THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

Ever wonder about those people who spend 2 pounds on those little bottles of Evian water ? Try spelling Evian backwards.

[The Stoat]

"Experts have predicted that by 2029, you will never be further than 3 feet away from a former Watford manager."

[ted fenton]

"RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it, as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Not sure if this is the Barry Cryer joke that is being mentioned. A devout Catholic fella is on the plane going to Rome to meet the pope. When he gets to the Vatican, he's ushered into a side room and told in hushed tones that the Pope has just passed away and the audience will have to be rearranged. They say that the news will be released on Sunday morning that he'd died in his sleep. He's asked not to mention a word of this to anyone and he'll be invited back when a date can be arranged. On the flight home,he realises that he could make a fortune having a bet . He mortgages his house,sells the car and goes into William Hill on the Old Kent road and puts the lot on the pope dying Saturday night. He gets very good odds and steps out onto the pavement nearly falling over a tramp sitting there with a begging bowl. Our man feels sorry for the tramp and says ""Are you a betting man?""ù The tramp says""ù Yes he is""ù and ""Why do you ask?""ù so the chap explains about the bet and gives the tramp a fiver to lay a bet. Sure enough, it's all over the news on Sunday and he goes to the bookies to pick up his winnings Putting the notes into his pocket he trips over the same wino he'd met the other day. ""Hello""ù he says ""I bet you're happy""ù ""Not really""ù says the tramp ""I did a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury """

[Queens Fish Bar]

"A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q.What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?? A.You can't pull a rabbit out of you arse!!

[Northbanknorm]

"David Sullivan has tabled 60 million pounds for Dominic Calvert Lewin Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha What a cracker"

[Dandy Lyon]

"That reminds me of an old one. Man goes to doctor and says ""òdoc my bum is really sore and I don't know why' Doc: where abouts? Man: right by there by the entrance Doc: well if you're calling it an entrance that'll be why it's sore."

[Briano]

"Paddy to his wife ""ò Jasus my bum hole is really burning' Wife says ""òRing sting Paddy' Paddy replies ""ò how the fuck will he know'"

[ted fenton]

"The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said .... 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?' Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: 'Buggers won't let me fart.'"

[Mad Dog]

"My little brother won a goldfish, but the next day i found it floating belly up dead. So i ended up having to look after the fish"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke standing by the side of the road and an elephant comes down the street on a motorbike. He stops ,gets a brick out of his rucksack and hurls it through a jewellers' window. Quickly ,he hoovers up all the watches and jewellery with his trunk, jumps on the bike and speeds off. The police arrive and take statements from the witnesses. ""Did you get a good look at the elephant, sir??""ù ""Well ,big and grey ,you know, an elephant!""ù ""Was it an African or an Indian elephant, Sir?""ù ""How would I know that??""ù ""African elephants have big ears and Indian elephants have small ears""ù ""How would I know that??He had a stocking over his head""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Not sure if I've posted this one before.. Two circus midgets,husband and wife go to the midwife for their babies scan. The midwife is pushing the ultrasound camera around the woman's huge tummy and she says to the husband ""Do you care what sex it is ?"" ""No"" he says ""as long as it fits in the cannon"""

[Nutsin]

"A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ""Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ""I would have gotten out today."""

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Did you notice that most of the household cleaning agents are Mr. Min, Mr. Muscle & Mr. Sheen & Mr. Clean......and women still complain men don't help around the house enough?"

[Cor Blimey]

"mallard 8:16 Mon Jan 10 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Cor Blimey 6:46 Mon Jan 10 Aalborg is one of the top contributors to this thread, maybe you shouldn't be so touchy when someone dares to joke about your beloved Nige Dullard, I think ""Nige""ù is a nob. Maybe you shouldn't be so touchy when someone comments about something your beloved one posts that isn't a joke or remotely funny."

[riosleftsock]

Aalborg - keep em coming mate. Love the jokes (even the shit ones)

[Tomsdad]

My mate Terry said he'd heard a rumour that Toyah had never had a top 10 hit. I said It's a myth Terry. He said Oh yeah I forgot about that one.

[Side of Ham]

"Not a fan of Farage but.......so can we keep cunts like him off here to point score unless it's a joke actually about him? fraser 3:49 Mon Jan 10 Re: This coronavirus in China Rob - Not sure what your point is, he (Farage) wanted the UK to have the same strict visa requirements. Djokovic met those requirements, which is why they were told to allow him in by a court of law."

[mallard]

"Cor Blimey 6:46 Mon Jan 10 Aalborg is one of the top contributors to this thread, maybe you shouldn't be so touchy when someone dares to joke about your beloved Nige"

[ted fenton]

"A man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, ""Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."" The social worker behind the counter said ""Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."" ""Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."" The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,..............""You're bull-shittin' me!"" The social worker said, ""Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . """

[Cor Blimey]

Aalborg Hammer 1:18 Mon Jan 10 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I know 2022 is only 10 days old but Nigel Farage and his fan base protesting about the Australian immigration system keeping an East European in a detention centre is going to be a tough one to beat for irony of the year Maybe you should start an irony thread and leave the jokes to people with a sense of humour.

[Aalborg Hammer]

I know 2022 is only 10 days old but Nigel Farage and his fan base protesting about the Australian immigration system keeping an East European in a detention centre is going to be a tough one to beat for irony of the year

[ted fenton]

"A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of £10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. (That was the reason he got the job in the first place....it was assumed that Guido would never hear anything and would therefore never have to testify in Court). When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing £10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ""Ask him where my fuckin' money is!"" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, �Where's the money ? Guido signs back, ""I don't know what you are talking about."" The lawyer tells the Godfather, ""He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, ""Ask him again or I'll kill him!"" The lawyer signs to Guido, ""He'll kill you if you don't tell him where the money is."" Guido trembles and signs back, ""OK, OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house, 23448 Valley Road. But he's away on vacation currently."" The Godfather asks the lawyer, ""What did he say?"" After a brief pause, the lawyer replies, ""He says that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger, you fat f#ck."""

[Manuel]

How many more times do I have to read that Lingard is a Man Utd supporter and it's his boyhood club. YEAH WE KNOW!!