THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Manuel]

How many more times do I have to read that Lingard is a Man Utd supporter and it's his boyhood club. YEAH WE KNOW!!

[jack flash]

"ManU fan: ""Ronaldo has tested positive for being the best player in the world"" Scouser: ""Good job he's not showing any syptoms!"""

[Nutsin]

"Manuel use to be a stand up comic""¶""¶ He quit because everybody was laughing at him. Ag Ag Ag Ag !"

[ted fenton]

"Chinese man goes to the doctors, Chinese man says; ""doctor me feel sick"" so the doctor replies with; ""when i feel ill or sick, i make love to my wife"" so the Chinese man does as he says and returns the next day and says; oh me feel much better now.. your home very nice"""

[ted fenton]

"An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was ""work"" and how much of it was ""pleasure?"" A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%. A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, ""Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."" The Major was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? ""Well, sir,"" said the Private, ""If there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them."""

[Coffee]

This is not an autobiographical thread.

[Manuel]

"My wife sometimes shouts out ''Daddy'' during sex. I said to her, bit rude, there are 3 of us here. I was in a porn film once many years ago, many years ago, in fact I was just a kid."

[ted fenton]

I launched my charity bedding appeal for Africa today. Duvet Know it's Christmas?

[ted fenton]

"Dear Santa, am writing to tell you that i was naughty this year and it was worth it you fat judgmental bastard"

[bell]

Die Hard is the best Christmas film. Hans down.

[lab]

Took me a minute Bungo!

[Bungo]

"Me: The earth is not flat. Fiat earther: Correct. Me: Huh? Fiat Earther: It's shaped like an Italian car. Me: What? Fiat Earther: You read my name incorrectly, didn't you?"

[Briano]

"I've got a snake for sale put it in the free ads in the local paper. Bloke rang me last night and asked how big it was, 'massive I said' 'how many feet' he said I replied 'mate it's a snake'"

[ted fenton]

"A LARGE WOMAN, WEARING A SLEEVELESS SUN DRESS, WALKED INTO A BAR IN DUBLIN. SHE RAISED HER RIGHT ARM, REVEALING A HUGE, HAIRY ARMPIT. She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ""What man here will buy this lass a drink?"" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, ""Pour the ballerina adrink!"" THE BARTENDER POURED THE DRINK AND THE WOMAN CHUGGED IT DOWN. SHE TURNED TO THE PATRONS AND AGAIN POINTED AROUND AT ALL OF THEM, REVEALING THE SAME HAIRY ARMPIT, AND ASKED, ""What man here will buy this lass ANOTHER drink?"" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ""Give the ballerina another drink!"" THE BARTENDER APPROACHED THE DRUNK AND SAID, ""TELL ME, PADDY, IT'S YOUR BUSINESS IF YOU WANT TO BUY THE LADY A DRINK, But why do you keep calling her a 'ballerina'?"" The drunk replied...""Any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!!"""

[Nutsin]

"I use to date a girl who had a parrot, Fucking thing never shut up! The Parrot was cool though."

[Far Cough]

"Did you know Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan and he never wore aftershave in his life. That's right, Yul never wore cologne"

[Bungo]

"If you know of anyone who will be alone at home this Christmas, please give me their details. I need to borrow some chairs at lunchtime."

[ted fenton]

"joyo 8:29 Wed Dec 15 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Lewis Hamilton's request to join the 80s pop band Musical Youth has been rejected, the agent for the group said the reason was because he couldn't past the Dutchie on de left hand side. Hahaha ;-)"

[joyo]

"Lewis Hamilton's request to join the 80s pop band Musical Youth has been rejected, the agent for the group said the reason was because he couldn't past the Dutchie on de left hand side."

[Mattie Mulshun]

To whoever stole my antidepressants I hope you are happy now

[Bungo]

"It used to be a Christmas tradition for our whole family to go down the pub, come home after a few hours and deck the halls. To be honest I'm surprised the Halls carried on living next door for as long as they did."

[ted fenton]

"This story really touched me...... A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers. Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset. She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice replied: ""Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"" His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered: ""Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."" ""Well,"" he said, ""I'm in the pub next door!"""

[Nutsin]

"Englishman, Frenchman and Italian down the pub having a beer. Frenchman says, ""you know, after I make love to my wife I massage her Feet and she floats 2 inches in the air.""ù Italian says, "" after I make love to my wife I rub her back and she floats 6 inches in the air.""ù Englishman says, ""after I shag my old lady, I wipe my nob on her drapes and she hits the roof.""ù"

[Nutsin]

I didn't know DNA stood for the National association of Dyslexics.

[Nutsin]

"I was dating a girl who was cross eyed, I had to dump her, she was seeing someone else."