THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Troy McClure]

How do you make a nun pregnant? Fuck her.

[chim chim cha boo]

Two sausages and an egg are in a frying pan and the egg says 'fucking hell it's hot in here ain't it'? One sausage turns to the other and screams 'JESUS CHRIST- A TALKING EGG!' Sorry.

[ray winstone]

Aalborg Hammer 12:44 Sat Jul 10 Was that meant for the Priti Patel thread?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"If you're always organising things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD."

[The Stoat]

"An eskimo is having problems with his pick up truck so he takes it to the garage. The mechanic says he's busy for a while but tells the eskimo to leave it with him and go and get something to eat and come back later. The eskimo returns and the mechanic says ""Looks like you've blown a seal"" The eskimo says ""No it must be mayonnaise off my chicken sandwich"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Sorry-wrong thread -silly old sod

[Aalborg Hammer]

Lovely giblets

[brabrook]

"Our father, who art in Wembley, Southgate be thy name. The cup will come, Kane's work will be done, in London as it was in Rome Give us this day our daily pint And forgive Sterling's offside trespasses, as we forgive those who bet against us. And lead us not into under-achievement. But deliver us the title. For football's coming home. The history and the glory. Forever and ever. Our men."

[The Stoat]

"Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, ""You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."" On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, ""How did you do over the weekend?"" ""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."" ""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "" ""I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."" ""That's admirable,"" says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. ""And how did you do?"" ""Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."" ""Wow!"" says the judge. ""156 people! How did you manage to do that?"" ""Well, I used a similar diagram,"" the guy says. ""I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butt hole before prison.................."

[brabrook]

"Do you speak English? Yes. Name? Abdul al-Rhasib Sex? Three to five times on the week No, No..... I mean male or female. Yes, male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow!!! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.But isn't it hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style!!! Oh dear!No, no! Dear runs too fast!"

[Noah]

you've had a shocker here Jon son.

[JonWHUFC]

"I think i have got football on the brain. Two burglars broke into my back garden last night and started nicking things and I was leaning out of the window singing ""Don't take me Gnome, please don't take me Gnome"""

[mtchammer]

"Regarding tonight's match, I've got to be honest. I've not been this nervous about a semi since the time I watched Brokeback Mountain!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A woman calls the plumber in late Saturday night for a leaky pipe. He's getting ready to leave and says ""That'll be £120 please ,madam"" She checks her purse and finds she has only £105 She lifts her skirt up and says ""Can we come to an ,erm,arrangement,perhaps?"" The plumber unzips his overalls and he's hung like a donkey.She gets quite excited. He starts to put tape around it 6"" from the end. ""What are you doing that for?"" she says He says ""you don't think you're getting all of that for 15 quid ,do you?"" |"

[plankton]

"Very good. That one does indeed, hit the spot."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When my Indian girlfriend asked me to give her a facial, I nearly came on the spot"

[lab]

Congratulations to Billy Gilmore for getting his team Scotland their first positive result in a major tournament.

[ted fenton]

"Yes It's Old But I Love IT ;-) Absolutely disgusting behaviour on Clacton beach about an hour ago !!!! I saw a man & a woman having an almighty argument in front of some young kids when suddenly she smacked the bloke on the head & it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl & someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own & took his baton to the bloke, the guy managed to snatch it off him & started whacking the copper AND his wife. I couldn't believe what l was seeing. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages!"

[Mad Dog]

Mystery card on valentines day. Good Mystery card on fathers day. Bad

[Queens Fish Bar]

"If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' would suffice. None of this ""How the fuck did you get into my house"" business."

[Too Much Too Young]

Wales are unbeaten since Ryan Giggs left. Just like his wife.

[The Stoat]

Portugal completed 850 passes on Tuesday. The only way Scotland could achieve this is if they put John McGinn on mastermind

[Aalborg Hammer]

I phoned a child abuse line the other day. The kid at the other end of the line told me to fuck off.

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

"Joe, did you not read the title of this thread?"

[joe royal]

"A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the golf ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, ""If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."" The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ""Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"" The woman said, ""That's okay."" For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, ""You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to"". The woman replied, ""That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."" So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, ""That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."" The woman said, ""That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."" So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ""I'd like a mild heart attack."" Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. üòÇ Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women just never listen !"