspur could face in this years Europa Conference League. If youÔøΩve not heard of them before theyÔøΩre a small team that play in North London"

[The Stoat]

IÔøΩm reading a great book about an immortal dog IÔøΩm finding it impossible to put down.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Demi Lovato is now non-binary. Someone else we can't count on.

[Mike Oxsaw]

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