THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[arsene york-hunt]

"I'm a masochist, I like a freezing cold shower in the morning, so I have a hot one."

[lab]

"It's looking like Chelsea will have very little money to spend in the summer transfer market ,therefore Declan Rice will not be on their radar . However they may but in a bid for his brother, Muller . Good at corners ."

[ted fenton]

"For all those who are sad that Crufts is over, don't worry. Paracrufts starts in two weeks."

[Anders]

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex ? One will make you day the other will make your whole week.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, ""What's with the money in the jar?"" ""Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, ""What are the three tests?"" ""You gotta pay first,"" says the bartender, ""those are the rules."" So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar. ""Okay,"" says the bartender, ""here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."" ""Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."" ""Third - There's a 90 year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."" The man is stunned! ""I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"" ""Your call,"" says the bartender, ""but, your money stays where it is."" As time goes on, the man has a lot more drinks and finally says, ""Where's the damn tequila?!"" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face, and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight, then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, ""Now, where's that woman that wants her tooth out?"""

[ted fenton]

As Chelsea face up to a trophyless future with no money to spend on transfers football fans begin to wonder how long Government sanctions have been in place at Tottenham. üòä

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate's a cannibal..he went on holiday and came back with one arm..I said ""What happened to you?"" He said ""I went self catering """

[Helmut Shown]

"A city gent was sitting in the first class carriage on the way into London. As he sat there he was doing the Times crossword. An Irish navvy got in and sat next to the city gent. As he pondered over a difficult clue the navvy was looking over at the crossword. Eventually the city gent got out leaving his paper behind. The navvy picked up the paper and plucking a pencil from behind his ear filled in the clue the city gent was having trouble with. As the navvy got up to leave the train another passenger who witnessed the whole thing picked up the paper and looked what the navvy had done. 5 across five letter word ""to egg on"" In pencil the navvy had written ""toast"""

[ted fenton]

"Reasons Not To Mess With Children A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

I've got a pet newt called Tiny. Why do you call him Tiny? Because he's my-newt

[ted fenton]

How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Ha ha!! Screw!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The story goes that a 10 year old boy comes back from school and his grandfather says ""What did you do at school today?"" The boy says "" I'm in the school play and I play the part of a man who's been married for 35 years"" ""Never mind,boy, you'll get a talking part next time"""

[eswing hammer]

"Tory politician dies and goes to heaven and gets to the pearly gates and st Peter says well you will have to decide if you wanna stay here or stay in hell , ok says the MP and the lift takes him down to hell , he hits the floor on the 18 th green at some posh golf club , all his old mates are there and they go off to the bar , the devils there telling jokes , everyone's enjoying themselves there's beer , champagne , lobster , spare birds , and the MP gets truly pissed , wakes up next morning and is whosed back to heaven where he spends the day floating on a cloud , playing his harp and sipping tea , next day St Peter says right you've had a day in hell and a day in heaven what is it to be ? The MP says do you what I'm gonna choose Hell , Ok says St Peter and he whooshes him down to hell , this time it's dark and miserable it's a rubbish tip and all his old mates are in rags , he sees the devil and says l don't understand it was great down here before but now it's awful, the devil looks at him and says well now you know what it's like not to get what you voted for !"

[Coffee]

Good one!☺️☺️☺️

[JayeMPee]

"Very tall Englishman (well over 6 feet) on holiday in the West Indies, goes into the gents toilet. Standing at the urinal he notices a stocky well built local about 5ft 6inches tall stood next to him. Looking down imperiously he also notes the guy has the letters WY tattooed on his penis. This came as a great surprise since he also has WY tattooed on his penis. They move over to the wash basins alongside each other and whilst washing their hands the Englishman looks down at the local and says ' I say old chap I couldn't help but notice you have the letters WY tattooed on your penis' 'Yeh man' came the reply. Finishing washing hands the Englishman softy said 'when mine's erect it says WendY' The Englishman followed the local to the hand driers quietly saying 'look I fly home tomorrow and I will never forgive myself if I don't ask what yours says'. They leave the toilet and outside the Englishman repeats the question. Almost reluctantly the local looks the Englishman in the eyes and says 'Ok, when mine is erect it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice daY' !"

[Helmut Shown]

"A couple were out walking their dog. The dog stops, sits down and begins licking his bollocks. The man says to his wife ""I wish I could do that"" She replies ""Well get yourself ready I'll hold him down"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella wakes up after being in a coma for months after a car crash.The doctor comes in and explains what happened and he's lucky to be alive.He goes on to list all the treatment he's undergone and says that his penis had been badly damaged in the wreck.Compensation had been paid out and they'd put aside £10,000 for reconstructive surgery calculated at £1000 per inch ""It's a delicate subject,I know, so talk to your wife tonight and I'll pop back tomorrow for your decision"" The surgeon arrives the next day with his clipboard. ""Right,Mr. Hedges,what are you having?"" ""A new kitchen with marble worktops"""

[lab]

Ag !

[ted fenton]

"A young man went for a walk with his new girlfriend and they saw dogs mating. She said: ""How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"" He replied: ""He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."" They then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe. Again, his girlfriend asked: ""How does the ram know when the ewe is ready for sex?"" He replied: ""Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."" Anyway, after the walk, he dropped her home and kissed her goodbye. She said: ""Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19. Surprised, ""Why do you say that?"" he asked her. She replied: ""Cause you seem to have lost your sense of smell."""

[ted fenton]

Hello Mrs. Jones 10:39 Thu Mar 3 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ted. Can I please have my 5 minutes back? Hahaha ;-)

[lab]

Excellent AH

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old Jewish fella died and his wife gets a call from the undertaker ""Mrs.Goldstein,you've only put three words on your husbands' gravestone ""Samuel Goldstein's dead"". She replies ""OK""she says ""put ""Samuel Goldstein's dead -Mercedes for sale """

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Ted. Can I please have my 5 minutes back?

[ted fenton]

"A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, ""Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."" With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. ""That was beautiful,"" he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, ""I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."" After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, ""Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."" The blonde frowned and said, ""It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."" She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, ""I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."" The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, ""Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."" The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. ""Don't listen to the kid, darling'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."" The old grey-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, ""That's a gimme, sweetheart."" The blonde smiled and said, ""Your car or mine?"" REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!"

[joyo]

Is that because he's a little potty?