THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Helmut Shown]

Q. Why did the sperm cross the road? A. Because I put the wrong sock on this morning

[Coffee]

"At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ""I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"" ""Good question."" noted the Rabbi. ""We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."" ""Oh!"" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ""What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?"" ""Ah, yes."" replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ""We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."" ""I see."" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ""Well, Rabbi,"" he went on, ""what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"" ""Here, too, we do not waste."" answered the Rabbi. ""What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"There's 4 SAS soldiers - one Scots,one Welsh ,one Irish and an Englishman. They get captured by the Taliban and sentenced to death. They have one last request.The Scotsman wants to hear the Coldstream Guards on bagpipes with the Proclaimers singing Flower of Scotland. The Welshman wants to hear Charlotte Church singing Men Of Harlech backed by a Welsh male voice choir The Irishman wants to hear Danny Boy sung by Daniel O'Donnell The Englishman says""Shoot me first"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I hate having Bi-Polar Disease. Its Brilliant.

[boleyn8420]

One for your kids What did the lion say to the lion in front of him who was walking too slowly MUFASSA

[Troy McClure]

How do you make a nun pregnant? Fuck her.

[chim chim cha boo]

Two sausages and an egg are in a frying pan and the egg says 'fucking hell it's hot in here ain't it'? One sausage turns to the other and screams 'JESUS CHRIST- A TALKING EGG!' Sorry.

[ray winstone]

Aalborg Hammer 12:44 Sat Jul 10 Was that meant for the Priti Patel thread?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"If you're always organising things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD."

[The Stoat]

"An eskimo is having problems with his pick up truck so he takes it to the garage. The mechanic says he's busy for a while but tells the eskimo to leave it with him and go and get something to eat and come back later. The eskimo returns and the mechanic says ""Looks like you've blown a seal"" The eskimo says ""No it must be mayonnaise off my chicken sandwich"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Sorry-wrong thread -silly old sod

[Aalborg Hammer]

Lovely giblets

[brabrook]

"Our father, who art in Wembley, Southgate be thy name. The cup will come, Kane's work will be done, in London as it was in Rome Give us this day our daily pint And forgive Sterling's offside trespasses, as we forgive those who bet against us. And lead us not into under-achievement. But deliver us the title. For football's coming home. The history and the glory. Forever and ever. Our men."

[The Stoat]

"Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, ""You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."" On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, ""How did you do over the weekend?"" ""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."" ""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "" ""I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."" ""That's admirable,"" says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. ""And how did you do?"" ""Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."" ""Wow!"" says the judge. ""156 people! How did you manage to do that?"" ""Well, I used a similar diagram,"" the guy says. ""I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butt hole before prison.................."

[brabrook]

"Do you speak English? Yes. Name? Abdul al-Rhasib Sex? Three to five times on the week No, No..... I mean male or female. Yes, male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow!!! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.But isn't it hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style!!! Oh dear!No, no! Dear runs too fast!"

[Noah]

you've had a shocker here Jon son.

[JonWHUFC]

"I think i have got football on the brain. Two burglars broke into my back garden last night and started nicking things and I was leaning out of the window singing ""Don't take me Gnome, please don't take me Gnome"""

[mtchammer]

"Regarding tonight's match, I've got to be honest. I've not been this nervous about a semi since the time I watched Brokeback Mountain!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A woman calls the plumber in late Saturday night for a leaky pipe. He's getting ready to leave and says ""That'll be £120 please ,madam"" She checks her purse and finds she has only £105 She lifts her skirt up and says ""Can we come to an ,erm,arrangement,perhaps?"" The plumber unzips his overalls and he's hung like a donkey.She gets quite excited. He starts to put tape around it 6"" from the end. ""What are you doing that for?"" she says He says ""you don't think you're getting all of that for 15 quid ,do you?"" |"

[plankton]

"Very good. That one does indeed, hit the spot."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When my Indian girlfriend asked me to give her a facial, I nearly came on the spot"

[lab]

Congratulations to Billy Gilmore for getting his team Scotland their first positive result in a major tournament.

[ted fenton]

"Yes It's Old But I Love IT ;-) Absolutely disgusting behaviour on Clacton beach about an hour ago !!!! I saw a man & a woman having an almighty argument in front of some young kids when suddenly she smacked the bloke on the head & it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl & someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own & took his baton to the bloke, the guy managed to snatch it off him & started whacking the copper AND his wife. I couldn't believe what l was seeing. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages!"

[Mad Dog]

Mystery card on valentines day. Good Mystery card on fathers day. Bad

[Queens Fish Bar]

"If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' would suffice. None of this ""How the fuck did you get into my house"" business."