THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A seacow-shaped Zeppelin, advertising the rock opera ""Tommy"", has just burst into flames and crashed to earth. Oh, The Who manatee!"

[ted fenton]

"Two elderly women were having lunch together, And discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, ""I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."" The second woman responded, ""Oh, I'm thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!"" ""Oh! Dear!"" replied the first woman. ""I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy went for an interview. The fella says ""Have you filled in the questionnaire yet?"" So he goes downstairs and beats up the doorman."

[Pee Wee]

Top work with your last 3 Stoat I wish others would take a leaf out of your book when remembering jokes should be funny

[Briano]

"Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antiques road show, presenter says ""ò these are a fine example from the turn of the century Taxidermist Colbrigg of London, if in top condition do you know what they would fetch? ""òSticks' replied Paddy"

[eswing hammer]

"We took in one of those Eastern European refugees , l got her to do the cleaning and hoovering but she took so long over it we got rid of her, l thought she was Ukrainian but it turned out she was a SlowVac !"

[joe royal]

"Kier Starmer walked into a bank to cash a cheque When he's called over to the cashier he says, ""Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"" The cashier replied, ""It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"" Starmer said, ""Truthfully, I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm the leader of the Labour Party"" The teller said, ""Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."" Starmer said, ""Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they'll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."" The cashier said, ""I'm sorry, Sir Kier, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"" Getting a bit agitated, Starmer snapped, ""C'mon woman, I'm urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."" The cashier said, ""Look Sir Kier, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. ""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Starmer , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"" Kier Starmer stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, ""Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there's nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."""

[The Stoat]

Scunthorpe's relegation means there are only two teams left in the Football League who's name contains a swear word. Arsenal and F***king Tottenham!!!

[The Stoat]

A new movie is about to hit the big screens It's about the lives of the composers and features an all star cast Stallone said he will play Mozart Willis mentioned he will be Beethoven Van Damme stated he will play the part of Strauss Schwarzenegger told journo's to piss off he ain't saying it

[Queens Fish Bar]

"A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, ""Do you mind if I say a word?""ù. ""No, go right ahead""ù, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says ""Plethora""ù, and sits back down. ""Thanks""ù, the woman says, ""that means a lot""ù"

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 5:02 Sat Apr 2 Noah 4:16 Sat Apr 2 ;-)

[ted fenton]

Haha Stoatie

[Noah]

The Stoat 8:05 Fri Apr 1 ag ag ag ag

[The Stoat]

"Colin ""How about we form a band""ù? Ulrika ""What will we call the band""ù? Norman ""We could do what ABBA done""ù! Tracey ""Bad idea""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old sailor goes with an old brass. They get up to her room and he'd hard at it. ""How am I doing?"" ""You're doing three knots"" ""What's that?"" ""You're not hard ,you're not in and you're not getting your money back!!"""

[Haz]

"I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, ""Thanks."" I said, ""Don't mention it."""

[ted fenton]

"A left wing politician, a TV reporter and an SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying! The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV. The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out. As the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists! The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun? ""Because"" said the trooper; ""When we get back to the UK, I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack""!!"

[JayeMPee]

"Young woman, early twenties, lives in a small village in the West Country. Desperate to be screwed there is nobody local who would fit the bill. She decides to go to London for the day certain she will find someone there, gets a train to Waterloo arriving early evening and makes her way to the West End. Visits several pubs and sitting at the bars keeps eyeing chaps she fancies but the only interest she gets is a drunken old sod who tries groping her. She smacks his face and heads back to Waterloo to catch the last train home. Still desperate she notices a cleaner stood at the entrance to a platform with his chin planted on his broom handle looking really pissed off. Seeing him as her last chance she heads straight for him and shouts 'I need fucking'. He looks up and into her eyes and says 'so do I dear I've just swept the wrong platform!'"

[The Stoat]

"I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided that if she can't hold a job down, she's not for me"

[arsene york-hunt]

"I'm a masochist, I like a freezing cold shower in the morning, so I have a hot one."

[lab]

"It's looking like Chelsea will have very little money to spend in the summer transfer market ,therefore Declan Rice will not be on their radar . However they may but in a bid for his brother, Muller . Good at corners ."

[ted fenton]

"For all those who are sad that Crufts is over, don't worry. Paracrufts starts in two weeks."

[Anders]

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex ? One will make you day the other will make your whole week.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, ""What's with the money in the jar?"" ""Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, ""What are the three tests?"" ""You gotta pay first,"" says the bartender, ""those are the rules."" So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar. ""Okay,"" says the bartender, ""here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."" ""Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."" ""Third - There's a 90 year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."" The man is stunned! ""I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"" ""Your call,"" says the bartender, ""but, your money stays where it is."" As time goes on, the man has a lot more drinks and finally says, ""Where's the damn tequila?!"" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face, and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight, then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, ""Now, where's that woman that wants her tooth out?"""

[ted fenton]

As Chelsea face up to a trophyless future with no money to spend on transfers football fans begin to wonder how long Government sanctions have been in place at Tottenham. üòä